Thief

[LiberatedChick]

Thief

Where you once were there's nothing
A dark and empty space
I used to think of you
Whilst tears rolled down my face

The tears having stopped flowing now
At least the ones from grief
I now despair as I am robbed
The victim of a thief

Nothing more to hold onto
Beside your picture in a frame
Whilst I'm sad because I can't remember
What you sounded like again

The sound of your voice and your laugh
They have all be lost
Taken by a cruel entity
That doesn't understand the cost

To me they were priceless
Along with your smile and the jokes you told
But they have all been stolen
By a thief so cruel and cold

I'd begun to think I was healing
That the grief was no more
But it's only because I've forgotton
The man who I was grieving for

Time is stealing from me
The memories I hold within
The image of your smiling face
The sound of you speaking

So I throw my hands to my eyes
As I feel so numb again
The ruthless thieves around me
Seem to like watching my pain

Cancer stole you from me
And weakened me with grief
So my memories could be taken away
By time the heartless thief

 

[LunaLee]

Well, I liked the idea of the thief being cancer, but you might want to cut out the "whilst"s. While would have sufficed, but that's just me There were parts in it I thought were clever, but also places that needed refining, like where the lines go longer than they should, etc. Aslo, I don't think "within" and "speaking" rhyme

 

[LiberatedChick]

I don't really care about the structure to be honest. It's the feeling behind it. I don't write for any other reason than to get my feelings onto paper so they're no longer jumbled up in my head. Also "whilst" is the same as "while" but "whilst" is used more in England which is where' I'm from.

 

[LunaLee]

Oh . . . okay, I was just saying what I thought might make it sound better. It's your poem, do what you want with it
And I know "while" is the same as "whilst", I'm just used to "while" I guess. It struck me funny that you would used "whilst", but I get it now.