There aren't that many fish in the sea...

blackribbon · Jan 31, 2019

My point was just that you said EVERY man you have gone out with has expectations of sex before marriage. I found that when men found out I had this expectation, they might try to see how committed I was to it but overall they respected it and even protected me because of it. If this is the only kind of man you date, then you need to try to date a different kind of man...and maybe you would have better luck finding men who do recognize the value of this kind of commitment.

bèlla · Jan 31, 2019

timewerx said:
One thing that can be done is adopt a personality that would be unattractive or even intimidating to these guys.

That can be counterproductive. I opt to read books on brainwashing, mental bondage and cults instead.

bèlla · Jan 31, 2019

blackribbon said:
My point was just that you said EVERY man you have gone out with has expectations of sex before marriage. I found that when men found out I had this expectation, they might try to see how committed I was to it but overall they respected it and even protected me because of it. If this is the only kind of man you date, then you need to try to date a different kind of man...and maybe you would have better luck finding men who do recognize the value of this kind of commitment.

I always acknowledge my chastity and I've never been mistreated because of it. If anything it was the reverse. They valued me more because I didn't share myself with other men sexually. My desire to wait was an asset and not a problem.

ImAllLikeOkWaitWat · Jan 31, 2019

How would you describe the type of guys you keep going with? This trend is common among "bad boys". It may be a situation where you may have to compromise somewhere in the middle for this to work out for you, and I mean find someone manly enough for you but who respects your desires when it comes to sex. It's not too hard to get a feel for the type of guy you are with. And certain types are more agreeable than others. The bad boy types are not agreeable at all.

$pirit · Jan 31, 2019

ImAllLikeOkWaitWat said:
How would you describe the type of guys you keep going with? This trend is common among "bad boys". It may be a situation where you may have to compromise somewhere in the middle for this to work out for you, and I mean find someone manly enough for you but who respects your desires when it comes to sex. It's not too hard to get a feel for the type of guy you are with. And certain types are more agreeable than others. The bad boy types are not agreeable at all.

ImAllLikeOkWaitWat,

No one I know has ever said I have a thing for “bad boys.” I seem to attract men that appear a certain way at first. I was very much encouraged by my friends at church to go out with the youth pastor I met. He didn’t go to my church, but our church’s rented the same building. I was really taken aback by his request to stay at my place and his view on celibacy. He stopped talking to me when I refused to let him stay at my apartment. He asked more than once. Maybe it’s a generational thing as so many younger Christians are adopting secular lifestyles.

I think it really comes down to God’s timing. If he wants me to meet the person that values chastity, then he will. My negative experiences will help me to appreciate the right relationship even more than I would have.

exitstageright · Jan 31, 2019

$pirit said:
Well, I 100% blame my refusal to “put out” on why I have either had to turn guys down or they turned me down. And these are men IN and OUT of the church. I knew a guy that went to church every Sunday and was fornicating like crazy. He saw nothing wrong with it and was even confident that God wouldn’t allow him to get a woman pregnant out of wedlock until he met his true wife . One man I met who is a youth pastor, he claimed he believed in celibacy, but asked to sleepover at my apartment. Then asked to sleep in the same bed as me. I gave him a hard NO and he was literally confused as to why I had such a problem with it.

I am seriously starting to wonder if true god fearing men still exist. Like, I’ve seen it happen for friends and other people I know at church. But for some reason I continue to attract men that want nothing to do with God or only partially live for him.

I understand I’m not perfect and the right man won’t be either, but a courtship that violates celibacy is unacceptable.

Am I still blessed? Of course. God has been incredibly good to me. I’m just getting to the point where being single is becoming such a burden. I’ll be 29 this year which isn’t old but I’m not getting any younger either. I have separated myself from social media to avoid all relationship posts. I get so tired of people asking me why I am still single because they don’t understand that God requires purity. I’m talking about my friends who are not Christian. So to them it seems like I’m being too picky. Sometimes my prayers have been as simple as “God please send me a man that won’t ask for sex!”

Anyway, I avoid discussing my desire for relationships at church. I don’t ask people to pray with me because I often get very insensitive responses. I don’t think they’re intending to be that way, but that’s how it comes off. I have a couple friends who are Christian and single of different age groups and we discuss our frustrations with each other while also encouraging one another.

It’s ok to pour your heart out to the Lord. Hannah desired a child and was taughted by her husband’s first wife for not having one. She was deeply vexed in her spirit over it and expressed that to the Lord. It’s also good to comfort one another whether you’re in the same situation or not.

There are good Christian men who are willing to wait until marriage. My second wife and I waited until our wedding night. So,it can be done.
I have a male Christian friend, who is 55 years old.He said that he is still going to keep his vow to God thathe is going to wait until he gets married. He is a virgin.He has never been married, never had a girlfriend,and has never kissed anyone. So,how is that for purity? And, believe it of not,he was born, reared, and still lives in the San Francisco Bay Area in California!

$pirit · Jan 31, 2019

exitstageright said:
There are good Christian men who are willing to wait until marriage. My second wife and I waited until our wedding night. So,it can be done.
I have a male Christian friend, who is 55 years old.He said that he is still going to keep his vow to God thathe is going to wait until he gets married. He is a virgin.He has never been married, never had a girlfriend,and has never kissed anyone. So,how is that for purity? And, believe it of not,he was born, reared, and still lives in the San Francisco Bay Area in California!

Thanks. In my message you replied to, I said that I have seen pure relationships come about for some of my friends. I just haven’t come across it yet. I still plan to wait for it.

exitstageright · Jan 31, 2019

$pirit said:
I don’t know which men are like that until I go on at least a couple dates with them. So I’m not intentionally targeting those kinds of guys. You don’t know until you know. And what’s the excuse for church going men that expect it? Lots of people have to go through bad apples until they find the honorable one. Everyone isn’t blessed to meet a nice person on their first go round. I don’t think that’s shallow at all.

Well,as an optimist, you can look on the bright and the positive side. At least you are attracting men.

$pirit · Jan 31, 2019

exitstageright said:
Well,as an optimist, you can look on the bright and the positive side. At least you are attracting men.

Lol!

bèlla · Jan 31, 2019

exitstageright said:
I have a male Christian friend, who is 55 years old.He said that he is still going to keep his vow to God thathe is going to wait until he gets married. He is a virgin.He has never been married, never had a girlfriend,and has never kissed anyone. So,how is that for purity? And, believe it of not,he was born, reared, and still lives in the San Francisco Bay Area in California!

That's a beautiful testimony. And in CA? That's amazing!

exitstageright · Jan 31, 2019

LaBèlla said:
That's a beautiful testimony. And in CA? That's amazing!

Also,he is always complaining about how corrupt our political leaders are. When he does this,I tell him, "Well...M...why don't you run for public office? That way,they can never dig up any sexual scandal on you! Your campaign would not be tarnished."

bèlla · Jan 31, 2019

exitstageright said:
Also,he is always complaining about how corrupt our political leaders are. When he does this,I tell him, "Well...M...why don't you run for public office. That way,they can never dig up any sexual scandal on you! Your campaign would not be tarnished."

This is true but in SF they'd probably like him more if he was a little deviant. ;-)

I think you're right. He should run.

timewerx · Jan 31, 2019

$pirit said:
He stopped talking to me when I refused to let him stay at my apartment.

At least you're doing something right.

Sometimes, you simply need to keep on looking. The statistics on divorce clearly shows not many are lucky.

And the simple fact, the good guys are very likely to be married already!! It may take a lot before you find the right one. Just a little more patience and hard work!

S.O.J.I.A. · Feb 3, 2019

there are indeed plenty of fish in the sea...

ones worth catching, that's a different story.

bèlla · Feb 3, 2019

timewerx said:
And the simple fact, the good guys are very likely to be married already!!

I don't believe that's true. It depends on what you're looking for and the age range.

klutedavid · Feb 3, 2019

step_by_step said:
"Don't worry, there's plenty fish in the sea!"

Are there, though?

Ugh, I know that I'm barely 20 and therefore have so much of the world left to see and so many more people to meet. But finding good Christian men is seeming more and more like a dream than an attainable reality. I know that if God has someone picked out for me, he will bring us together. But it's just so discouraging to look around and see the men who call themselves Christians.

Christian is more like a label you put on your dating profile these days. No one seems to actually walk with Christ anymore.

Have you tried visiting other churches?

I have been to about ten or more and have met a lot of people over the years. Get out and about and you will meet someone.

timewerx · Feb 3, 2019

LaBèlla said:
I don't believe that's true. It depends on what you're looking for and the age range.

If all other things are considered - great personality / social skills, a good Christian, good looks, financially stable, below 40, etc

bèlla · Feb 3, 2019

timewerx said:
If all other things are considered - great personality / social skills, a good Christian, good looks, financially stable, below 40, etc

Define good Christian.
What does financially stable mean? Do you have a debt ceiling?

blackribbon · Feb 3, 2019

timewerx said:
If all other things are considered - great personality / social skills, a good Christian, good looks, financially stable, below 40, etc

Good looks is a personal opinion. Great personality isn't necessary to many people. Great social skills are not necessary a requirement to an introvert. Financially stable is again, a personal opinion...and easily changed...and being poor is likely to be stable. The importance is the ability to live within one's means. Plenty of the single population is over 40 and has no desire to date in the under 40 crowd. And as Bella points out...what defines "a good Christian"...because I have met many people who would define themselves that way and I wouldn't want to date them.

bèlla · Feb 3, 2019

This is how I do things.

1. Access your market value. Forgive the financial term but it fits. You need to have an honest assessment of your assets and liabilities. What is the other person taking on if they get involved with you. Good and bad? And what are you adding to their life through your presence? This isn't your ideal self. It's the real you you're assessing.

2. Can't and Won't. Define the things you'd have trouble accepting and those you won't accept under any circumstances. True deal breakers are no ways and I'd rather not is your maybe.

3. Faith factor. It isn't necessary to have an identical relationship with God. But you should consider what measure of connection you desire in your partner with some wiggle room. Denominational preferences should be addressed if applicable.

That's it. I look at the bones. I'm trying to gauge several things about the person. Namely, the impact they'll have on me and my calling. I'm looking for a complement and I'll make adjustments where needed to get it.

I prefer under 40. ;-)

There aren't that many fish in the sea...

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