- Jun 19, 2005
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http://entertainment.news.com.au/story/0,10221,17641806-7484,00.html
and pretty hard to argue with ...
CAMERON ADAMS unleashes his verdict on the music that shoulda been burned.
WORST ALBUMS
1 Crazy Frog, Crazy Hits
THIS album perfectly captures everything that was so wrong, wrong, wrong with music in 2005. An annoying novelty mobile ringtone is turned into an annoying novelty single, designed purely to make money. Then, of course, comes the obligatory cash-in album without a skerrick of creativity - other people's songs, performed in lazy karaoke style, with hilarious frog noises over the top. In six months this will be as unloved as the Macarena album. Or the Las Ketchup album. Or Bec Cartwright's album.
2 Bratz Rock Angelz, Rock Angelz
THIS also exists for no other reason but to make big buckz. A bunch of sad, failed hackz make the music a band of plastic toys pretend to be playing. No, it's not Pussycat Dolls, it's the Bratz toys expanding their profit share by extending their merchandise line into CDs. It's kind of what the Gorillaz would be like if the brainz behind them had labobomiez.
3 Westlife, Face to Face
THIS isn't music, it's mass-marketing. Simon Cowell, the dark lord of pop, ruthlessly hunts for weepy, generic country songs that worked in the United States but not in Britain. Westlife do what they're told and cover them, minus any passion. Cowell gets his mentored acts on UK-TV hit The X Factor to sing them as well. Conflict of interest? Never. Cowell could very well be selling shoes or house insurance, it just happens to be music. Sorry, muzak. Sure, people buy Westlife CDs, but they also buy cigarettes and heroin. It doesn't make it right.
4 Il Divo, Ancora
SEE above. More Simon Cowell, more reason to be depressed about the nanna state of the charts (see also Amici Forever, Pat Buanne ...).
5 Jennifer Lopez, Rebirth
IT WAS as if the world finally woke from some horrible dream and realised "Hey, that Jennifer Lopez, she's not much of a singer, is she?" And she didn't learn from her previous album's odes to Ben Affleck and sang with her stick-insect hubby Marc Anthony. Pleasingly, this album died the kind of painful, gory death the animals she drapes around her body suffer when they're made into fur coats.
6 50 Cent, The Massacre
WAS Fiddy's first album a one-off? The Massacre sold plenty, but sucked. Dr Dre must have been having an off day; he needed to surgically implant some tunes. Oh, and in this case, you can judge an album by its foul cover.
7 Babyshambles, Down in Albion
COCAINE. Kate Moss. Crack. Heroin ... yes, there was plenty of drama behind the making of this album by professional junkie Pete Doherty with new band Babyshambles. So wasted was Pete no one bothered to tell him his voice sounded thinner than Kate Moss and his band seemed to be made up of rubbish buskers. Conclusive proof that South Park's Mr Mackey was right: drugs are bad, mmmmkkay?
8 The Black Eyed Peas, Monkey Business
ONCE upon a time, the Peas had credibility. Now they have songs called My Humps and make songs six-year-olds think are cool. Bring on the backlash in 2006.
9 Ricky Martin, Life
YOU can almost hear the record company board meeting: "OK, we need to relaunch Ricky. He hasn't had a hit since the Olsen Twins weren't legal. What's hip now? I know, let's make him go hip hop." The resulting "let's rope in anyone who's hot and hope for the best" album sounded ill-fitting and like several other aspects of Ricky's life, no one bought it.
10 Robbie Williams, Intensive Care
ADMITTEDLY it's more disappointing than terrible, and still has a handful of great Robbie moments (and lyrics). The main problem with this record is it's the sound of a record company too scared to tell their $80 million golden goose "That isn't good enough". And it's not.
OTHER STINKERS
Queen & Paul Rodgers Live, Return of the Champions
Hmmm ... something's missing. Oh, that's right, Freddie Mercury.
Dave Matthews Band, Weekend on the Rocks
Rambling triple live album that never seems to end. And that's just the guitar solo in the first song.
Santana, All That I Am
Once again the record company cynically rounds up singers to sell the old coot to different demographics, and he drops guitar riffs into every spare inch.
Celine Dion, On Ne Change Pas
Well, at least it was better than a new English Celine Dion album. See also the Corrs' Irish album.
David Hasselhoff, The Night Before Christmas
The sound of the joke wearing off, big time.
Daryl Somers, Songlines
There was a certain joy derived from hearing Daz jazz-up Kylie and Kermit, but probably not the kind he intended.
Geri Halliwell, Passion
At least Posh Spice realised she couldn't sing.
Daft Punk, Human After All
Was rush-recorded in a matter of days. Sounds like it.
Craig David, The Story Goes
The sound of a man who has officially lost his mojo. Stop going on about the ladiez. And lose that stupid beard.
Billy Corgan, Walking Shade
After this slab of whiny sludge that sold by the thimbleful suddenly that Smashing Pumpkins re-formation looks more and more likely.
WORST SINGLES
1 Cater 2U, Destiny's Child
THE snorefest tune was bad enough, but it was the odious lyrics that made this abomination the worst single of the year - and put women's liberation back 50 years. From independent women to passive doormats in two years, they sang "My life would be purposeless without you" then listed the things they'd do for their man when he got home from work, from removing his shoes and getting his slippers to running a bath. Then they promise to "keep my figure right ? " and note "when you come home late tap me on my shoulder, I'll roll over baby, I'm here to serve you." What year is this? This is the kind of song you'd imagine Sam Newman has on his iPod.
2 Lonely, Akon
AT LEAST the chipmunks were mildly amusing, not just ear-bleedingly annoying. And at least Shaggy had two hits. Akon needs to go back to jail for crimes against music: pronto.
3 My Humps, The Black Eyed Peas
THEIR descent into novelty band was sealed with freaky-faced Fergie encouraging pre-teen girls to sing "my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps." Nice.
4 The Crocodile Song, Schnappi
MADE the Wiggles look like Radiohead. Coming to a bargain bin near you any minute now, along with most of the year's zany novelty songs.
5 Popcorn, Crazy Frog
At LEAST other long-forgotten pocketmoney thieves like Pokemon, Tamagotchi and Furbies never assaulted the pop charts. The toad must die. Even Heather McCartney would turn a blind eye to this vermin being made into a purse.
6 Ooh Aah, Tamara Jaber
WHAT'S worse - inflicting lyrics like "Ooh aah I lost my bra, I left it in my boyfriend's car" on the public (well, those who listen to her boyfriend's radio show) or voluntarily sharing a bed with Kyle Sandilands? Sandilands (who financed this song along with his girlfriend's career) can't understand why people hated this song and thought people slagged it off to get at him. Not that you're not vile, Kyle, but to quote your favourite person in the world, this single is "pus".
7 Candy Shop, 50 Cent
THE ghetto Benny Hill lyrics ("I'll let you lick the lollypop") and single artwork were offensive enough, but so was the distinct lack of anything resembling a melody.
8 Ass Like That, Eminem
HOW can the man who made Stan serve up this offal? Will be pinpointed in years to come as the precise moment he lost it.
9 You Raise Me Up, Westlife
A NEW low, even for them. They make Enya sound like Metallica and must be stopped. Not so much a cover version as a suffocation.
10 Listen to Your Heart, DHT
NOT DDT, but just as noxious. With the 1980s now officially exhausted for crap dance covers the '90s are fair game. This Roxette ballad is given the generic Techno 101 backing, but someone forgot to speed up the snail-pace vocals to fit.
11 Ghetto Gospel, 2Pac/Elton John
IF 2Pac weren't already dead, this hideous marriage with an old Elton John song would finish him off.
12 Everywhere, Moustache
LOCAL dance cover of a Fleetwood Mac hit that somehow managed to sound even blander than the vanilla original. Naturally, FM radio loved it.
13 Trapped In the Closet, R. Kelly
A FIVE-part urban soap opera: Jerry Springer gone R&B. As unintentionally hilarious as watching Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes this year.
14 Why, DJ Sammy
THE Annie Lennox original is a tear-jerking, heartfelt, emotional ballad. With his poxy dance remake serial-offender DJ Sammy may as well have pooped in a box and posted it to Ms Lennox.
15 Can I Have It Like That, Pharrell
IN TV parlance, "jumping the shark" is the moment when a show starts to stink. Can I Have It Like That sees Pharrell mid-air and reeking like week-old seafood.
16 Shake it Off, Mariah Carey
HER comeback was so all-consuming she could release any old tuneless tosh and get it on the radio. Like this.
17 Photograph, Nickelback
THIS ode to the "good old days" reminded us of a time when sexist, Paddle Pop Lion-lookalikes weren't inflicting their sub-Bon Jovi rock dirges on the world.
18 equal: These Boots are Made For Walkin', Jessica Simpson
THE soft-porn video distracted from this pointless cover. Maybe this is why she got divorced.
18 equal: Switch, Will Smith
WE THOUGHT he'd given up music. At least when he sampled other people's songs they had decent tunes.
19 Oh, Ciara
MINIMAL R&B was a trend of the year - who needs to bother with pesky details like tunes, melodies ? This is the musical equivalent of an air biscuit.
20 It's a Beautiful Thing, Tammin
FOUR people produced her vocals - and she still had all the oomph of Minnie Mouse on helium. As a popstar she makes a great FHM model.
Video nasty: Worst Music Videos of 2005
THERE were some shocking videos this year, but the most alarming had a common theme: flesh. There was a pre-pregnancy Britney letting nearly everything hang out downstairs in Do Somethin'. More concerning than the fact her dental-floss hot pants made the world her gynaecologist was the fact she directed the video herself. 50 Cent's Candy Shop saw him drape himself in rented booty; and Tamara Jaber managed to wear her breasts as earmuffs in the Little Red Riding Hood gone feral clip for Hard for Me. Meanwhile, Australian fans are yet to see Mariah Carey's most Playboy-esque video, Got Your Number, in which she squeezes her chest-pillows into a yellow PVC dress. The Black Eyed Peas are serial makers of bad videos; as well as the rubbish gameshow concept of Don't Phunk With My Heart, they went for total T&A with the video for My Humps, which was as annoying as the song. But for soft porn masquerading as pop video (which still aired on G-rated kids music TV) no one could top Jessica Simpson. Her suggestive writhing in a bikini, dry humping a wet car and squeezing a sponge between her legs would make even Paris Hilton blush. And that's saying something.
and pretty hard to argue with ...
CAMERON ADAMS unleashes his verdict on the music that shoulda been burned.
WORST ALBUMS
1 Crazy Frog, Crazy Hits
THIS album perfectly captures everything that was so wrong, wrong, wrong with music in 2005. An annoying novelty mobile ringtone is turned into an annoying novelty single, designed purely to make money. Then, of course, comes the obligatory cash-in album without a skerrick of creativity - other people's songs, performed in lazy karaoke style, with hilarious frog noises over the top. In six months this will be as unloved as the Macarena album. Or the Las Ketchup album. Or Bec Cartwright's album.
2 Bratz Rock Angelz, Rock Angelz
THIS also exists for no other reason but to make big buckz. A bunch of sad, failed hackz make the music a band of plastic toys pretend to be playing. No, it's not Pussycat Dolls, it's the Bratz toys expanding their profit share by extending their merchandise line into CDs. It's kind of what the Gorillaz would be like if the brainz behind them had labobomiez.
3 Westlife, Face to Face
THIS isn't music, it's mass-marketing. Simon Cowell, the dark lord of pop, ruthlessly hunts for weepy, generic country songs that worked in the United States but not in Britain. Westlife do what they're told and cover them, minus any passion. Cowell gets his mentored acts on UK-TV hit The X Factor to sing them as well. Conflict of interest? Never. Cowell could very well be selling shoes or house insurance, it just happens to be music. Sorry, muzak. Sure, people buy Westlife CDs, but they also buy cigarettes and heroin. It doesn't make it right.
4 Il Divo, Ancora
SEE above. More Simon Cowell, more reason to be depressed about the nanna state of the charts (see also Amici Forever, Pat Buanne ...).
5 Jennifer Lopez, Rebirth
IT WAS as if the world finally woke from some horrible dream and realised "Hey, that Jennifer Lopez, she's not much of a singer, is she?" And she didn't learn from her previous album's odes to Ben Affleck and sang with her stick-insect hubby Marc Anthony. Pleasingly, this album died the kind of painful, gory death the animals she drapes around her body suffer when they're made into fur coats.
6 50 Cent, The Massacre
WAS Fiddy's first album a one-off? The Massacre sold plenty, but sucked. Dr Dre must have been having an off day; he needed to surgically implant some tunes. Oh, and in this case, you can judge an album by its foul cover.
7 Babyshambles, Down in Albion
COCAINE. Kate Moss. Crack. Heroin ... yes, there was plenty of drama behind the making of this album by professional junkie Pete Doherty with new band Babyshambles. So wasted was Pete no one bothered to tell him his voice sounded thinner than Kate Moss and his band seemed to be made up of rubbish buskers. Conclusive proof that South Park's Mr Mackey was right: drugs are bad, mmmmkkay?
8 The Black Eyed Peas, Monkey Business
ONCE upon a time, the Peas had credibility. Now they have songs called My Humps and make songs six-year-olds think are cool. Bring on the backlash in 2006.
9 Ricky Martin, Life
YOU can almost hear the record company board meeting: "OK, we need to relaunch Ricky. He hasn't had a hit since the Olsen Twins weren't legal. What's hip now? I know, let's make him go hip hop." The resulting "let's rope in anyone who's hot and hope for the best" album sounded ill-fitting and like several other aspects of Ricky's life, no one bought it.
10 Robbie Williams, Intensive Care
ADMITTEDLY it's more disappointing than terrible, and still has a handful of great Robbie moments (and lyrics). The main problem with this record is it's the sound of a record company too scared to tell their $80 million golden goose "That isn't good enough". And it's not.
OTHER STINKERS
Queen & Paul Rodgers Live, Return of the Champions
Hmmm ... something's missing. Oh, that's right, Freddie Mercury.
Dave Matthews Band, Weekend on the Rocks
Rambling triple live album that never seems to end. And that's just the guitar solo in the first song.
Santana, All That I Am
Once again the record company cynically rounds up singers to sell the old coot to different demographics, and he drops guitar riffs into every spare inch.
Celine Dion, On Ne Change Pas
Well, at least it was better than a new English Celine Dion album. See also the Corrs' Irish album.
David Hasselhoff, The Night Before Christmas
The sound of the joke wearing off, big time.
Daryl Somers, Songlines
There was a certain joy derived from hearing Daz jazz-up Kylie and Kermit, but probably not the kind he intended.
Geri Halliwell, Passion
At least Posh Spice realised she couldn't sing.
Daft Punk, Human After All
Was rush-recorded in a matter of days. Sounds like it.
Craig David, The Story Goes
The sound of a man who has officially lost his mojo. Stop going on about the ladiez. And lose that stupid beard.
Billy Corgan, Walking Shade
After this slab of whiny sludge that sold by the thimbleful suddenly that Smashing Pumpkins re-formation looks more and more likely.
WORST SINGLES
1 Cater 2U, Destiny's Child
THE snorefest tune was bad enough, but it was the odious lyrics that made this abomination the worst single of the year - and put women's liberation back 50 years. From independent women to passive doormats in two years, they sang "My life would be purposeless without you" then listed the things they'd do for their man when he got home from work, from removing his shoes and getting his slippers to running a bath. Then they promise to "keep my figure right ? " and note "when you come home late tap me on my shoulder, I'll roll over baby, I'm here to serve you." What year is this? This is the kind of song you'd imagine Sam Newman has on his iPod.
2 Lonely, Akon
AT LEAST the chipmunks were mildly amusing, not just ear-bleedingly annoying. And at least Shaggy had two hits. Akon needs to go back to jail for crimes against music: pronto.
3 My Humps, The Black Eyed Peas
THEIR descent into novelty band was sealed with freaky-faced Fergie encouraging pre-teen girls to sing "my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps." Nice.
4 The Crocodile Song, Schnappi
MADE the Wiggles look like Radiohead. Coming to a bargain bin near you any minute now, along with most of the year's zany novelty songs.
5 Popcorn, Crazy Frog
At LEAST other long-forgotten pocketmoney thieves like Pokemon, Tamagotchi and Furbies never assaulted the pop charts. The toad must die. Even Heather McCartney would turn a blind eye to this vermin being made into a purse.
6 Ooh Aah, Tamara Jaber
WHAT'S worse - inflicting lyrics like "Ooh aah I lost my bra, I left it in my boyfriend's car" on the public (well, those who listen to her boyfriend's radio show) or voluntarily sharing a bed with Kyle Sandilands? Sandilands (who financed this song along with his girlfriend's career) can't understand why people hated this song and thought people slagged it off to get at him. Not that you're not vile, Kyle, but to quote your favourite person in the world, this single is "pus".
7 Candy Shop, 50 Cent
THE ghetto Benny Hill lyrics ("I'll let you lick the lollypop") and single artwork were offensive enough, but so was the distinct lack of anything resembling a melody.
8 Ass Like That, Eminem
HOW can the man who made Stan serve up this offal? Will be pinpointed in years to come as the precise moment he lost it.
9 You Raise Me Up, Westlife
A NEW low, even for them. They make Enya sound like Metallica and must be stopped. Not so much a cover version as a suffocation.
10 Listen to Your Heart, DHT
NOT DDT, but just as noxious. With the 1980s now officially exhausted for crap dance covers the '90s are fair game. This Roxette ballad is given the generic Techno 101 backing, but someone forgot to speed up the snail-pace vocals to fit.
11 Ghetto Gospel, 2Pac/Elton John
IF 2Pac weren't already dead, this hideous marriage with an old Elton John song would finish him off.
12 Everywhere, Moustache
LOCAL dance cover of a Fleetwood Mac hit that somehow managed to sound even blander than the vanilla original. Naturally, FM radio loved it.
13 Trapped In the Closet, R. Kelly
A FIVE-part urban soap opera: Jerry Springer gone R&B. As unintentionally hilarious as watching Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes this year.
14 Why, DJ Sammy
THE Annie Lennox original is a tear-jerking, heartfelt, emotional ballad. With his poxy dance remake serial-offender DJ Sammy may as well have pooped in a box and posted it to Ms Lennox.
15 Can I Have It Like That, Pharrell
IN TV parlance, "jumping the shark" is the moment when a show starts to stink. Can I Have It Like That sees Pharrell mid-air and reeking like week-old seafood.
16 Shake it Off, Mariah Carey
HER comeback was so all-consuming she could release any old tuneless tosh and get it on the radio. Like this.
17 Photograph, Nickelback
THIS ode to the "good old days" reminded us of a time when sexist, Paddle Pop Lion-lookalikes weren't inflicting their sub-Bon Jovi rock dirges on the world.
18 equal: These Boots are Made For Walkin', Jessica Simpson
THE soft-porn video distracted from this pointless cover. Maybe this is why she got divorced.
18 equal: Switch, Will Smith
WE THOUGHT he'd given up music. At least when he sampled other people's songs they had decent tunes.
19 Oh, Ciara
MINIMAL R&B was a trend of the year - who needs to bother with pesky details like tunes, melodies ? This is the musical equivalent of an air biscuit.
20 It's a Beautiful Thing, Tammin
FOUR people produced her vocals - and she still had all the oomph of Minnie Mouse on helium. As a popstar she makes a great FHM model.
Video nasty: Worst Music Videos of 2005
THERE were some shocking videos this year, but the most alarming had a common theme: flesh. There was a pre-pregnancy Britney letting nearly everything hang out downstairs in Do Somethin'. More concerning than the fact her dental-floss hot pants made the world her gynaecologist was the fact she directed the video herself. 50 Cent's Candy Shop saw him drape himself in rented booty; and Tamara Jaber managed to wear her breasts as earmuffs in the Little Red Riding Hood gone feral clip for Hard for Me. Meanwhile, Australian fans are yet to see Mariah Carey's most Playboy-esque video, Got Your Number, in which she squeezes her chest-pillows into a yellow PVC dress. The Black Eyed Peas are serial makers of bad videos; as well as the rubbish gameshow concept of Don't Phunk With My Heart, they went for total T&A with the video for My Humps, which was as annoying as the song. But for soft porn masquerading as pop video (which still aired on G-rated kids music TV) no one could top Jessica Simpson. Her suggestive writhing in a bikini, dry humping a wet car and squeezing a sponge between her legs would make even Paris Hilton blush. And that's saying something.
