I am hurting tonight.
I visited with my mother for the first time in two years this afternoon. It was cordial and a bit akward at times. It would have been a complete disaster if not for my wonderful fiance who kept the conversation going. I will tell you why in as short of space as possible. Warning: This is not for faint of heart, though I doubt that there are any faint hearts in here anyways.
At 5 yrs my parents divorced, my mom got custody of me and dad got weekend visits.
At 6 yrs a young man (age unknown probably 12) baby sitting me made me show him my penis. I kind of told my mom what happened and she yelled at the boy and told his mom. She also moved us in with a man she was dating.
At 8 yrs I was molested by my cousin (age approximately 12), I didn't tell anyone until I was 22. We lived, at this time, with her mother and sister. We left abruptly after coming home one afternoon from school and work to find an empty house. Her family is like that, thieving no good types.
From 9-11 yrs we spent moving and being evicted until finally moving into my dad's house, which was not being lived in due to the fact that my dad was engaged to a woman he was living with. He told my mom one night, just after christmas, that he wanted us out of his house but that I could move in with him and his, then fiance, now ex-wife. I stayed with my mom. Also, during this time my mom used to make me take notes to our neighbors apartments asking for money, sometimes it would be the home of one of my classmates.
From above age through 12 yrs we were homeless, living in shelters or transitional housing.
From 13-17 yrs we lived in an apartment. She worked nights for a while and then switched to days. I went to school and became really closed off socially and emotionally.
From 18-22 yrs I was in the marines. In chronological order: I found a girlfriend. My mom had a stroke and I was not really there enough for her in my opinion. My girlfriend broke up with me because I was angry and volitile, and my mom was not there for me at all for this stuff and we became distant. I stated drinking alone everyday. I wrecked my car driving drunk and reconciled with God shortly after. My mom and I became more and more distant. I didn't talk to my dad for years at a time. I met my fiance, and then got out of marines. Just after I got out I needed a place to stay until I got on my feet and my mom let me sleep on her couch. Then she met a guy and wrote me this letter telling me she wanted her 'life back,' i.e. I was a burden, which had nothing to do money or me being lazy or anything because I helped with food and was really helpful in general. After this I left.
From 22-24 yrs I stated school, found a job to pay my bills while I go to school, and have built a good relationship with my saintly fiance who has helped my through many dark nights. Then after almost two years of not talking to my mom I got a phone call from her. We talked some over a few months and then decieded to meet, so she came over to my apartment and we had a very akward and cold encounter, which was this afternoon.
I know that my mom's life, her childhood, adolesence, and early adulthood were rough and that she had her own problems and I don't blame her for the bad things that have happened to me because I know that, at least, she could have been worse and probably did her best. However, I have suffered many many things because she sucked as a mom and thus, I no longer have any emotions of love for her. I wish the very best for her but I don't want anything to do with her. Is that wrong? How can someone have zero emotions toward their mother? I felt so cold with her today, and I'm getting worried because I'm like that with almost everyone that I do not know in an intimate way, cold. It's like my shield that I leave up because I don't trust people. I love helping the suffering and the poor, and have expierience doing so. But when I encounter everyday people in everyday scenarios I am cold as ice. Not mean, not nice, just cold. Like I'm always in a reactionary mode. If they are cool then I'm cool, but if they are mean then I'm mean.
I'm not asking for answers just your thoughts on whether or not you think I'm evil for the way I am with my mom.
Thank you all so much for reading/listening, I hope God blesses you for your love.
I visited with my mother for the first time in two years this afternoon. It was cordial and a bit akward at times. It would have been a complete disaster if not for my wonderful fiance who kept the conversation going. I will tell you why in as short of space as possible. Warning: This is not for faint of heart, though I doubt that there are any faint hearts in here anyways.
At 5 yrs my parents divorced, my mom got custody of me and dad got weekend visits.
At 6 yrs a young man (age unknown probably 12) baby sitting me made me show him my penis. I kind of told my mom what happened and she yelled at the boy and told his mom. She also moved us in with a man she was dating.
At 8 yrs I was molested by my cousin (age approximately 12), I didn't tell anyone until I was 22. We lived, at this time, with her mother and sister. We left abruptly after coming home one afternoon from school and work to find an empty house. Her family is like that, thieving no good types.
From 9-11 yrs we spent moving and being evicted until finally moving into my dad's house, which was not being lived in due to the fact that my dad was engaged to a woman he was living with. He told my mom one night, just after christmas, that he wanted us out of his house but that I could move in with him and his, then fiance, now ex-wife. I stayed with my mom. Also, during this time my mom used to make me take notes to our neighbors apartments asking for money, sometimes it would be the home of one of my classmates.
From above age through 12 yrs we were homeless, living in shelters or transitional housing.
From 13-17 yrs we lived in an apartment. She worked nights for a while and then switched to days. I went to school and became really closed off socially and emotionally.
From 18-22 yrs I was in the marines. In chronological order: I found a girlfriend. My mom had a stroke and I was not really there enough for her in my opinion. My girlfriend broke up with me because I was angry and volitile, and my mom was not there for me at all for this stuff and we became distant. I stated drinking alone everyday. I wrecked my car driving drunk and reconciled with God shortly after. My mom and I became more and more distant. I didn't talk to my dad for years at a time. I met my fiance, and then got out of marines. Just after I got out I needed a place to stay until I got on my feet and my mom let me sleep on her couch. Then she met a guy and wrote me this letter telling me she wanted her 'life back,' i.e. I was a burden, which had nothing to do money or me being lazy or anything because I helped with food and was really helpful in general. After this I left.
From 22-24 yrs I stated school, found a job to pay my bills while I go to school, and have built a good relationship with my saintly fiance who has helped my through many dark nights. Then after almost two years of not talking to my mom I got a phone call from her. We talked some over a few months and then decieded to meet, so she came over to my apartment and we had a very akward and cold encounter, which was this afternoon.
I know that my mom's life, her childhood, adolesence, and early adulthood were rough and that she had her own problems and I don't blame her for the bad things that have happened to me because I know that, at least, she could have been worse and probably did her best. However, I have suffered many many things because she sucked as a mom and thus, I no longer have any emotions of love for her. I wish the very best for her but I don't want anything to do with her. Is that wrong? How can someone have zero emotions toward their mother? I felt so cold with her today, and I'm getting worried because I'm like that with almost everyone that I do not know in an intimate way, cold. It's like my shield that I leave up because I don't trust people. I love helping the suffering and the poor, and have expierience doing so. But when I encounter everyday people in everyday scenarios I am cold as ice. Not mean, not nice, just cold. Like I'm always in a reactionary mode. If they are cool then I'm cool, but if they are mean then I'm mean.
I'm not asking for answers just your thoughts on whether or not you think I'm evil for the way I am with my mom.
Thank you all so much for reading/listening, I hope God blesses you for your love.
I'm sorry I can't be with you to give a comforting arm, but I care. And more importantly, God knows your pain, and has prepared a future where it won't hurt like this. He'll never let you out of His care. 
