Time...how much is too much?

[A2597]

Well, this is an odd one..but here goes.

At what point are you spending to much time with you SO? And how much time is good for a healthy relationship?

Basically, my girlfriend wants to spend near every waking hour with me that we are both available (If I am or am not), so she'll come over to eat dinner (As the dorms don't have kitchens, and the cafeteria is....meh) but then stay until late at night and I have to take her back before I can got to sleep.

general day goes something like : Get up, goto class until lunch, have lunch with girlfriend, go back to class...then have an hour or two to myself, then she comes over for dinner and is here until she can't stay awake anymore. Then I go to bed.

And frankly, I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand to be around her right now.

Now, part of me feels that, if she were the right person for me, then I would be wanting to spend this much time with her. But when I talk to Christian married couples, they generally say they saw eachother a couple days a week before they were married. It's my secular friends that spend all their time with their girlfriends, and they tend to go from one relationship to another.

So...I don't really know where I'm going with this, other than that I am really distressed about this. I feel like I should be certain about this relationship, and right now, I am so definatly not. Strange to love someone, but not be able to be around them and have fun, just want them to leave. *Sigh*

 

[kopilo]

This is a conversation which you proberly should have with her.. I also suggest trying to remove the fustration or anger, etc from your voice as much as possible.

I mean it doesn't mean you don't love her because you don't want to spend every waking minute with her, some space can provide a good breath of air. This is what I think is meant by the term "If you love something set it free", sometimes we all need a little space and a little alone time. However you both proberly should try to meet eachother's desires, so working out a balance might be a good thing.

I take no credit for what may occur from my advice, it is just my opinion and what I have found with trial and error to work because in essance a relationship varies with the people involved and we are all unique.

 

[Mskedi]

I spend about three full days a week with my boyfriend. Any more than that and he wouldn't get his music done and I wouldn't get my reading or work done. When I go back to school, we'll see each other even less.

I do want to spend a lot of time with him, and we talk frequently during the week when we don't see one another, but even when we're married we're going to want our own time. Tell your girlfriend what you're feeling -- that you need more time to yourself. Just make sure that when you tell her that, you show her that you do want quality time with her (provided you still do) and temper it with something nice -- maybe a planned date night. She may think you're pushing her away when really you just need some time to yourself, so to avoid misunderstanding or hurt feelings, it'd be wise to show interest in seeing her at the same time you're asking for some space.

 

[Mskedi]

Oh... a question. You didn't mention how long you two have been together. Is she possibly caught up in the newness of the relationship? If so, that could explain her clinginess.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Well, this is an odd one..but here goes.

At what point are you spending to much time with you SO? And how much time is good for a healthy relationship?

Basically, my girlfriend wants to spend near every waking hour with me that we are both available (If I am or am not), so she'll come over to eat dinner (As the dorms don't have kitchens, and the cafeteria is....meh) but then stay until late at night and I have to take her back before I can got to sleep.

general day goes something like : Get up, goto class until lunch, have lunch with girlfriend, go back to class...then have an hour or two to myself, then she comes over for dinner and is here until she can't stay awake anymore. Then I go to bed.

And frankly, I just can't take it anymore. I can't stand to be around her right now.

Now, part of me feels that, if she were the right person for me, then I would be wanting to spend this much time with her. But when I talk to Christian married couples, they generally say they saw eachother a couple days a week before they were married. It's my secular friends that spend all their time with their girlfriends, and they tend to go from one relationship to another.

So...I don't really know where I'm going with this, other than that I am really distressed about this. I feel like I should be certain about this relationship, and right now, I am so definatly not. Strange to love someone, but not be able to be around them and have fun, just want them to leave. *Sigh*

Hmm...yeah. *Ponders* I and my bf spend a lot of time together. We have stopped interacting with a lot of people as a result. We don't get tired of each other but we have started to ask ourselves about this and have started to think that we need to have other interaction just for our own benefit. So he is going to try and get with the guys and I am going to go hang out with others as well.

We aren't doing this though because we feel tired of the other; we love spending time together. But we think that couples should also have other friends too.

 

[alwayz_remember_Calvery]

OP, i totally know what you're saying. I'm currently away at school, but when I go home i swear I spend every waking minute with my bf. It's not that I don't love him, it's just that sometimes i want to spend time with my family, or my friends, or other people. Also, right before I left for college, he was over at my house ALL DAY. I was so happy to get out of there. Lately, he's been backing off a little bit and that has helped.

Anyway, i think you should talk to her. I know that I couldn't spend that much time with me SO and be sane. It's best for the relationship if you're open and honest with her about these things.

 

[~Nikki~]

My husband and I spent every waking minute with each other when we were dating and when we were engaged. It worked for us and was what we both needed at the time.

Since we've been married we do go out separately, but not very often...we just love to be around each other and miss each other after a couple of hours apart.

anyway, that's just the way we are...not saying it should be that way for everyone, and probably for most people it wouldn't be. But we're quite happy with the way things are.

 

[Linnis]

I love spending time with my DH, he's my best friend but even so I have alone time, just for me. I have some alone time while he's working and I encourage him to go out with his friends because I know he needs the time too.

Tell her you need more alone time, time to be yourself without her and explain that's not a bad thing. Heck as much as I love my DH if we are together for days on end without a break we get a little annoying to eachother.

 

[A2597]

You are spending too much time with your SO when:

- You aren't getting enough sleep
- Your school work suffers
- Your performance at work suffers
- Your eating habbits suffer
- You no longer see many or any of your friends
- You no longer see many or any of your family
- You no longer do many or any of the hobbies/pass times/etc. that you love to do
- You feel negative emotions when you are around your significant other
- You feel you are losing yourself to the relationship and are no longer an individual

Umm....every last one of those? (Yes, seriously)

 

[Leanna]

My husband and I spent every waking minute with each other when we were dating and when we were engaged. It worked for us and was what we both needed at the time.

Since we've been married we do go out separately, but not very often...we just love to be around each other and miss each other after a couple of hours apart.

anyway, that's just the way we are...not saying it should be that way for everyone, and probably for most people it wouldn't be. But we're quite happy with the way things are.

That's us too as dating and engaged. But we would make it fun too and hang out a lot in groups.... playing Risk with a group of friends or cards or something. That way we got to have interaction with people, but we liked being together.

I think its usually a bad sign when one person wants to be with the other a lot, and the other person wants more space. It can still work though, if the difference isn't too much (the one person can handle having so much time together, and the other person so much time apart). Definitely a talk you need to have with her.... just make sure you present it gently "I really need some time to myself to rejuvenate"...

 

[Leanna]

Umm....every last one of those? (Yes, seriously)

So if you spent less time together you would stop feeling that way? Or do you think her presense just annoys you in general? Maybe its time to break up.... :o

 

[A2597]

well...as of about 30 minutes ago, thats what happened.
First girlfriend...(I'm 21)
It's my fault really, not hers. I didn't even know I wanted a GF until I met her. And underneath, she was the right kind of person. Christain, good heart, kind...
But on the surface she was a mess...

and some things I don't think she can change, personality wise.

I guess I neglected that the surface can be just as important as what is underneath...*Sigh*

 

[Inperfected]

I guess you'll be in for a bit of the hard hurts now right?

Just a couple of things to remember, even though they are often the hardest things to remember, 3 infact:

Firstly, whilst it looks like everyones gotta girl, or a guy, not all do... Find a friend to hang out with without heraring of "the girlfriend"...

Find a hobbie... No don't roll your eyes at me... I mean a fun hobbie not stamp collecting! Find something that will occupy that time of boredom and missing her company

Thirdly and most important........ Turn your heart to God for comfort, peace, and simply friendship

 

[Arclight610]

My girlfriend and I see each other in church on Weds. and Sunday's. We try to get together twice a week other than that. It seems pretty good to us. We never get tired of each other and try to spend every waking moment together. We never know when the next time we will get to see each other is so we try to live in the present. We do occasionally get bored though because we run out of things to do.