There IS Hope

[Laurel Crowned]

A few weeks ago I walked out of my therapist's office for the last time. We both agreed that I had accomplished what I had set out to do seven years ago when I found out that I had Bipolar Disorder. I wanted mental wellness.

While my life may always be tumultuos, the way I handle the stressors in my life have changed. No longer is suicide my first thought when faced with seemingly insurmountable problems. I no longer think that my life lacks purpose or that I should end it. Honestly? I still don't know what my purpose in life... but until it is revealed to me, I am content to praise God every day for another day where my life was lived.

I'm on medications that work. I do not have the horrible side affects that I used to have at the beginning of my road to wellness. Since switching to a new medication and lowering my lithium... my memory is getting better and my mind is clearer. I still stumble over my words when I am under pressure... but I am generally about to cover it so that my students don't realize that the words from my mouth didn't match the words that I'd formed in my head and had planned to say.

I feel more calm than I've ever felt in my entire life... and that is a feeling I've NEVER experienced.

I felt crazy much of my adult life. I couldn't take my deep depressions. I was diagnosed with everything from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to issues relating to being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and a survivor of sexual abuse. None of those "diagnosis" changed the depths of my depressions.

When I became a Christian the depression persisted. I had people tell me that I was possessed by demons and needing a healing session. I've had other religious quakery shoved down my throat. I started to give up hope that I'd ever get better. The suicidal thoughts never left me, instead they had a religious guilt attached to them because I felt like I wasn't "surrendering everything to God."

The past 12 years have not been easy. Last year I was at my wits end. I felt like the only option I had was to kill myself. PRAISE God that he held on to me. I have had struggles since that time... but the depth of despair into which I'd fallen terrified me enough that I got help. Not just swallowing some prescribed meds every day. I started seeing somebody trained to help people like me... people with mental illnesses. I was desperate... and out of my desperation, God rescued me and drew me closer to him. He used this doctor to save my life.

Whether there is an element of spiritual warefare or not to what I've experinced is not the point. The point is that God saved me from the thoughts that urged me to kill myself.

I'm not sure how to express the other thoughts on my heart and in my mind... but I needed to say that THERE IS HOPE. Maybe there is someone who will read my words... someone who is in crisis and feels like God has abandoned them. Maybe you don't see anything but darkness and despair. I plead with you, DON'T GIVE UP on God or on your life. Life, no matter how bleak it may seem, is worth living.

Bipolar illness can be treated. It does not have to control your entire life. No mental illness does.

I may have bipolar all my life or God could chose to deliver me from it. Either way I will find strength in comfort in knowing that there is hope and it starts with hoping in the Lord.

 

[fireaboss]

Thanks Laurel.

 

[LostnFound]

Laurel, I am so happy to hear how good you sound! Thank you for your words of wisdom. You may, indeed, be a light of hope for others who are journeying this road of mental illness that we are on.

 

[mikeforjesus]

I dont understand whats the problem if u have this disorder it can be an advantage in many ways unless ur in the depressive or mixed phase... U ppl are more social and creative...
I still dont understand whether I have it or not but my dad hates that I keep searching if I have something.. im going to try and stop after BP disorder.
Is Bipolar one hour your very happy and the next very miserable in the SAME day?
without anything happening in between? coz I dont think I have it then and I dont get hallucinations often.

 

[Laurel Crowned]

Hi Mike,

For me, the problem was that when I was manic I did a lot of things that seemed perfectly ok and normal at the time... but then would hit me like a load of bricks when the mania passed. The remorse would set in. If I'd gone on shopping sprees... the bills had to be paid. I did a LOT of other things in the past that I would never have done if I wasn't manic at the time. I wasn't being treated for BP when I did these things. The depression that followed was extremely dark and extremely deep. Suicidal thoughts were my constant daily companions. I thought I was going crazy.

Under stress, my BP affects my ability to read and concentrate. I nearly dropped out of college because I was convinced that I was really stupid but had everybody fooled into thinking that I was smart. I couldn't comprehend anything I read... so I just stopped going to class or reading. I wasn't more social when I was manic. I was frantic and loose. Yes, I'm very intelligent and very creative... but what good would those things have been if I killed myself?

Can you be very happy and then very miserable in the SAME day? Yes. It's called "Rapid Cycling." At times, my moods have turned on a dime. Then I'll have periods where I'm just depressed. I haven't had any manic episodes since I went on my medication 7½ years ago. I do NOT miss the mania. My depression hasn't been so easy to get rid of or get under control... but it's a work in progress. Before I was on medication I was either UP or DOWN with nothing in between. Now, I am more balanced. My depressions are still deeper than I would like them to be but nowhere NEAR what they used to be like.

Mike... it doesn't matter what label you find to apply to what's going on with you. What matters is that you get help for whatever it is you are feeling. If you dad doesn't want you to keep searching to see if you have something... talk to a pastor at your church. Talking to somebody helps A LOT. Get people who care about you praying for you. Prayer has been the backbone to my treatment.

What exactly are you experiencing? You mentioned halluncinations. I've never had any and have never heard of them in association with BP. If your dad isn't supportive of you seeking answers, what about your mom? If you are still in school is there a school counselor you could talk to? If you are at uni there should be counseling services. If you want to talk in more detail, feel free to post more in this thread or PM me.

 

[LostnFound]

Laurel, I second everything you said. But...

Mike, Bipolar type I can come with psychotic-like symptoms. My son has them. When he was manic, he had some breif hallucinations, and heard voices. When he was manic, he would rage beyond all reason. He was unreachable until the mania passed...anywhere from about 20 minutes to a few hours. And he could cycle several times a day.

Have you checked out www.bpkids.org ? It's free to join, and could probably be a big help, as far as finding info.

 

[mikeforjesus]

Thanx for your posts but I never have hallucinations I might of had it once or twice.. but it was coz I was half awake and half asleep.
My dad says this coz he doesnt want be to be an excessive worrier.

Peace my sisters.