- Nov 28, 2004
- 35,450
- 2,125
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
The Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning,
which occurred near the start,
there was nothing but God, darkness,
and some gas. The Bible says,
'The Lord thy God is one,
but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said,
'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God
by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the
Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though,
because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain,
who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died
[FONT=K r isten ITC]off, except for Methuselah, [/FONT]
[FONT=K r isten ITC]who lived to be like a million or something.[/FONT]
One of the next important people was Noah,
who was a good guy,
but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family
and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would hav e to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more famous than his brother,
Esau,
because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark
in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who
wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses,
whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God
sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day
with manicotti. Then he gave them His
Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke,
dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua
who was the first Bible guy to use spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.
He got to be king by killing
a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise,
but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of
major league prophets. One of the se was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale
and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league
prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the
New Testament.
Jesus is the star of The New.
He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had been born in a barn too,
because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?'
It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.')
During His life,
Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man.
He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans
on the Mount.
But the Democrats and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.
Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins ,
then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back
at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
