Thoughts please

[troubled heart]

My husband and I have been seperated for almost 3 months, and a month after seperation he filed for divorce. Our marriage has been a tough one. We fought all the time, and alot of the times for no real good reason. It seems like that is all we did, for 7 years. He says he had to go because of me, that he couldn't take me any more. He says all I did was cause him stress, and it haunts me every minute, because I feel responsible for the way I behaved when we faught. When he wouldn't talk to me I would throw it in his face the things I didn't like about him, or nag until I upset him and things got really ugly. I keep wishing that I could take it back or that he would give me another chance to be a better wife. He did some very hurtful things to me but I was no better. I just don't know how to go on, I want to tell him I am sorry but he will not speak to me. I don't know what to do about these guilty feelings, guilt for not making it as a loving and caring wife. What do I do??
I know that everything that went wrong wasn't all my fault ,but I can't escape the thought that I should have done things differently.

 

[charligirl]

I have no experience here but I would suggest that you write to him. Pray for wisdom and then pour out all that you have told us in a letter and ask him for a second chance before it is too late and pray pray pray for God to move and make a way where there seems no way.

 

[desi]

Guys tend to shy away from women when they nag and throw things they don't like about us in our faces. For awhile we can do it in the interest of 'taking one for the team' but after so long fondness, kindness, and attraction for the love of our youth slowly gives way to avoidance, mistrust, and hopelessness.

 

[troubled heart]

Guys tend to shy away from women when they nag and throw things they don't like about us in our faces. For awhile we can do it in the interest of 'taking one for the team' but after so long fondness, kindness, and attraction for the love of our youth slowly gives way to avoidance, mistrust, and hopelessness.

I didn't know how to handle him anymore, and I totally lost myself and now don't know how I am supposed to go on knowing that I messed up so bad. No matter how kindly I would ask him to stop and take a look at our marriage he would mostly cuss me out or stay angry with me for days. I would leave him alone, but after two or three days of him not speaking to me or allowing me to sleep in our bed, I would just lose it and I hate myself for that. I think we both began to dislike each other but I still wish that we could have ended it fighting for our marriage instead of just leaving with out a fight.

 

[desi]

If his heart changed the only thing to do is pray for God to work on him.

 

[Leanna]

Try to get him to put off going through with the divorce. My husband and I were separated for 6 months. Before we were separated everything was an issue and neither of us knew how to handle things or each other. Once we lived in different places we went through some stages. First, we were angry and upset at each other. But after some space we started spending some time together and I learned to enjoy the things I like about him. So if you can get him from reacting quickly and emotionally and you can spend time together doing things you enjoy that would be good. Would he do that? Are you Christians?

 

[troubled heart]

My husband is such an angry man, he holds grudges til forever, and I just don't see him ever wanting to get back together. We didn't have God close to our hearts, and regret it everyday. I am trying to become a better christian, and pray every minute of the day that what ever comes of all this, I can bear it. It's been 3 months since he spoke to me and the two times I have seen him , I feel so much hate. All I want to do is run to him and tell him how much I miss him and want us to try to make it work, but he's got a heart so hard that I do not know what to do, but let him go. I pray for him always and hope that things would have a better ending, but with him it's almost impossible. He even had a smurke on his face when I cried at our TRO, and gave me dirty looks. He even had me served on my birthday. Even still I love him and don't want any kind of harm to come his way. It's hard because he has not once tried to contact me in 3 months, and is going on with his life as if I never exicisted. Every day is a struggle, but everyday I feel myself becoming stronger and know that God knows what he is doing and I just have to trust in him, now more than ever.

 

[Leanna]

Well then if it is truly too late you will have to deal with your regret, but don't live in guilt. You can only change your future not your past. So make yourself the woman that God wants you to be and wait. Maybe after a while God will begin to change things and your ex-husband will start to change, but if that doesn't happen then allow yourself to move on. We have all made mistakes, so just make it your goal not to make the same one twice.

 

[troubled heart]

Thanks Leann! I know that I made some mistakes, but realize everyday that he had his faults also. He has blamed me for all our problems and I believed that it was all my fault. Almost everyday, I remember how he treated me and how I allowed him to control me. I have allowed him to blame me for this marriage coming to it's end, but now that he has left I have had time to take a look at the whole picture, and know that he did some very nasty things to me and I was always forgiving. Many people forgive their spouses for worse things than what I did and still found a way to make it.
I am guilty of having a big mouth, and allowing it to run too much, and with God's help, I will learn to keep my mouth quite when things don't go my way. It's hard to accept that he can't be forgiving and try to find a way to deal with it all, but I can't make someone love me or forgive me, so I pray for strength and wisdom during this time, and that I won't make these mistakes again.
Thanks for taking the time to respond, it's helpful, thanks!!

 

[CRitabe]

I'm so sorry that you were treated so badly. It is not acceptable for a spouse to refuse to communicate with their signifigant other or to allow them to sleep in their bed. That is not loving behavior. Never, ever believe that "nagging" someone deserves that sort of response.

I'll share a personal funny story with you about my divorce: He made every effort to have me served with divorce papers on my birthday and succeeded which hurt me sooooooooo bad that I thought it would kill me, but I truly was able to continually turn to God throughout the process to help me find peace and forgiveness. THEN, the strangest thing happened. I got the notice to appear in court in 90 days and guess what: the court hearing to finalize the divorce he wanted was on his birthday. Is that ironic justice or what? By that time, he was feeling really sad, sorry for having left me and our two sons, and wanted to know if I would go out to lunch with him after court. I very kindly declined the invite.

Just let go and trust that everything is working out in your best interest. God says that "all things work together for GOOD for those who love him and are called according to his purpose." Try to take the focus off of him and put it on yourself figuring out what it is that you like and love about life and what your goals and dreams are. If God wants you two to reconcile, he will make the way; however, it sounds like he is gloating over your pain, so keep it out of his sight.

There is a Christian song that has a cool line in it: "Smile!! Make em wonder what you got. Make em wish that they were not on the outside looking bored." Try that!! Even if his mind doesn't change and God chooses to have you move on - at least, you will have dealt with all your guilt, anger, hurt and sadness and be in a position to soar when your new door opens. Peace!!

 

[Mother Vashti]

I'll share a personal funny story with you about my divorce: He made every effort to have me served with divorce papers on my birthday and succeeded which hurt me sooooooooo bad that I thought it would kill me, but I truly was able to continually turn to God throughout the process to help me find peace and forgiveness. THEN, the strangest thing happened. I got the notice to appear in court in 90 days and guess what: the court hearing to finalize the divorce he wanted was on his birthday. Is that ironic justice or what? By that time, he was feeling really sad, sorry for having left me and our two sons, and wanted to know if I would go out to lunch with him after court. I very kindly declined the invite.

if his birthday is still coming up this year, I've got a colt 45 and a shovel

 

[oldrooster]

if his birthday is still coming up this year, I've got a colt 45 and a shovel

I have an ex-wife you could take out as well, you get less time if you kill more than one......

 

[CRitabe]

I understand. Actually, what is strange is that we have been able to move through life, post divorce, and put aside our differences. We made a decision soon after our divorce to always put the kids first and to be the best parents we could be in spite of our differences. Obviously, it was not easy, but has been a situation that I am proud that we were able to create. Not to say that there were not many situations that caused me to want to grab a Colt 45 over the years.

 

[troubled heart]

My husband also tried to have me served on my birthday, but he filed in the wrong county, and that really made him mad. I find it so hurtful that the person I loved so much could be so ugly and hateful. I have been away from God for a really long time, and this situation has got my attention... that there is no way I can be truly happy without God. I have given up all my worries and guilt to Him and know that He will lift me up from this nightmare. I continue to pray for my husband and hope that God will somehow work Himself into his life.
I have been so strong since I have offered my life to God and put Him first...before I thought I would die if I couldn't be with my husband but I have made it and will never love someone more than God.
Being able to share my feelings and having others respond...good or bad...it has helped me sooooooooooo much. So many thanks to all of you who have responded...THANKS !!!

 

[Mother Vashti]

I hope you'll continue to post, th.

 

[CRitabe]

I'm so happy that you have been able to find some contentment and peace of mind. Supposing that all things truly do work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose. We are all called to be witnesses of God's love and it sounds like you are definately on your way to doing things differently. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. May the peace of the Lord be with you.

 

[troubled heart]

I went to the dentist yesterday, and just a regular cleaning. The hygenist and I began speaking and she was so full of the holy spirit!!! She just began speaking to me and filling me up with so much positive...it was awesome!!!
The night before I was having a tough night...thoughts of what if's, and how could he just leave me and never look back, I let satan take over and had trouble getting any sleep, but then God brought this wonderful christian lady to give me words of encouragement. It's amazing the changes and positive people coming into my life. I still get scared that more heartache will come, but I just have to learn to lean more on God and I will make it.
Thanks for your prayers, they are being heard!!!!!

 

[CRitabe]

That is awesome that you are meeting all these "angels" being sent your way. Wanted to tell you that under the Social Science Section on CF, there is an awesome thread about Assertive Communication, etc... You should check it out, there are some awesome articles in there that I think would be extremely helpful to you right now as you are changing courses. I'll keep praying.

 

[tonya]

Hi Troubled Heart,

Have you ever heard of Joyce meyers? She is a teacher/preacher I listen to on TV and I have also read her books, because I have gone through a similiar situation..try to find the book by Joyce Meyers called Life Without Strife..it is truly an awesome book and gave me insight in my situation..please feel free to pm me if you would like ..also..keep praying that God can do a perfect work in each of you so that your marriage can be restored and the two of you can be the people you need to be for each other..also pray for him and deliverance from his past and a greater knowledge and love of Christ