The thoughts don't feel wrong

[Lady Bug]

I don't know how to start this. The thoughts are all passive, no plans, no guts and thankfully my spirituality helps against it being active but the suicidal ideation is just too much today and it's absolutely impossible coping. I need to get back in my bed and not do anything, I literally cannot do anything else. I am scared, I am literally months behind in doing crucial life stuff and January was going to be the month where I recapture some of the lost opportunities that are still salvageable but something happened yesterday and it has destroyed me and the ideation is absolutely beyond debilitating. I'm afraid to tell anyone who asks me if I'm feeling any better from the day before, no I am not, I'm feeling worse. Yes people may give up on me because I'm as capable of being reached as a brick wall yet I don't want to lose them or you. I just need your presence even if you don't talk to me every second.

When I said that the thoughts don't feel wrong, I don't mean that they feel good; I just mean that I think it's logical to feel this way.

 

[Michie]

Praying for you LB. Mental illness is not easy. My husband’s sister is in hospital now. My sister thinks she is possessed. It’s horrible and you have my sympathy and prayers.

 

[Lady Bug]

Praying for you LB. Mental illness is not easy. My husband’s sister is in hospital now. My sister thinks she is possessed. It’s horrible and you have my sympathy and prayers.

I would imagine that possessed people don't know they're possessed, but who knows. At any rate I think it could be demonic. For the first time I know that if I had a certain means, I may not have been safe. It's so weird.

 

[joymercy]

Have the Holy Eucharist brought to you at home

It strengthens you to receive it and even if not feeling well, the breath of fresh air from isolation will lift you up

Some times, even the ministers or deacons will be chatty too and spend a few extra minutes talking

There will also be some prayers, so it can only be of assistance

 

[Lady Bug]

First of all, I have no doubt that the news I found out that led to these feelings plays a key role, and maybe it's the only culprit at this time, but is there a chance that my suicidal thoughts increased after starting to read "An Exorcist Tells His Story" by Father Gabriel Amorth? He talks a lot about demons in there. I don't see how I should be getting those thoughts because that book is Christ-centered.

 

[Michie]

First of all, I have no doubt that the news I found out that led to these feelings plays a key role, and maybe it's the only culprit at this time, but is there a chance that my suicidal thoughts increased after starting to read "An Exorcist Tells His Story" by Father Gabriel Amorth? He talks a lot about demons in there. I don't see how I should be getting those thoughts because that book is Christ-centered.

I think it’s your depression talking. There is no change as of yet with my sister in law at the hospital but she is doing the same. Speaking about being better off dead, etc. I hope you have a professional to talk to.

 

[Lady Bug]

I think it’s your depression talking. There is no change as of yet with my sister in law at the hospital but she is doing the same. Speaking about being better off dead, etc. I hope you have a professional to talk to.

I did contact my medical provider and told him that there is a possibility that I might have to come back to the meds again. There are a couple reasons why I don't want to do this (the meds) but I wanted to remain as a patient of him, because he's one of the few medical providers that acts like a human being toward his patients.

 

[Michie]

I did contact my medical provider and told him that there is a possibility that I might have to come back to the meds again. There are a couple reasons why I don't want to do this (the meds) but I wanted to remain as a patient of him, because he's one of the few medical providers that acts like a human being toward his patients.

Glad you contacted him. There is nothing wrong with being on medication to help you through these times. Even if it’s a lifetime thing. You should not feel less for it.

 

[Lady Bug]

Glad you contacted him. There is nothing wrong with being on medication to help you through these times. Even if it’s a lifetime thing. You should not feel less for it.

There are still a few things that still sway me away from going back on meds but I'll think about whether I want to say them right now. I think they're reasonable concerns, but who knows. However, sometimes I can see why people take them; sometimes the feelings are utterly horrifying. I mean, so horrifying that the only thing stopping you is the lack of means to end it, rather than your conscience.

 

[Michie]

There are still a few things that still sway me away from going back on meds but I'll think about whether I want to say them right now. I think they're reasonable concerns, but who knows. However, sometimes I can see why people take them; sometimes the feelings are utterly horrifying. I mean, so horrifying that the only thing stopping you is the lack of means to end it, rather than your conscience.

We are in full blown mental illness mode here with my sister and sister in law. It’s to the point they cannot reason. One is in the hospital, the other isn’t because she refuses. My advice is to seek out the help of your physician while you can. You can obviously reason and are not in full blown psychosis .. the only thing I can say is you have not seen nothing yet. You need to take this opportunity to try to get better and start living your life. You need to discern if these thoughts are coming from you or your illness. Your best bet is to seek out the help of your doctor. You know everyone in this forum is here to support you along with our prayers. Again, I’m praying for you.

 

[Lady Bug]

You need to discern if these thoughts are coming from you or your illness

Sorry if this sounds like a silly question but what would be the difference between "me" and "my illness"?

 

[Michie]

Your illness can take over your true self and personality. Your brain is not operating as it should. That affects you. It affects everything. How you perceive things, do things, etc. Anyway. I think you are doing pretty well at this point. Take advantage of it and seek the help you need to break out of this cycle and do the things you always said you always wanted to do and start experiencing life without the dysfunctional mindset and codependency of what others think. I know it’s difficult and it may sound harsh but I care enough to say what I think at this point. I’m looking at the reality of it all right now. I just do not want to see you get to that point. I would not wish it on anyone. It’s some really traumatic and exhausting business for everyone because it effects everyone.