this is me

[dreamchildattucus]

On April 20 2009 I was assaulted? rapped? by my ex... I don't even know sometimes what to call it, I haven't completely come to terms with what happened, I try and block as much of that night out as I can. I can tell that it is getting closer to the anniversary, because I have been depressed the past few months. It dosn't help my grandpa died two weeks ago now this. I have always pushed people out of my life, keeping them from the deepest darkest parts, and I can see this too is affecting it. I have always had guy friends, but when one of them dose something like this I have found my self slightly afraid of guys. I haven't had a boyfriend since then, and every guy that tries to get close, I end up pushing away from him. And then recently I have felt "ok" about guys, but its all relative, and the guys I like don't like me back. I feel like a fricken freak because I don't think I have 1 healthy relationship, it's like Ive got to be hiding something from them. I have been to counselors, and taken pills, but its like I have this monster inside me, and I can try and tame it, but it has a wild side, and nothing I do helps. I used to cut, and do drugs, but it's like anymore nothing helps. The only "acceptable" thing I can do is smoke, and then I have all of the people who care about me telling me to quit, and I know I should, but I don't want to. and then there's God, who I seem to keep at a distance as well. Up until last year, I thought that what hapend to me was somehow my fault, and I could have done something different, but every time I go back to that night I just cry and wish I could set back time, but I am stuck in this time with this life I have been given. I just wish I could have one human being that understands me, and who I could open up too. I just wish I knew what was holding me back...

Well anyway that's my life, living everyday in a smiling mask, I am that chick, the one smiling serving up your sandwich meat in the local deli, if you see me you wouldn't be able to tell I have a dark secret, I feel like that's the case with most people like me, but is there anyone truly the same? well anyway, I just felt I had to say something to someone... thanks for listening

 

[Johnnz]

Rape can be so destructive in many areas. You are not alone, it wasn't your fault, many people just don't understand, and the burden of it all and the loneliness is almost too much at times.

I'm sure there are other posts here that you can identify with.

John
NZ