This cannot be normal....

[Aredhel]

I have been so depressed for so long. I just wanted to feel better, and eventually got antidepressants to treat it. But now that the REALLY bad feelings are going, I feel weird. It's almost like as much as I WANT to feel good, depression was, like part of who I am and now I almost kkind of want it back. And I am purposely skipping doses and feeling down and I know how bad and selfish it is....but I just can't let myself get better. I feel like I'm losing a big part of what i use to define myself. I feel so guilty but I cant let go.

 

[INFJ]

I have been so depressed for so long. I just wanted to feel better, and eventually got antidepressants to treat it. But now that the REALLY bad feelings are going, I feel weird. It's almost like as much as I WANT to feel good, depression was, like part of who I am and now I almost kkind of want it back. And I am purposely skipping doses and feeling down and I know how bad and selfish it is....but I just can't let myself get better. I feel like I'm losing a big part of what i use to define myself. I feel so guilty but I cant let go.

Hi there dear brother!!!

SEE you may be use to "routine" per say. Meaning that you were so use to the way you felt that now feeling okay is really odd to you. You also may be getting attack from the evil one...
I would talk to a professional or your clergyman bout this issue as I will keep you in my prayers!!!.

God be with you brother!!!!!

 

[Amin]

I have been so depressed for so long. I just wanted to feel better, and eventually got antidepressants to treat it. But now that the REALLY bad feelings are going, I feel weird. It's almost like as much as I WANT to feel good, depression was, like part of who I am and now I almost kkind of want it back. And I am purposely skipping doses and feeling down and I know how bad and selfish it is....but I just can't let myself get better. I feel like I'm losing a big part of what i use to define myself. I feel so guilty but I cant let go.

Hi,
I think that when we have depression for a long time, it's easy for it to feel like it belongs with us. Like it's a part of us. My guess would be you've been depressed so long, that when you start to feel better you don't recognize it, it's an alien feeling. I would think that if you left the new feeling be around as long as the depression was, it would feel like it was a part of you too. Just like it should be. I've been depressed for a long time too. I find myself thinking, I've been depressed for so long, what's it going to feel like if i start to get well. My guess is I'd probably feel the same way you do. I think you may have to give yourself time to feel better, and things may fall right into place.
Chuck.

 

[whitedove7]

It sounds like depression became part of you since you had it so long. I used to have depression and had to take antidepressants. Don't feel guilty about feeling better or that you need help through medication.

You can overcome!

 

[Taylor43]

I am praying for you hun, Meds take time to work and i hope you will let your doctor know how it is working. Meds are great but it can take time for you to get the right ones the mainthing is to keep intouch with your doctor, let them know the symptoms you experience and thing.

I feel this is not normal allot myself but i have a pyschiatrist and my family doctor, counsellor who encourages me to be honest and open It's not easy but once on meds just keep a open communication with your Doctor's. They are not there to hurt you but to help you. You are normal Meds or not.
Love
Taylor

 

[rocklife]

I hope I can share a little, just take it or leave it. I had depression as a teenager, I am thankful God has changed my life so much, and given me hope.

I don't walk around smiling all day though. I have that hope in me of God, but I let myself see other's pain, and I cry with them, or feel anger or whatever, and I let that be energy to pray for them, pray for the oppressors, pray for our enemies. and learn ways to reach out with God's love.

God has given me that capacity to feel the pain, and to use it for good. maybe you can also find use for that energy.

I learned about persecuted christians around the world, and I cry when I hear their testimonies, and read testimonies of Nazi survivors, and hear how God was with them and helps them, even in their sufferings. And there are still ministries that are persecuted and hurting.

maybe reading and learning more about others who are hurting, and how you can help pray for them and even other things you can do, may help you. you can read books like Jesus Freaks, and they have ways you can find out more about how to help others who are hurting. Jesus Freaks is written with teens in mind, but may be a bit graphic, it tells about real life people and real life bad things, even deaths. it is available at https://www.vombooks.com/qry/qe_sto...26364698&_nc=80737604fad5baa94711208a757d56c5 and maybe a local christian bookstore

that's just an idea. God has helped me with depression and conquer, and to use that energy for good purposes, and the capacity to share other's suffering is something only have, I think.

God bless, I'm praying for you

 

[MadeFromScratch]

I know what you're saying Aredhel. Your depression, though not a good thing, is something you are familiar with and comfortable with (in a wierd way, but still). You know what it's like to feel depressed, you know what to expect, you have your ways of coping with it, you have your routines when you are that way. Depression, though not good, becomes like a friend (in a wierd way, but still).

Not being depressed will take some getting used to. What you're feeling is a normal reaction. You're not as familiar with it, or as comfortable with it. That's ok. You'll get used to it. It's just new and different and leaves you feeling out of place and unsure. Give yourself time.

It might help to find some little ritual you can engage in that you can associate with your non-depressive feelings. It can help you re-define yourself. I don't mean any sort of religious ritual, but maybe take a long, hot bath with lots of bubbles and read your bible (or any good book) when you feel that way. Maybe work on your car at those times, or jog, or play a musical instrument, or sit on the porch with a cup of coffee and watch the clouds go by, or whatever.

If you can find some things to do for yourself, something where you can spend time alone with your thoughts, then it can become a new thing for you that you associate with your non-depression. God doesn't allow voids. Any time there is a void, it will be replaced with something else. You'll want to replace those old feelings of depression with something good.

I pull weeds. It's very therapeutic for me. Over time it has become my personal "thing" and it's a private ritual for me, a time for me to be alone. It's become a comfortable place for me to be and I like it there. Sometimes I pull weeds when I'm really mad and want to punch something but usually I pull weeds when I'm in a fairly good mood. I enjoy the sunshine and quietness and getting lost in my thoughts (or not having any thoughts at all) and it's just really nice.

Give yourself a little time to readjust. Embrace your new feelings so that they become familiar to you, like slipping on a comfortable pair of old slippers. You'll soon look back at those old feelings of depression and not want anything to do with it.

Does any of this make any sense? I hope it helps in some way.

 

[pockleberry]

I think lots of people feel what you are feeling now, I'm not saying that to make how you feel seem insignificant I just want you to be able to accept what you are feeling. Someone said to me the other day that there is a person who was fearfully and wonderfully made by God inside of me but my depression makes that person have to hide deep inside of me, people get glances of that person but I can't see it myself because the depression distorts my vision...maybe that's how it is for you, that the depression was so much a part of your life that you don't know the person God made you to be, It won't be easy but try and stick it out with the meds and gradually you will begin to see who you really are...

 

[Silver-winged Flyer]

Maybe its also a case of being scared of the unknown and not being depressed is very unfamiliar territory and you also may feel like you won't be in control if you're on medication. Take each day as it comes and speak to your doctor about how the medication makes you feel. He/she might be able to make you feel better about taking it.

T.

 

[Frangible]

I have been so depressed for so long. I just wanted to feel better, and eventually got antidepressants to treat it. But now that the REALLY bad feelings are going, I feel weird. It's almost like as much as I WANT to feel good, depression was, like part of who I am

You are wrong, you are very wrong. Depression is not who you are, and you are not depression-- any more than you happiness, anger, fear, etc. Think about it. Were you depressed all your life? No. Then clearly, identifying yourself with this is wrong. You must remember, all emotions, even powerful and long-lasting ones like depression are transitory. They had a beginning, they change, and they have an end. Your emotions are an attribute of you, but through all that change, you were, and you remain.

and now I almost kkind of want it back.

But it is not you! It is something that is impermanent. Whether by medication or the long passage of time, it will fade. You cannot cling to something so intangible as an emotion. They do not last, there is nothing substantial to them. Even if you want it back, the true nature of it is to fade away. The drugs simply help speed this process up and lessen your suffering.

And I am purposely skipping doses and feeling down and I know how bad and selfish it is....

It isn't even selfish-- proper self interest is seeking happiness and avoiding suffering.

You are choosing suffering for yourself, by clinging to something you see as defining you-- which it very clearly is not-- and wanting to hold on to something that is intangible and impermanent.

It is like you have wandered into a foul cloud of smoke, which makes your eyes tears and your body cough. After a while, everything seems to be the smoke, and you get used to being in it. But clouds of smoke are not eternal -- they disspate. And whether or not someone pulls you out or you stay in the cloud as long as you can, it will fade, and it does not define you. Any more than depression.

but I just can't let myself get better.

You most certainly can. You have already gotten professional help and taken steps to get better. It's not an instant process.

I feel like I'm losing a big part of what i use to define myself.

So don't define yourself by your emotions! The "you", you think is "you", is a composite entity of many changing, transitory things. What, through it all, is unchanging? Perhaps that is what you should define yourself with. Not emotions.

I feel so guilty but I cant let go.

You cling to delusion, a wrong view about who you are, by trying to define yourself by something temporary that cannot last. And this only results in suffering for yourself.

And not just for yourself. It affects the people around you. People you know, people you consider friends, people you love, people you have just met, people you have yet to meet. It affects your job performance. It not only hurts every interaction you have, but prevents you from having interactions you might've otherwise!

And what is the advantage to not letting go of this incorrect belief? There are none.

If you were selfish, you would let go.
If you didn't care, you would let go.
If you were compassionate and wanted to take the action that would most benefit other people, you would let go.

The only reason I can think of that you haven't let go is you feel you deserve your fate. And if you think that, you are very, very wrong. There are many factors that cause depression. Only some are under your control. How can factors beyond your control be your fault? No matter what you have done, you are a human being. And that is special. And like all other human beings, you deserve happiness and freedom from suffering. Not moreso, not less so-- equally. For in the end, we are all connected. When you are not depressed, you help and interact more positively with others-- and are of greater benefit to them, because you can better express the love you have. So really, everyone deserves you to not be depressed!

So remember: this is not you. It does not define you. You deserve better, and that is not wholly selfish, because getting better is better for all, through you.