This is weird...

[ardeur]

Hmmm.. ok. So about 6 months back I had to sit my boyfriend down and ask him what his plans were for our future together - if he had any plans at all for an engagement in the near future, or if things weren't looking that way for a while. We'd been together for two years and we've known each other for five - it was time to ask him about his plans (even in vague terms to not spoil a surprise) so I wouldn't be left hanging for a few more years down the road.

So it was an intense conversation, but it lead to him saying that he DID have plans for the near future, and the specifics of which he wanted to keep to himself. ;-) I understood that. After this conversation we started talking a LOT more about rings, engagement, wedding.... but for some reason, talking about it seemed to stress both of us out. We know that we cannot get married within a year, so talking about it more openly put a lot of weird stress on the relationship.

I finally suggested that we try to refrain from talking about such things until an agreed upon time in the future, and that has worked out really well. I've began to notice that he occasionally (still) brings up engagements and wedding talk, and if it's only him that brings it up, he doesn't get stressed at all. But if I bring it up, it's a totally different story. He doesn't like it if I start talking about it, but he's perfectly comfortable talking about it himself.

Why? I can't figure this out. Sorry for being so long winded. I think I just needed to vent.

 

[Monaleezza]

I'm in exactly the same situation, so if you don't mind, I'll wait to hear what answers you get and steal any good advice offered.

 

[Mishy]

My beting would be he wants to ask you but in his own time. I've often had chats with my finacee about this and he always says its such a big thing for a man to ask that feeling pressured (even though your not - to him bringing it up could be like hinting) really doesn't help and not to forget that they want to surprise you with it!

As he's already said he see's a future with you thats great, and the fact he is bringing it the subject up, shows it is on his mind. My advice (as frustrating as it is) would be paitent and he'll do it when he's ready and your least expecting it.

 

[Bunnymedic]

Hmmm.. ok. So about 6 months back I had to sit my boyfriend down and ask him what his plans were for our future together - if he had any plans at all for an engagement in the near future, or if things weren't looking that way for a while. We'd been together for two years and we've known each other for five - it was time to ask him about his plans (even in vague terms to not spoil a surprise) so I wouldn't be left hanging for a few more years down the road.

So it was an intense conversation, but it lead to him saying that he DID have plans for the near future, and the specifics of which he wanted to keep to himself. ;-) I understood that. After this conversation we started talking a LOT more about rings, engagement, wedding.... but for some reason, talking about it seemed to stress both of us out. We know that we cannot get married within a year, so talking about it more openly put a lot of weird stress on the relationship.

I finally suggested that we try to refrain from talking about such things until an agreed upon time in the future, and that has worked out really well. I've began to notice that he occasionally (still) brings up engagements and wedding talk, and if it's only him that brings it up, he doesn't get stressed at all. But if I bring it up, it's a totally different story. He doesn't like it if I start talking about it, but he's perfectly comfortable talking about it himself.

Why? I can't figure this out. Sorry for being so long winded. I think I just needed to vent.

Bad bad bad news....
Some like me and my ex-fiance.
Honestly,if after two years he doesnt show more interest,he doesnt want to marry you that bad.
He should have brought it up way before now,and shouldnt be freeking out when you talk about it.I can bet you,if you let it ride out to see what he does,he will drag this relationship on as long as he can without proposing.He may eventually propose if you put pressure on him,but good luck getting married.
My ex proposed to me after 2 years together.then we dragged out the wedding date for 1 and 1/2 years while we reset the date over and over becuase he wasnt ever 'ready' for various reasons.I finally broke up with him when I realized 3 years into the relationship that I was wasting my time with him.Three years!!!
If a man wants to marry you,hes not going to be letting things drag on and hes going to be excited when you talk about getting married.Who wants to be with someone who isn't? Not me.

 

[miss_klara]

Personally, I think he feels pressure when you bring it up. You may not be doing it in a pressuring way, but the whole 'girl trying to push the guy into marriage' is SUCH a stereotypical situation, which is a bummer. If you bring it up, he may interpret it as this exact thing, but if he brings it up, there's no pressure coming from you in his mind- you guys are talking about it based on his own initiative. I'd try and let him know that you bring it up out of excitement, not to try and push him towards something that you completely understand needs to be a long and carefully made decision...

Good luck!!

 

[ardeur]

Personally, I think he feels pressure when you bring it up. You may not be doing it in a pressuring way, but the whole 'girl trying to push the guy into marriage' is SUCH a stereotypical situation, which is a bummer. If you bring it up, he may interpret it as this exact thing, but if he brings it up, there's no pressure coming from you in his mind- you guys are talking about it based on his own initiative. I'd try and let him know that you bring it up out of excitement, not to try and push him towards something that you completely understand needs to be a long and carefully made decision...

Good luck!!

I agree with you. He would talk about being engaged and getting married ALL THE TIME if I allowed him to. The first thing he said when we started dating was that he was in this to marry me some day. I have absolutely no doubts that he wants to marry me and will propose in the near future... he tells me so all the time without any prompting from me.

I seriously think he needs to feel like he is the one making all the "proposal" plans without any mention about it from me. I don't know why my talking about this subject would make him feel pressured, but it does and I suppose I have to deal with it. He just has to be in control of this stage of planning... he wants it to be a huge surprise.

 

[Jer]

Ok, I'm not going to be an expert at this, as I'm pretty young in terms of this kind of commitment, but seeing as no other guys have said anything I though I might say a little from a guy's viewpoint and what I've read and been told by people.

Guys tend to get very freaked out some of the time by commitment! Steriotypical I know, and a lot of the time we may not feel it, but it can be the case, and when we feel like it's heading towards it then you can freak a little and get a bit angry or frustrated. It may be cause he feels like you're rushing things and with it being such a big thing the pressure gets him stressed a bit, especially if it is the case that he's sorting everything out in private to be a huge surprise. He doesn't want to rush it to spoil it for you as he wants the best for you. It could be making him choose between aiming for the best and "rushing" if that makes sense? I hope that helps a little bit.

Also although you replied you don't think it is the case do be careful in case he is one of the guys who is genuinely nice but just doesn't commit to you. My mum has seen it a few times and it's so bad for the girl as she spends so many years of her life on him to just be left behind.

 

[Weasel7711]

how old is he?

 

[ardeur]

My boyfriend is 23.

 

[Weasel7711]

Hmmmm, then it sounds like hes semi retarded. If you guys have been dating for two years and he doesnt know FOR SURE that you are the right one, he doesnt have what it takes to be a husband. How is he going to lead a family if he cant make an easy decision? Id pray hard (which you are probably doing) and reconsider this relationship.

 

[joeman1]

Hmmmm, then it sounds like hes semi retarded. If you guys have been dating for two years and he doesnt know FOR SURE that you are the right one, he doesnt have what it takes to be a husband. How is he going to lead a family if he cant make an easy decision? Id pray hard (which you are probably doing) and reconsider this relationship.

I somewhat agree with you weasel. I agree that if after 2 years that he isn't sure about the relationship she should pray hard, but at the same time we don't know his reasoning. Maybe he doesn't feel financially stable enough to provide for her and a family. Maybe he is waiting to get a better job. Or maybe he is wanting to talk with her parents before asking her. Now I would have to agree with what someone said earlier that he is feeling pressured when you bring it up. I understand that you are wanting clearcut direction as to where you two are going. I think he was just taking it that you were "nagging" him to pop the question. I know that most guys are very prideful and want to do things on our own time. Just take some time let him continue to bring it up. Be supportive. One question I have is if he is from a broken family or a family that argues a lot?

 

[ardeur]

His family life was and is great. They are all very loving towards each other. This is actually one of the big reasons that I want to marry this guy (along with many others) - he grew up seeing a healthy, loving marriage and has an awesome relationship with his sister.

 

[joeman1]

His family life was and is great. They are all very loving towards each other. This is actually one of the big reasons that I want to marry this guy (along with many others) - he grew up seeing a healthy, loving marriage and has an awesome relationship with his sister.

Hmmm things just aren't adding up then unless he is worried about financial stability. That could be the key.