I have been battling OCD for several years. There are a small number of people close to me, along with my counselor, that know what I deal with. I need to talk to people who EXPERIENCE the things that I do. Therefore, this is my attempt to open up to perfect strangers because I so desperately need the help. This is incredibly difficult for me, but I imagine that you guys/girls can understand and appreciate that.
Most of you probably already know that people are not necessarily affected by just one form of OCD. This would describe me. I have small compulsions, but they only bother me a minor bit. Then I struggle with scrupulosity; this causes huge anxiety. Finally, I deal with sexual OCD as well; this also causes incredible pain and anxiety for me.
This all started a couple of years ago. I knew that I already had OCD because I did quirky things, like count my footsteps and purify a room before I left. But then, out of no where, I started having thoughts of (God help me) pedophilia. This absolutely terrified me!! I didn't understand. After some therapy, I realized that it was OCD. But what was so hard was that they felt REAL. I honestly couldn't tell if I liked the thoughts or not. This made me feel like God would never forgive me. Regardless of the fact that I have not and would not act on something like that, I felt like just having that "desire" made me too filthy and sinful for forgiveness. I know we all have a sinful nature, and if these thoughts were my true desires, then they are temptations and the bible tells us that temptations are not sins. Regardless, they make me feel disgusting, horrible, depressed, unloved, rejected by God, and unfit for Jesus' salvation. I came to a point where I honestly considered suicide. I have had similar thoughts of homosexuality; they did the same thing to me. Finally, I got on some medication and the thoughts eventually went away (moved on to something else). But now they are back and all of these horrible feelings are arising once again. Has anyone else experienced these kinds of thoughts?
Also, I deal with scrupulosity. Thinking that God would never forgive me for some of the thoughts that I have had. When I pray, I have blasphemous thoughts, whether they are sexual thoughts about Jesus, or thoughts of doubt. I get these kinds of thoughts all throughout the day. I also have thoughts of liking satan, or liking death, or wanting evil. So many thoughts that make me scared that I am not a child of God, but rather a child of satan. I fear EVERY DAY that God does not love me. That he won't forgive me and that I am going to burn in hell. And the thing is, as much as I fight these thoughts, and try to understand that they are thoughts from OCD, THEY FEEL REAL!! Someone please help me. I love God with all my heart and soul and I just want to make him happy and spend all of eternity with him. I always try to think of the "worst case" scenario; that these thoughts are not OCD, but they are actually a part of my nature. If that is the case, will God still allow me to have salvation? I am so scared and I have recently been so upset that I have again been having thoughts of suicide. I am just tired. I fight with all my will and I am just emotionally, mentally,and spiritually TIRED.
Does this sound like anyone elses situation?
Most of you probably already know that people are not necessarily affected by just one form of OCD. This would describe me. I have small compulsions, but they only bother me a minor bit. Then I struggle with scrupulosity; this causes huge anxiety. Finally, I deal with sexual OCD as well; this also causes incredible pain and anxiety for me.
This all started a couple of years ago. I knew that I already had OCD because I did quirky things, like count my footsteps and purify a room before I left. But then, out of no where, I started having thoughts of (God help me) pedophilia. This absolutely terrified me!! I didn't understand. After some therapy, I realized that it was OCD. But what was so hard was that they felt REAL. I honestly couldn't tell if I liked the thoughts or not. This made me feel like God would never forgive me. Regardless of the fact that I have not and would not act on something like that, I felt like just having that "desire" made me too filthy and sinful for forgiveness. I know we all have a sinful nature, and if these thoughts were my true desires, then they are temptations and the bible tells us that temptations are not sins. Regardless, they make me feel disgusting, horrible, depressed, unloved, rejected by God, and unfit for Jesus' salvation. I came to a point where I honestly considered suicide. I have had similar thoughts of homosexuality; they did the same thing to me. Finally, I got on some medication and the thoughts eventually went away (moved on to something else). But now they are back and all of these horrible feelings are arising once again. Has anyone else experienced these kinds of thoughts?
Also, I deal with scrupulosity. Thinking that God would never forgive me for some of the thoughts that I have had. When I pray, I have blasphemous thoughts, whether they are sexual thoughts about Jesus, or thoughts of doubt. I get these kinds of thoughts all throughout the day. I also have thoughts of liking satan, or liking death, or wanting evil. So many thoughts that make me scared that I am not a child of God, but rather a child of satan. I fear EVERY DAY that God does not love me. That he won't forgive me and that I am going to burn in hell. And the thing is, as much as I fight these thoughts, and try to understand that they are thoughts from OCD, THEY FEEL REAL!! Someone please help me. I love God with all my heart and soul and I just want to make him happy and spend all of eternity with him. I always try to think of the "worst case" scenario; that these thoughts are not OCD, but they are actually a part of my nature. If that is the case, will God still allow me to have salvation? I am so scared and I have recently been so upset that I have again been having thoughts of suicide. I am just tired. I fight with all my will and I am just emotionally, mentally,and spiritually TIRED.
Does this sound like anyone elses situation?
