I hope you don't mind, but Lamby is my very dear and loved friend, and I'd like to point out something so as not to dishearten her.
In Lynn's case, she became pregnant and made the decision to try to stay with the man who fathered her child. Even now, the child is just turning three, so that the longest this marriage could possibly be is about four years--AND we know that you've been separated from him and your divorce is almost final so that it's more like three years or less. We also know that in that very brief amount of time there was already abuse, neglect and infidelity.
In Lamby's case, she has been married to her hubby for twenty-five years. They were deliberate in choosing to marry, deliberate in trying for and having a child, and they built a life together for at least 24 years. For at least 24 years they lived together as husband and wife and had a family--and their daughter is now in high school. For at least 24 years this was HIGHLY out of his character and not at all the man or person that anyone would have thought him to be. Yes, it's ending due to infidelity. But for Lamby's sake, I don't want her to be disheartened by thinking that Lynn's marriage was anything like hers. And I'm not meaning to detract from Lynn's situation--in fact Lynn is one of my favorite people here on CF!!
-- but I'm just saying that I do think these are two VERY, VERY different situations. For more than two decades Lamby's stbx in every way would have been considered a loving husband, doting father, and strong christian man--and now he's trying to claim that "God" lead him to leave his family and set up a love nest with his adultery partner! NO WAY! (NO NO NO!)
Anyway, dear Lamby, here's my thought. It ain't over until the fat lady sings, but that doesn't mean there aren't things you couldn't be doing for yourself right now that would make you more confident, wiser, and more mature. Over and over again, I suggest that you let GOD handle your dear hubby as he sinks deeper and deeper into it. I can not begin to tell you the tears I cried and the deep pain I felt in my heart as my ex mindfully and willingly chose to let us, his family, go so that he didn't have to face himself and admit his sin and give up the cybersex girls. It may well be that your dear hubby is going to have to sink into the depths of his choices and really pay the HARSH price. But your job is to keep your focus on your side of the street no matter WHAT happens with your dear hubby. Be the woman God created you to be. Be the mother that Syd needs in her life and that you do have the strength, knowledge and courage to be. When you are exhausted, turn to Him. When you are lonely, turn to Him. When you are afraid, turn to Him. In ALL THINGS turn to Him and you will be okay.
I know--that sounds so "grandiose" doesn't it? But I've been in your shoes and cried your tears. You're not alone I promise you that! So as things progress, rather than being the aggressor in the divorce, you go ahead and sensibly protect you and Syd from your dear hubby's bad choice, but don't attack--defend. Defend your daughter. Defend yourself. Defend your family until the very last because you never know when God will move. But it is right and reasonable and realistic for you to now go into a new phase of your life. Know that right now your dear hubby is NOT protecting you and your daughter. Know that right now he is not a friend and will be looking out for himself and his own best interests. And in all things, always act in a way that brings glory to God.
LOVE YOU!
~Faithful
