Thinking about relationships

[cloudstrife007]

I haven't had a girlfriend since high school not because I set high standards nor because I'm a pushover nice guy who finishes last. But it has been more of a personal choice in not wanting or needing a girlfriend. I feel that I shouldn't be looking for the 'perfect partner', but rather I should be working on myself and working on myself to being a better partner.


But recently the topic of being in a relationship has been on my mind alot even though I do trust God to provide someone for me and pray to Him about it.
There has been a girl at church who I think about alot. She's cute, smart, funny, loving, kind/considerate. They are all great attributes to see in a girl, but the one which really sticks in my mind is seeing how her life reflects her love for God.

I feel more comfortable in sharing with Christians who aren't in my life so that it won't make it awkward for my Christian friends who know me and her.
My 2 hesitations:
1. I am 6 years older than her.
I don't know if age should be a big issue or not. She is mature in terms of her godliness but her behaviour can sometimes be immature. After finishing a degree and working for a year, I'm back at university studying a postgraduate course. I can probably think of a 101 reasons for both sides on the issue of age.

2. I don't think she has any interest in me.
It's usually me who initiates conversations on MSN/SMS. In person, I'm a bit shy/hesitant to approach her. It tends to be her who initiates conversation/greets me.


I have been trying to forget about the whole thing and move on. I deleted her on Facebook, MSN, avoid conversations with her in person, etc. I read God's word, listen to sermons, I pray to God to provide her with a godly partner and for me to move on in life in a godly way.


But at the end of the day, I can't stop thinking about her.
Is there any chance in pursuing a relationship with someone I like despite my hesitations?
Or how do I move on? Give it time? It's been like 2 months now. And it's been really hard also because we're both on the youth group team and go to the same church.

 

[Luther073082]

I'm only going to address the immaturity and age issues. In general if you already notice that she can be immature sometimes then getting into a relationship is only going to make things worse.

Relationships test maturity, and if she doesn't have it then you don't want to be with her trust me.

Also with her age I'm not sure you should pursue. If she's in college at her age she may in general want and expect to finish college before she gets married. She's probably not thinking about in the near future terms at this point. While you on the other hand are probably a lot closer to being ready to be married. So even if things go great (which I don't think they will) you will probably end up having to wait for quite a while before she's ready to get married.

But my main problem with this is the maturity factor. If you already see that she can be pretty immature at times, engaging in a relationship is only going to show this aspect of her more.

 

[waxlion10]

What do you mean when you say her behavior is immature?

 

[Slider1]

Well, dude. I cannot describe how perfectly you just painted an exact picture of my situation a couple of months ago.
Although the age difference between me and the girl I like is only 5 years, I am 3 years younger than you, so its still a pretty big gap.

In regards to Issue #1, her 'immature behavior" what are we talking here? occasional "I act like an 18 year old because I am one and can get away with it teehee" or are we talking "uncontrollable-14-yr-old-baby-of-the-family-behaviors-i-got-away-with-everything-as-a-kid-and-intend-to-do-it-for-the-rest-of-my-life" ?

she is younger than you. Unless she is some super-mature-crazy-person, she will not act like a fellow 24 year old. As long as she is mature in her relationship with God, I'd try to overlook a few immature behaviors that you as an older guy will have grown out of. If she ends up liking you back and wants to pursue a relationship with you, I'd bet that the first thing she does is try to act more mature around you because you're older. And she will probably also try to drag you into doing immature things, to make you seem younger. This is just a shot in the dark, but what im looking at from my experience in a nearly identical situation. If I were you, I'd enjoy doing a few fun immature things again...(mall pranks...friday night goofing off, just generally being a dumb teenager...). Just do them with confidence, she'll think its hilarious, and like you more for not seeming to be the 'old guy' who hangs around alot...
I know guys who are in their late twenties, with a wife and kids who still do some of the dumbest, most immature 'guy things' I know...(burping contests, driving crazy, pranks, saying the word "poop" and then laughing), and I look up to these guys just because of their confidence in who they are.

I'd say that if you REALLY want to move on, and can't get over these immaturity things (which I'd say are not as terrible as you think they may be...she'll grow out of them right?)....you have to find another girl to like. focus your infatuations on somebody else. thats the only way i've been able to truly get rid of crushes in my experience.

Second thought for you: be careful with what you pray...asking God to find a Godly partner for her and simultaneously asking him to take your feelings for her away may be countering each other. Maybe God wants you to be together, and YOU are that Godly partner...Him taking your feelings away won't fix anything for either of you. However, if it is His will for you to be apart, pray that he would show you.

I really found romans helpful when I was struggling through the "are these feelings from you God?" where it says (I forget the exact reference but its a pretty common verse) "therefore be not conformed to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind that you might know God's will, His good, pleasing, and perfect will" ...wording might not be exact, I'm just going from memory here, but I do know the new living translation leapt off the page at me as the exact verse for me in this situation. basically I have to physically submit my body to God's will, and then He will show me His plans.


Next. You sound like you're a little bit shy, and like she is the outgoing one. Again, identical scenario. In the past 2 months, since coming to believe that this really is God's will for me to pursue this relationship (although not for a little while, and even then, very slowly, because of the age difference), I have had to realize that being tentative is the worst thing I can do. I am naturally an extremely analytical person, I think a situation through a million times before taking action, and I make sure all my I's are dotted and T's are crossed. In a relationship, this is suicide. You have to bite the bullet, become someone better, and leap into the unknown. I didn't say "be someone you're not" because this is also pretty dumb. that means, that when you decide to go for it, don't go halfway. Don't be tentative. Dont hem and haw your way through asking her if she possibly thinks she could ever like you like I did... (she did fortunately)....BE someone better. Learn how to be more bad*ss while still following Jesus with all your heart. Be in control of situations, and totally in over your head with your actions. Make all your decisions, conversations, and actions with confidence confidence confidence. If this is not you, do not fake confidence, because later when she finds out you are not confident, she will resent you portraying someone you are not. BECOME more confident. I wouldn't say "pray less, act more" but I might say "pray with certainty, act with even more certainty"

Don't neglect the basic safety nets tho...find out to make sure she doesn't like some other guy first, it'll make your risks un-neccessarily huge. Talk to her friends. Sure, they might blab, but as long as this won't kill it for you, its probably worth it.

just an idea: send her flowers or something like this secretly, she'll go nuts not knowing who it is (and her girl friends will probably know, and also be going nuts). You go to her girl friend that you trust the most (not that it will neccesarily make a difference...you may as well just go to the girl friend of hers that is the easiest to talk to) and tell her that you like her, and ask her if she likes another guy, and beg for secrecy.
Then what happens, she'll probably tell you the truth, because you've been honest about your feelings, and then you'll know. If its a yes, come out ASAP to the girl, and let her know that you like her (before her girl friend can tell her what you said). If the friend says "no", then just beg for secrecy, and she'll probably go tell anyway, but at least it may save you from some embarrassment, because the friend won't want her rep tarnished by you finding out that she told.

Look at what you've got to lose. What's the worst that could happen? See, its not that bad. The worst thing would be finding out that all this time, she liked you back, and you never did anything. As it is, you've deleted her off your virtual life and avoid her in public geez she probably thinks you can't stand her and doesn't show that she likes you because she's sure she'll be rejected.
Whats life without a few risks right? She sounds like an awesome girl. God loves to be sorta quiet on these things I've found...don't expect some sort of vision or huge revealation giving you a freebie answer. Good luck, God bless, Carp Diem!

 

[Slider1]

btw cloudstrife, feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more. I'd love to see how this progresses, hopefully you've found the girl for you

I came to CF with my dilemma a little while back, with the same reasons, (looking for christian advice apart from my christian friends who all know the two of us)...and I was thoroughly discouraged by alot of negative answers, and today, I'm very glad I didn't pay much attention to them.

Proverbs 11:14 says: For lack of guidance, a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure.

 

[cloudstrife007]

When I say sometimes immature, I mean it's on occasion. Silly acts such as talking with a british accent for the whole afternoon or pretending to pick her nose. It only bothers me because I'm not sure what the point of view is from her side.
What really draws me is her spiritual maturity in understanding and reading God's word and following His will. e.g. caring for her small group, deciding to not travel overseas with family because she knows all she'll do is spend money shopping and going out.

Well to be honest, I'm not in a situation to totally settle down. After studying a double degree and working for 18 months, I'm back studying at uni for another 4 years in another field (from commerce to health care). Anyhow, I believe Christians should only even think about dating if they are looking for a potential lifetime partner.

Yeah, I'm a shy person who likes to absolutely analyse everything and know as much as I can before I proceed. So it's quite the blessing from God that I came to know Jesus in the first place.
To me, it's not just something between me and her, but it will also be something between me, her, God, and our Christian friends. I'm reluctant to bite the bullet because I really value the relationships that exist in my church life and I'm scared of ruining or making those relationships awkward -- between me and her, and between me, her and our common friends. Sounds like I'm overanalysing things and won't end up doing anything EVER, but it's in my personality, something that I doubt that I can change overnight. I guess that if I want to resolve this issue, then I'll need to somehow find those safety nets.
I do thank you for the feedback.

 

[waxlion10]

Have you asked her about her "immature" behavior? If talking in a British accent or pretending to pick your nose is considered extremely immature, then geez, I must be one of the most immature people on the planet You say you don't understand her point of view (like, why she does it).

Why not just ask her? Get to know her a bit better? I'm a total GOOFBALL sometimes (especially when I'm on a sugar high), but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm immature, ya know?

Hope things work out for you guys.

 

[Slider1]

Ok, I'm all over my beating around the bush.

Do it.

Bite the Bullet.

Jump into the arena.

Do something that is "you" (if you can write, write her a poem, if you've got any money at all, buy her something nice, if you can bake, make her a cake, then use any leftover romanticness and cash you have to buy a rose, and approach her with any or all of the above) and tell her that you really really like her, and was wondering if she liked you back.

Let me set your cares at ease. Uni—no big deal. Long distance courtships are great. This means you can write each other letters. Nothing at all can beat a handwritten letter recieved in the mail. Nothing.
Several years before settling down? Not neccessarily. Although not technically the most PRACTICAL way, I know dozens of couples who have courted/dated/gotten married while still in university, even going to different universities, or one not going to uni at all...Trust me. where there are sparks, feelings, and emotions (a will)....There's a way.
I'd overlook the immaturity, it sounds to me like you are trying to talk yourself out of liking her, looking for every possible excuse. Trust me, you can do this. I talked myself out of liking this girl who I had incredibly huge feelings for, because I knew I had to. We were both too young at the time, and I knew it was not God's will for us to date (even though I would have loved to) so I literally talked myself out of it. I looked at ALL the negative sides of the equation, and convinced myself it would never work.
Ironically, the girl I like now, there are probably MORE things about her that I could weigh, and look at, and realize she's not perfect...however, because I feel that its God's will, I refuse to spend a lot of time focusing on any of these...if they need to be dealt with, God's time is perfect, and its not my time or place to confront her about these, or walk away from her because of them.
Do not talk yourself out of this. If God WARNS you not to, then stop, but until then, Go for it.
Have you spoken with your pastor? Of course, this could be difficult...but basic human honesty should not be dealt with lightly by a pastor. He should take you seriously and give you the best counsel he can. If you tell him you've had these feelings for a while for this girl, and don't know whether you should pursue any sort of relationship or not, let him give you his advice. (of course, this is difficult if she is his daughter, as in my case, but I still got through this stage ). If you ask for secrecy, im sure he won't tell anyone, and pastors have to deal with so much crap from people I'm sure he won't think any less of you for it. If you are sure he will, well, I'm very sorry, but he should realize that we are just humans...emotions are natural.

Anyway, I'm ranting again.

Go for it.

TELL HER YOU LIKE HER.

It is better to try, fail, and take months to pick yourself back up, than to never try, and regret the rest of your life.

 

[xDenax]

It sounds like she's silly and fun...not immature.

 

[Windmill]

Yeah come on and lighten up a bit.