Hello everyone,
If you've read any of my posts in the past, you likely know that I am what is called an agnostic atheist. This means that I do not hold a belief in any particular god or gods, but also do not believe that a god doesn't exist. I just don't know one way or another. So, I suppose I am what you all in the Christian community might call a "wayward soul".
Anyway, lately, I've been having some very strange experiences that I cannot comfortably chalk up to coincidence. I will share the first of these experiences after providing a little background history.
There is this girl at my college that I used to take a martial arts class with. I am currently a senior; it was sophomore year that we took the class together. We developed a strong friendship very quickly; if you've ever taken martial arts, you may know that throwing and being thrown around by someone of the opposite sex three times a week tends to build up some sexual tension. I was single at the time, but this girl had a boyfriend at a military academy many miles away. So, one night, this tension exploded. I stopped myself from going *too* far with this girl, but the damage was done to our friendship and we haven't really spoken that much since, though now we are both single.
So, on to the weirdness: I've been mentally and spiritually lost in this fog lately. I am unable to concentrate on my academic studies or motivate myself to do much of anything other than creative writing and playing bass. That may just be senioritis, but I've been having these weird thoughts lately that there has to be something out there that "started" all of this. I've been so consumed with these thoughts that it has lead to my absent-mindedness and aforementioned lethargy.
So, one day, I decide to start exploring religion again. I pick up my NIV Bible and start reading, plugging all the way through Genesis in one sitting. The strange thing is, right as I finished, the girl I mentioned calls me up. I forgot to mention that this girl is a very fervent Christian. She tells me that she doesn't know why, but God gave her the feeling that she should call me. This severely disturbs me; I didn't share that sentiment with her, but we conversed for awhile and caught up on things. I should also mention that I still harbor a strong attraction to this girl. Even though I am an atheist, I can still feel a deep respect for her passion and loyalty to her god; I also deeply respect her because she is able, unlike many, to have that much love for her god and still not hold it against me that I do not believe as she does. She understands my position where many do not.
On to the second of these strange happenings: two nights ago, I smoked marijuana with my roommates. I should mention that marijuana does not cause hallucinations, as this will be important later. Midway through smoking, a male voice just says, "Stop." I was compelled to obey and lay down my pipe. The voice was not in my head, but rather was a sort of sound that filled the entire room. The strange thing is that none of my other roommates heard it; I also do not have any history of psychological problems or auditory hallucinations. That night, I had a lot of really weird dreams involving varying Christian imagery and symbols.
The last, and most disturbing, of these occurrences happened this morning. I woke up with blood red marking on my palms, the backs of my hands, and the topside and undersides of my feet. I'm sure you can imagine what I immediately thought of when I saw that. After I saw those markings, I started to freak out until this really strange calming presence washed over me and the marks faded to nothing. I did some research and have found that others have had this experience called "stigmata", though the others involved actual blood. There was no blood in my experience. Shortly after, the girl I mentioned called me up again and told me that she was compelled to invite me to church that weekend. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mainly motivated to acquiesce because I am attracted to her, but it all seems far too strange to ignore.
So, my question is... what are your thoughts on this? I mean... I still have a lot of philosophical and logical mind blocks that would prevent me from ever fully believing in the Bible and mainstream Christianity, but these experiences are something I cannot ignore.
If you've read any of my posts in the past, you likely know that I am what is called an agnostic atheist. This means that I do not hold a belief in any particular god or gods, but also do not believe that a god doesn't exist. I just don't know one way or another. So, I suppose I am what you all in the Christian community might call a "wayward soul".
Anyway, lately, I've been having some very strange experiences that I cannot comfortably chalk up to coincidence. I will share the first of these experiences after providing a little background history.
There is this girl at my college that I used to take a martial arts class with. I am currently a senior; it was sophomore year that we took the class together. We developed a strong friendship very quickly; if you've ever taken martial arts, you may know that throwing and being thrown around by someone of the opposite sex three times a week tends to build up some sexual tension. I was single at the time, but this girl had a boyfriend at a military academy many miles away. So, one night, this tension exploded. I stopped myself from going *too* far with this girl, but the damage was done to our friendship and we haven't really spoken that much since, though now we are both single.
So, on to the weirdness: I've been mentally and spiritually lost in this fog lately. I am unable to concentrate on my academic studies or motivate myself to do much of anything other than creative writing and playing bass. That may just be senioritis, but I've been having these weird thoughts lately that there has to be something out there that "started" all of this. I've been so consumed with these thoughts that it has lead to my absent-mindedness and aforementioned lethargy.
So, one day, I decide to start exploring religion again. I pick up my NIV Bible and start reading, plugging all the way through Genesis in one sitting. The strange thing is, right as I finished, the girl I mentioned calls me up. I forgot to mention that this girl is a very fervent Christian. She tells me that she doesn't know why, but God gave her the feeling that she should call me. This severely disturbs me; I didn't share that sentiment with her, but we conversed for awhile and caught up on things. I should also mention that I still harbor a strong attraction to this girl. Even though I am an atheist, I can still feel a deep respect for her passion and loyalty to her god; I also deeply respect her because she is able, unlike many, to have that much love for her god and still not hold it against me that I do not believe as she does. She understands my position where many do not.
On to the second of these strange happenings: two nights ago, I smoked marijuana with my roommates. I should mention that marijuana does not cause hallucinations, as this will be important later. Midway through smoking, a male voice just says, "Stop." I was compelled to obey and lay down my pipe. The voice was not in my head, but rather was a sort of sound that filled the entire room. The strange thing is that none of my other roommates heard it; I also do not have any history of psychological problems or auditory hallucinations. That night, I had a lot of really weird dreams involving varying Christian imagery and symbols.
The last, and most disturbing, of these occurrences happened this morning. I woke up with blood red marking on my palms, the backs of my hands, and the topside and undersides of my feet. I'm sure you can imagine what I immediately thought of when I saw that. After I saw those markings, I started to freak out until this really strange calming presence washed over me and the marks faded to nothing. I did some research and have found that others have had this experience called "stigmata", though the others involved actual blood. There was no blood in my experience. Shortly after, the girl I mentioned called me up again and told me that she was compelled to invite me to church that weekend. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't mainly motivated to acquiesce because I am attracted to her, but it all seems far too strange to ignore.
So, my question is... what are your thoughts on this? I mean... I still have a lot of philosophical and logical mind blocks that would prevent me from ever fully believing in the Bible and mainstream Christianity, but these experiences are something I cannot ignore.
