This Christmas was the first since my parents died, so my adult siblings were more sympathetic to what I was experiencing last year after my husband died.
It was weird very weird to be without my husband and my parents this Christmas. I did pull off making the holiday nice for the kids but I am incredibly low and keep getting triggered and keep wanting to just uproot our lives and move away. I won’t do that, but literally everywhere I go in this county and the surrounding ones reminds me of someone important to me who is dead whether my firstborn son, my husband, a man who was like my only grandparent, my mom, my dad. It’s like living in a memory by myself and trying to bring children up in it.
my youngest will turn 3 next month and she is now confused because she thinks a dad is a necklace because I wear a necklace w some of his ashes in it. I tried to teach her what a dad is so then she was calling all men daddy. She doesn’t recognize him in pictures. It’s been 18 months. My boys are doing poorly and I’m trying to get them into a big brother program until they have a stepfather and they ask me about that or bring it up all the time “when we have a stepdaddy”, “when are we getting a stepdaddy”, “I want a new daddy”. I really wish Christian dating was as easy as it was decades ago because it’s been really difficult trying to meet anyone let alone date. And yes, I’m ready, I know opinions vary and whatnot. It stinks that I also feel like I am unable to provide them with that, and I have to watch them suffer w no male role models. Sometimes I hear women in grief groups or read online where they say their late husband’s brother or friend or men at their church step up but that hasn’t happened in my case.
well I see my post turned into a pointless rant, and I apologize lol ugh
Well, it made perfect sense to me.
I did uproot and move my family. My kids were 10 and 12 when daddy died. We moved a year and half later, across the country to a place we didn't know anyone and didn't have any memories to compete with. The move was initially temporary but the decision to make it permanent was their decision. They are now 21 and 23 and have thrived in our new state...and both say that it was a good thing. I regret moving them away from family...but the truth is, how his family responded to my husband's death is a significant reason in why I had to move. They were more toxic than helpful during those first few years.
And be careful about the reasons you date. You should marry a man for the same reason that you married your husband...not simply because you need a husband and your kids need a step-dad. You can be enough...even if you don't feel like it or you don't want to be. I fully am open to marrying again...but God did not provide me another husband. I guess raising my kids alone kept me busy enough. I did date a few men. Mostly real decent men. Men I initially thought I could marry but in the end, not really the right fit for me or my family. Getting remarried brings in its own special complications and unlike with the kids' dad, you don't get to start coming together with your family rules as the child grows.
My daughter has multiple friends that their bond is formed over losing a parent. She has a friend that doesn't remember her father, but even still, that young women is an outstanding person and she was delighted to have someone to talk about things only they can talk about. My daughter was 10, but honestly, her personal memories are becoming very faded or lost. Mostly they are kept alive in the stories I tell about things they did with their dad or ways they are similar to him.
Your kids are very young. They will figure out things like "what a daddy is" over time. Their daddy can't be replaced. He is unique and loved them because they are a piece of him. A step-dad can develop into a father but remember, that takes time and doesn't necessarily come naturally. I'd personally suggest that you stop talking about a step-daddy to them until you actually are engaged. They need to know that daddies aren't replaceable or that every man you date and decide not to marry is a "daddy who went away". Trust God to provide you with what you need. And work on being the best Mommy since they do still have you.
And yes, it completely <words I can't say on this forum> to be a widow with small kids. However, your job is to provide them a happy childhood in spite of their hard start. Love them. Be there for them. And remember, your family is still complete when it is just them and you.
I don't know if I will be alone for the rest of my life. It isn't my preferred option but looking back, it is a lot better than trying to force fit a family where it didn't really belong. ((hugs))
PS...and no one stepped up for my son either. Yes, it made it hard for him as a boy and me as a mom to try to fill his dad's shoes when I had to...but at the same time, there are a lot of guys out their that I did not want them teaching my son how to be their version of a man. Yes, I can now play baseball and know most of the rules. I was a scout leader and can camp with the best of them. I hate fishing but I can clean a fish and bait a hook. I also had to learn how to give him permission to think like a boy, respond like a boy, and act like a boy.
