Thoughts

[bella_song]

I basically am going to place a blog here, but I want people to be able to respond and give input on the things I say. What I post in this folder from here on out will be a mixture of my thoughts based on my bible studies, prayers, and anxeities for the day. I will try to post on a daily basis. Some of my thoughts are selfish, some are confused, but this is simply me being myself when I am real. I welcome any responses/prayers/advice and so on and so forth. I just wanted to share with the people here who I really am.

 

[bella_song]

... from my visit to my school that I had to leave in March because of health and anxeity reasons.

Lord, I am so confident in you and your provision. I know that you will lead the way. My only question I have left about the dreams is why was it Peter, the man is normally not identified. I asked you to speak to me in my dreams last night, but you did better than that. You spoke to me about the mystery dream. I want to continue my project of making verses to put on my wall. I want to be reminded night and day who You are and what you have done.
I must confess that I still badly want to be Peter's bride, I feel like you are moving everything in that direction, but I've been wrong before. I cannot expect what I haven't been promised. I know that whatever happens, it will be in Your will, Your time, Your provision.I trust you with all of my heart, my head just needs to learn to do so as well. Something that I would like to learn from Peter regardless of what happens is how he does everything with excellence. I do not do the same. If we were together now, we would anger eachother endlessly. I will wait on your will, but I need patience that comes from you.
It's funny, I didn't want to come to Biola and fall in love, but I also would have done things very differently and not recieved nearly so much joy. I don't understand the way that you do things sometimes, but I know that you work all things to the good of those who love You, and I love You! I will follow you where ever you lead, I may complain on the way, but I will follow still. Lord I ask that you would bring me back to the way I was, being constantly thoughful of the scripture. I want everyone who meets me to see you in me. It is you that makes me beautiful!
I want to be on my knees before you, but have not been doing so. When I get off this plane, please provide me the place and time to do so. Help me to rebuild the stamina I once had. I want to know you and the power of you ressurection. I want to know You personally and intimately. I wish I could see You right in front of me, but for that I must be patient. Someday it will come to pass.I will not stop writing, I will not stop worshiping, I will not stop loving You. I am Yours.
As a side note, please give my voice and the power to sing any piece of music that is set in front of me. Lord, please double my range and my power. I want to sing for you like no one has sung before.

 

[bella_song]

This is the poem that I wrote the next day after I got home.

O Lord I will follow you, my heart is yours
And even though I am shot with arrows of doubt and sorrow
They pierce my side but do not stick
Their poison cannot stay, and you will heal the wounds
The healing sound of your songs and hymns penetrate my wounds
And wash away all that soils them
Cleansing with every note, every word
Until, the spirit lays itself upon me
And with just It's healing touch
My body is whole again
As it wraps itself around me
I am safe within this war

 

[JPPT1974]

Thanks my friend for the reminder
God bless you!

 

[bfly]

Bella you are so precious in His eyes. What more could you give Him.

You will see Him, and the timing will be perfect as well.

 

[bella_song]

These are notes I took from Church

Hannah wanted children, but could have none. She has always been one of my heroes, because of how she handled the unfulfilled longings in her heart. She was honest with God about how she really felt, and she was comforted without knowing that the desires of her heart were going to be given. And when it was given, she gave it back to the Lord. If God gives me the desires of my heart, how will I give them back to Him. How will I give my time at college, my voice, my marriage, my children, my money, my mind, my time? It all must ge given back to God, that is when it will bring joy. How do I love God with all my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength? I think that it is time to read the books that I was assigned to do at Biola.
How do I avoid going into shutdown mode? It gets so easy to do so.
Sincere: without hypocracy, without being hindered in a nagative way.
How do I live out a sincere faith?
Allowing God's presence to penetrate my life through prayer, examination of scripture, fellowship with believers, accountibility, etc.
I want the hear "Welcome home, good and faithful one"

 

[bella_song]

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. (John 1:1-3) This is a verse that I have read so many times, but yet have recently found new significance in. Christ is the Word, and therefore Christ was there in the beginning. When the decision was made to create man, Christ knew what this would mean for Him, because being in very nature God, He also possesed the qualities of the Father, including omniscience. Therefore, in the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth and man, He knew that He would have to die for the souls of the creatures He was creating. He could have done without us and still had perfect fellowship with the Father and the Holy Spirit, and yet He chose to make us. How great is His love, how great is our Maker and Savior. Even the most loving and the wisest would not suffer unless there was to be something greater as a reward or consequence. If Christ had not been there in the beginning, we could argue that He simply (not to lessen His death and resurrection) did what He had to do to save His creations, but knowing that He knew what He would have to do at creation, leads me to believe that there must be something much more amazing and wonderful coming. The fulfillment of Revelations, and of the Word in general, must be much more glorious than I recognize in daily life. Lord, help me to look toward that glorious future, to see past the sufferings of today. Suffering will not last forever, but Heaven will. How easily I forget about what is to come. Lord, teach me to live in expectancy and waiting for the glory that is to come. Not to say that I should be idle in my waiting, for there is much to do before the harvest. Father we are in the time of sowing and weeding. Lord complete this process within and make me whole, so that I may serve you unhindered by the filth of my own sin and the scars of my past. Life comes only from you, so please do your miraculous work in me, that I may live to the fullest in Your holy name. I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2) Do your refining and sanctifying work in me Lord that I might shine like the stars in the heavens with your love and with your goodness living in me. Let it be you that lives through me, to be less of me and more of you. Amen.

 

[bella_song]

When turning water into wine, Jesus waits until there is a need. He does not at preemptory, but just in time. This seems to be a theme with Him. Our needs are fullfilled when we are in need, not when we foresee a future need. This requires faith for the waiting period. If there were not waiting period, there would be no need for faith. I have found that we do not cultivate faith unless it is needed, so Jesus seemingly ignoring us, really is Him waiting for the need to, well be needed so that we may grow in faith and trust in Him. His act in truning water into wine also required obedience. The servants had to be obedient to Jesus by first filling the jars, and then bringing a glass of the water/wine to the master of ceremonies. That mush be a frightful experience for the servants, but had they not been obedient to what they were instructed, there would have been no miracle. Lord I pray that you would give me a trusting and obedient heart. I know that you will always provide for all my needs, and even fulfill my godly desires that aren't always so necessesary. How great you are. And he said to his disciples, "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (Luke 12:22-27) Lord, help me to not be anxious about anything, but for everything bring my requests before your throne with thanksgiving. You are the God of eternity, there is no puzzle that you cannot solve, no wound you cannot heal, nothing lost you will not find, no secret you do not hear, no second you are not soverign. Thank you for all that you have done and all that you are yet to do. What an adventure we have before us. Heaven is our future for those who love you, we will see your face and worship you with the greatest joy. Christ did not suffer for nothing, there is glory yet to come, glory that will last forever and not fade with light of the setting sun. Amen.

 

[JPPT1974]

God bless you Bella
You are awesome again!

 

[bella_song]

Yay! I have finally organized all of my files on my laptop, so I can see where all of my random thoughts are. It is really cool because some of these go back a few years. Here are a few more of my past thoughts.

 

[bella_song]

Lord, I don't know what to do. I thought I was being careful, I thought everything would be okay. Now I am feeling horrible. This venture was suppose to be able me to help my mother, not hurt her. That is the last thing I wanted to do. I know that I cannot make any decisions today because I am not rational, I am frealing out right now. Talk about a wake-up call. I wanted my mother to not have to worry about my college funds, or anything else for that matter. I wanted to help her get out of the hole she is in. It seems, Lord, that Your hand has not been with me through this, but I pray that ir would be, that you wouldmake this venture a success. I do not want to leave Dileesa or what we are doing. I like what we are doing. I know that I need to work with my time much better, but Lord I pray that you will not take this venture away, but that you will bless it, so that I can serve you in it. I need help though. This cannot be done without your hand in it, without your blessing. Without You, I can do nothing.
You have crafted me, and made me the way that I am. Therefore, I am this way for a reason and must not be down upon myself. Lord, in You there is no success or failure. I live no longer for myself, but for You. Therefore, I live by Your standards alone, not mine. Lord, help me please. I feel as if I cannot do anything, but at the same time I must consider that as long as I am doing what You are asking, the results should not matter. Even though I know all of this, my heart still says, "Help my Lord, I am failing" and that hurts. Lord, I want to continue in this venture, but You must bless it. If You are not in it, it will fall.

 

[bella_song]

Lord I fear for the fact that I linger disbelief. It isn't that I don't believe, but something is still keeps me from full belief. I don't want to sin against you anymore, but it feels as if I cannot help myself. You are the only one that can save me from this bleak future I see. I cannot save myself, but you can save me. I need you Lord, to ge my strength and my guide. I cannot o anything on my own. I fail in everthing I attempt. I need your loving hands to push me into the way of righteousnes. I need you. Please come to my aid, come in and rescue my from myself. I am sorry that sometimes I doubt so horribly. Please show yourself to me so that I can never doubt again. I want to see you so badly. Without you I don't know how to live, how to breathe, how to do anything. I need you so badly. I want to be angry with you, but I cannot doubt your goodness. What shall I do? I do not know where to go from here. Everything I do seems sinful.

 

[bella_song]

Father, today I know not what to say. The miracles of Christ are wonderous, but His death and resurrection was the real wonder. What shall I do Father, today I feel confused, not by any one thing, but in general. What shall I do father? I know that those at church are praying for me and that you will hear their prayers, for they are righteous people in your eyes because you have washed away their sins with Christ's blood. Lord, please act immediately on those prayers, for without your action, my life will be nothing. I desire your will for my life, show me what that it, ease my confusion about the issues with which I am struggling. You know all that is in my heart and you hear its cries. I know that you will provide for my every need, but sometimes it is hard to maintain that sureness. I am feeling the struggle today, but nevertheless I thank You for all that You have done. You are my God, my Savior, my Lord, and the Light of my life. I know that this prayer will not fall on deaf ears. I think that this is all I can say for right now. Amen

 

[bella_song]

Lord, today as yesterday, I really don't know what to say about what I have just read. I truly do believe, I know that you are God, and that it is fear that makes me doubt for reasons that have no logic. I am yours for my whole life, do with me what you will. Let Your love overflow out of me onto those around me. I want to be a beacon of light for You. Let all who see me, rather see you in me. You are the one true God, and I will worship you alone. Please Lord, give me the strength and the will to do what is right, and to not sin against you. Lord, let Your presence be wherever I am, so that Your glory would be known to all who know me. Let me be a blessing to all those with whom I come into contact. Let "saved to serve" be the motto of my life. I want to do Your wonderful will, no matter what it is. Perfect and purify me Lord, so that there would be nothing in me to offend you. Thank you for the good gifts you have given me. I love You and praise Your Holy Name. Amen.

 

[bella_song]

You provided Lord. Five loaves of bread and two fish fed five thousand men plus their wives and children. I know that you can provide for me. God I give you thanks for what you have given me and I ask that you would provide for all my needs, and for the things that give me anxeity. I fear because I have no money at the moment, I have no car. It seems that I have no way of getting back to California and back to school. Show me what to do, and help me to trust you to provide the rest. I know that you are able. In John 5 you asked the man if he wanted to be healed, and then you told him to get up and walk. From his side it took desire and trust. Father, please give me the desire and trust that I need to get through these times and to let you provide abundantly for me. Tell me what I must do. The man had to get up and walk, what must I do? I am still confident of your goodness and of you provision, but sometimes my doubt and fear eats away at me. Please God, do not allow me to fear or doubt, help me to trust and have complete faith in you. I love you and want to do your will but I am so selfish. God, I need you so much. Please reveal yourself to me in a way that you neveer have in my life. Bless my voice and my studies. Let my lips sing your praises all day long. Provide the funds I need to get through this time and to do what needs to be done. Thank you so much for your love and your grace. May my life be pleasing to you. Amen.

 

[bella_song]

Jesus did not escape judgement of others and annoyances, they too were a part of His life. Yet He handled it always with perfection and grace. Father, I pray that you would help me to do the same. When the days of troubles come, I ask that you would show me how to contunue to act in a godly manner, and not act out of annoyance and selfish ambition. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3) Father, help me to obey these words, for I am a selfish girl. I want so much, and yet do not deserve to recieve it. It is given though through Your wonderful grace that covers all of my iniquities. In you, I am pure and blameless, so much as is Your Son. Father, I confess that these are selfish prayers I hold in my head right now, but You see them anyway, so I might as well make my requests. Lord I pray that you would provide me with a car so that I can get around more easily, not having to rely so much on others anymore. I also ask that you would provide me with the funds to pay for school and to go on the trip with Lauren. Lord, You have done much greater miracles than this, so I know You are capable, that I do not doubt. Father I ask that you would bless me and all that I do, that it might be done with excellence and a pure heart. Lord, let Your hand be with me in all I do. I pray that I would no longer have to be dependent on the medications I take, that you would free me from the anxeity and attention problems, so that I would not be dependent on any substances to see me through the day. Lord I ask that you would bring me back to Biola and allow me to be in the music program with great joy for the things You have accomplished. I thank You so much for the provisions You have already made, and I look forward to what comes next. I know that you will provide, and take care of me because I am Your child, and You are a good and loving father. I pray that your will be done in my life, no matter what the cost. I am Yours until the end of time. I pray that you would give me complete joy in You, needing nothing else but You. You are my hearts desire and I love You. Amen.

 

[bella_song]

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life" (John 8:12). Lord, my pathway is broken and unclear, but I am now confident in the direction that You are calling me. I have let go of that that which I was clinging to so tightly and now You may do what you will with it. I hold to nothing but You. Please forgive me for abandoning my calling and for questioning You. You are God. You have knit together a perfect universe, and I seem to think that I can baffle You with seemingly conflicting passions. How foolish I am. Forgive me Father, I am a foolish girl. Please Lord, make me wise. Give me wisdom theat comes from above, Your wisdom. You are my Father and I will serve and obey you, no matter what the test. I have released that which was most precious to me, and what I perhaps clung too the tightest. I know that the rest will not be easy to let go of, but I also know that You will give me the strength and grace and Your grace is sufficient. So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:31-32). Help me to always abide in Your word and to trust You for all my needs. Let me see the truth so I may be held captive by nothing. One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the LORD. Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, "Seek my face." My heart says to you, "Your face, LORD, do I seek." Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in. Teach me your way, O LORD, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! (Psalms 27:4-14).