This Couple We Know

[SnowyMacie]

So, two of my friends got married back in May. I noticed last Summer (2013), that she was starting to become this very selfish, controlling person. I thought well, she's engaged, I think that's normal. I started to think and noticed that in the three years I had known her at that point, she had always been childish. Not in like she's playful, innocent, but honestly it's like her brain stopped maturing in some ways around age 6. She's self-centered in the way a five year old would be, and kind of perceives the world like one. She sees her parents the way a five year old would, she has no sense of independence, she always said that she wanted to get married immediately after graduation because she couldn't live on her own (I'm pretty sure she couldn't). One day, I don't remember what set me off to do this, but I texted one of my best friends about this. He said that "yeah, she is a bit childish at times.", but that was the end of it.
One day back in April, we were talking about this because of something that really made them mad at her earlier. He brought up "Matt was the first was to bring up to me, and I tried to not let it affect me, but I couldn't help but notice it." Our other friend mentioned that him and his ex-girlfriend noticed it from day one. What happened that brought it up was that he had bought himself a set of golf clubs and a bag, and she was mad at him for this because her dad had bought him that for his wedding present, and said "You're not allowed to buy anything without my permission". We almost sat down and intervention at that point, but scheduling that at the end of the semester didn't work out.
Flash forward to now, she got a job as a teacher, and he was going to take the year off and go to grad school next year. Anyway, he still doesn't because she won't let him have a job where he might have to work nights and weekends because she won't get to see him.
We're all genuinely concerned for them because they are in a bad place, but we don't know what to do. He was emotionally ready to get married, but neither of them was ready like skill wise. One of us talked to her parents about it, and they "Oh well, that's just _____, she really loves spending time with people she loves." My sister and bro-in-law are friends with them, don't have decades of marriage under their belt, but have 5 years (we're in a similar situation right after graduation because they both work for the school system) so I've thought about that as an option. Here's the thing, they're a great couple, they just weren't ready to get married and all of their friends saw that except them. Our concern is, how can we help them?

 

[Inkachu]

I'm not sure what you're asking for. They got married, so it's kind of a done deal at this point. Time to focus on making the marriage work, not whether or not they should be together, cause they already are.

 

[SnowyMacie]

I'm not sure what you're asking for. They got married, so it's kind of a done deal at this point. Time to focus on making the marriage work, not whether or not they should be together, cause they already are.

How can we help them?

 

[Inkachu]

How can we help them?

Pray for them. Seriously. At this point, the wedding is over, it's gotta be looking forward from here on out. Try to be a loving and supportive friend, but do not get in the middle if they have a spat or any drama going on. They're going to have to work this out for themselves. Hopefully they at least have the commitment and maturity to stick with it until they both grow up a little more.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Prayer and support are about all you can do. If they're too immature or didn't take the time to get to know each other before marriage then that's on them. Immature people will have to grow up and it's up to them to work it out. It sounds harsh but they're a couple now and their problems are something they will ultimately have to overcome. You won't be able to do much but pray for them and encourage them to stick with it.

 

[pdudgeon]

besides prayer and support there is one more thing that you can do for them. Find a local church that is sponsoring Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.

it's a great course for married folk about how to talk and listen to each other, how to make decisions together, how to handle money, how to plan for the future, how/when to buy a house, how to save, how to get out of debit, etc. Most of the arguements in any marriage are about money (i.e. the golf clubs) so this would really set both of them on the right track in life, help them to avoid some major pitfalls, and remove a lot of added stress in their lives.

 

[LinkH]

You can pray for them. Maybe you could find an older Christian couple to mentor them in marriage or maybe just a woman to mentor the wife, since she is the one you see a problem with. You could also direct her to the Peaceful Wife blog or videos. (And her husband' to the Peaceful Wife's husband's site.) Jane Farrer has good videos for women on YouTube. You could get her a book on being a good wife. Maybe get the husband some books that relate to being a good husband, setting boundaries, etc.

 

[LilLamb219]

They could go to marriage counseling to help strengthen their marriage. Don't get too involved in their marital situation though because it could come back to bite you. This is their business.

 

[ValleyGal]

Everyone could pitch in and buy them a nice anniversary gift of a weekend workshop or retreat that is based on Dr. Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." It is a workshop that provides the skills and understanding of how to be more successful in being married. It helps all marriages, whether they are already good to start with, or whether they are struggling.

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

In my mind reading this, she is the man in this marriage, he cowers to her whims. I think your friend might have some insecurities and self doubts, he needs to get a job if he ever hoped to move up to get weekends and nights off. They do not have children so he needs to spend this time working very hard. So when children come he is able to be present for them. I would talk to your friend, but not necessarily his wife just yet, focus on building him up, not knocking her down. Encouraging your friend is wise, but changing his wife is not your place.

 

[kmrichard7]

Simple... Its none of your business. What you can do is stay out of it. Meddling is only going to cause more problems for the marriage and your friendship. It is not your place to point fingers and pass judgement on a marriage you know nothing about. You dont see what goes on behind closed doors and even if you did, unless someones well being was in danger, you have no right to assert your opinions.
Every couple operates differently and because this behavior would not work well with you does not mean it will not work for them. I gave up school on my own to be a stay at home wife because my husband and I didn't have enough time together. This is what was best for our marriage and there is nothing wrong with this.

 

[Odetta]

What can you do to help? Pray and butt out.

Unless someone is in physical danger, you have no place to intervene. Pray, sure, as you feel led to do so. But it's their marriage and you have no part of it. If they themselves try to drag you into their drama, offer to pray for them, and then stay out of it. They need to figure this out on their own, or with professional counseling if it comes to that. Or a Titus 2 mentor of their choosing, of whom you don't fit the bill.

 

[SnowyMacie]

In my mind reading this, she is the man in this marriage, he cowers to her whims. I think your friend might have some insecurities and self doubts, he needs to get a job if he ever hoped to move up to get weekends and nights off. They do not have children so he needs to spend this time working very hard. So when children come he is able to be present for them. I would talk to your friend, but not necessarily his wife just yet, focus on building him up, not knocking her down. Encouraging your friend is wise, but changing his wife is not your place.

Simple... Its none of your business. What you can do is stay out of it. Meddling is only going to cause more problems for the marriage and your friendship. It is not your place to point fingers and pass judgement on a marriage you know nothing about. You dont see what goes on behind closed doors and even if you did, unless someones well being was in danger, you have no right to assert your opinions.
Every couple operates differently and because this behavior would not work well with you does not mean it will not work for them. I gave up school on my own to be a stay at home wife because my husband and I didn't have enough time together. This is what was best for our marriage and there is nothing wrong with this.

What can you do to help? Pray and butt out.

Unless someone is in physical danger, you have no place to intervene. Pray, sure, as you feel led to do so. But it's their marriage and you have no part of it. If they themselves try to drag you into their drama, offer to pray for them, and then stay out of it. They need to figure this out on their own, or with professional counseling if it comes to that. Or a Titus 2 mentor of their choosing, of whom you don't fit the bill.

Thank you guys for your time and input, but it all ended up working itself out almost a year ago.

 

[High Fidelity]

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Thread closed at OP's request.

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