I am a survivor of sexual abuse by my father. I have three younger sisters, but only the next oldest was unfortunate enough to have a similar fate for a time. My mom was physically abused and psychologically abused by him for 15 years, and all of us had to drink bottles of dish soap in front of him or get belted for not really doing anything at all. It was dysfunctional. His MO was to make us all so afraid that we wouldn't talk to each other. Seven years ago, my mom grew suspicious that my little sister was being molested, and her parents (who filed for custody of me when I was a baby because they walked in on him and are pastors and knew exactly what kind of psycho he was but my mom sided with him so the charges were dropped and he moved us 2000 miles away) came down and helped us move away once the divorce was finalized. I didn't know anything about my sister being hurt. I was oblivious and so angry that we had to move away from everything I had known. Anyways, on my own, I told my mom what had happened to me shortly after the move, and she took me and my sister to a place for survivors where you get examined as gently as possible and sit in a room with a double sided mirror being video taped as you tell your story. It was horrible, and the tape was sent to the police. For years the case was dismissed back in my father's state and he was a youth pastor, so everyone in the community sided with him and testified to his goodness-- basically my mom's parents, my mom, and my sister and i were evil and just wanted to hurt this "good" man. A month after us moving, he signed his parental rights away so that he wouldn't have to pay child support, and my mom placed a restraining order on him for harassing us with calls. That was the last time he contacted us.
My mom began healing, and we all went to counseling together. The fact that we were Christians was my family's saving grace, and we grew together even in the midst of the court problems and the stress of knowing he was walking free and able to hurt other children at any time. Two years ago, we had the final courtcase, and my sis and I had to testify in a room which he was in--staring at us. This would have been the 5th year since I had seen him, mind you. With me came my angel, Jay. I met him my junior year of high school, 4 years after moving up here. I knew he was different than any scum bag I had met. He asked to meet my family, and asked my mom if he could begin dating me our senior year. She felt in her spirit a total peace about him in my life, and consented. He is the most compassionate, sweet, romantic, spiritual companion. And to this day, I have never had flashbacks of any kind when he is with me. He strengthens me in my faith, and we are each others best friend. When he went to the courtcase, we were engaged and in college. Now we are married and finishing college. I love him, and our marriage is strong and healthy. Still, there are times when we are intimate that I momentarily feel nauseous or uncertain even though I completely trust him. Most disturbing of all, I see my dad in dreams from time to time, and I am so afraid. You see, he got off free with becoming a registered sex offender but that was it. He is still free to hurt other little girls, and that is why I'm not at peace. No matter how safe I feel and content in my marriage and life, that unrest pops up in my daily life.
There simply was no closure, and I don't understand why God didn't bring him to submission and repentance by allowing jail time or anything like that. My dad to this day swears he never touched any of us, so he is a liar and quite evil. What should I do besides just be still and know that God has a plan? I pray that my dreams don't pop up but then they do in horrific ways. Is the devil to blame for this? How can I block him out? I pray and read the word before I go to bed, and I still am plagued by them. Help would be amazing!
My mom began healing, and we all went to counseling together. The fact that we were Christians was my family's saving grace, and we grew together even in the midst of the court problems and the stress of knowing he was walking free and able to hurt other children at any time. Two years ago, we had the final courtcase, and my sis and I had to testify in a room which he was in--staring at us. This would have been the 5th year since I had seen him, mind you. With me came my angel, Jay. I met him my junior year of high school, 4 years after moving up here. I knew he was different than any scum bag I had met. He asked to meet my family, and asked my mom if he could begin dating me our senior year. She felt in her spirit a total peace about him in my life, and consented. He is the most compassionate, sweet, romantic, spiritual companion. And to this day, I have never had flashbacks of any kind when he is with me. He strengthens me in my faith, and we are each others best friend. When he went to the courtcase, we were engaged and in college. Now we are married and finishing college. I love him, and our marriage is strong and healthy. Still, there are times when we are intimate that I momentarily feel nauseous or uncertain even though I completely trust him. Most disturbing of all, I see my dad in dreams from time to time, and I am so afraid. You see, he got off free with becoming a registered sex offender but that was it. He is still free to hurt other little girls, and that is why I'm not at peace. No matter how safe I feel and content in my marriage and life, that unrest pops up in my daily life.
There simply was no closure, and I don't understand why God didn't bring him to submission and repentance by allowing jail time or anything like that. My dad to this day swears he never touched any of us, so he is a liar and quite evil. What should I do besides just be still and know that God has a plan? I pray that my dreams don't pop up but then they do in horrific ways. Is the devil to blame for this? How can I block him out? I pray and read the word before I go to bed, and I still am plagued by them. Help would be amazing!
