My name is Nicholas Cid; I am 24yrs old and live in the same household as my family. In my early years as far as I can remember, when I was 4-5yrs old I was diagnosed with multiple mental Disorders. I always had a problem with my emotions; a lot of it was hatred and depression. most of the time my parents had to put a baby leash on me, because I use to run out in traffic and try to kill myself before the age of 5. On 1 or more occasions I use to cut myself with sharp objects too(I cut my face with a steak knife 1 time). I always feared rejection, but sometimes enjoyed the comfort of loneliness. I was diagnosed by psychiatrists at Columbia Hospital Pavilion. The Disorders I was diagnosed with were: Bi-Polar l, Mild Schizophrenic, Turrets Syndrome, and ADHD.
My childhood was good; I made it rough on myself. Usually in life you come across people who like to put other people down so that they can reach the top. I usually was the person people stepped on and my anger kept growing and growing. I never really did step up to people when I was younger. By the time I did I was in middle school. I tried to stick up for myself but kept getting beaten down. 1 day I just snapped and ended up in the pavilion again.
In high school and middle school I was falling into the wrong crowd, sure my faith was still alive in Christ I got baptized at an early age and it really didnt mean anything to me, I really didnt know who Christ was and what he really did for me.
I was always sinning and my sins kept building and building. The anger kept building as well and it never stopped. I kept following the wrong crowd and was addicted to playing video games and listening to evil/hate music. I was obsessed with women and their bodies. I lusted after everything impure. My life was falling apart and I couldnt see it. I was blinded by ignorance and self-righteousness. I should have tried harder in school but no matter how hard people tried telling me that what I did back then would make a huge difference in my future, I never did fully understand it until I made a mess of things.
I should have taken advantage of the time and wisdom they shared with me. I fell into the Gothic Crowd in high school and usually they get picked on by everyone including the preps. I got bullied by the majority of humanity even though there were some that tried to show me kindness I really didnt care because once you get picked on a lot you can hardly recognize kindness and every touch that you feel from another person is nothing but pure pain. When I was young I liked to touch people and hold people I liked hugs and kisses but as I grew the more I got bullied the more I didnt want to be touched.
During the last 2 years of high school I said that I wouldnt make friends with anyone except the school staff. I kept to myself and I wasnt bullied much anymore. I was alone because I kept to myself. I became quiet and just went to school to work and make sure I graduated so I could leave that prison. Public school is harsh.
I use to be on debating forums trying to spread the message of Christ and trying to prove evolution wrong and I wasnt fully informed well on how to debate properly and wasnt knowledgeable about how to prove evolution wrong and make people see God was real by giving them proof and after being questioned so much I began to question my own faith and fell away from God.
During my later years after high school I tried getting some college experience. I took a career class and I couldnt decide what I wanted to do. So I got my security license so I could get a job at gated communities and make good money. That didnt work out so I got employed by my brothers company that he worked for which was linen & things, the place was a joke and the job was a joke.
They gave me crappy pay so I gave them poor work. It was decent, but I wanted more. After working for the company for about 6 months they were getting bought out or it was crashing down, they were over 300 million in debt. During that time this company called WFM was looking to hire 500 people for their new store location right where me and my brother worked. I got the job and so did my brother. After a few months working with the company they came out with a program to help get people fit and healthy. I was with them for 4 years, thats until they fired me. Now I've been unemployed for 1 year and 2 months.
Back in school I use to read books on serial killers, over the years my obsession with these folk was getting deeper and deeper. I despised people for what they did to me a lot of the times in my life and I wanted revenge. I wanted justice but no one gave it to me so I felt as though I had to do it myself. I despised myself because people made me feel that way. When a person treats a person like dirt the victim thinks they are dirt. This is how I felt, but then there was a part of me that picked me up and told me I was better and should show these people I am better. I slowly moved up the chain with my obsession of murder and serial murder I decided to purchase books on rape before I was 18.
I cant tell you how many times I felt like bringing a gun to school so I could act out my revenge towards society and what they had done to me. They didnt care and they didnt even try to help me. I even purchased books on Torture Techniques so I could torture on my victims. When the WFM Company came out with the fit and healthy program I decided to get fit and train myself so I could get into a relationship. That didnt work, it never really did, not even when I was in school girls always rejected me and made fun of me, thus I grew to despise them. I was usually rejected a lot of the time in my life. So I decided to get fit and use my criminology and psychology training to become a serial killer or rapist like Ted Bundy. I actually idolized the man. He was like my hero.
I kid you not.. by the time I was done training I was in great health, very strong, and very good looking. I decided to pick out a hunting ground and it was a nature trail where I could surprise my victims and do what I wanted to my victims without interruption. I didnt succeed because God made sure no one would cross my path. I was very active, clean, and organized. After not succeeding for months I decided to try a new trade: mass murder. I was planning something big at 1st I thought about doing a shooting, but then I realized that wasnt wise because I wouldnt be remembered and I wouldnt be sending a big enough message of this is what you made me do, because you showed me no love! ONLY PAIN!.
So I decided to go bigger and wanted to try bomb making. I bragged on websites such as armageddononline.com about my plans and the FBI decided to start tailing me, they considered me a terrorist threat, but they wanted to see how far I would go. 1 night I was drinking a beer and posting on a dailystrength.com bi-polar forum about where was the woman that is suppose to help me? Where is the woman and why is she not coming to rescue me from my hell.
All my past life was about trying and searching for a woman to complete me and to make me whole to bring unconditional love into my life, something my family could not do. There was a hole in my heart that I wanted to be filled. I told the people on the forum how I felt at that moment. I told them that I felt abandoned and that I felt like killing my family and driving to wal-mart to commit mass-murder ending in a death by cop. The very next night the FBI came to my door step and asked me to step outside.
They had a lot of police officers outside and too many to count and many were hiding in bushes. The FBI wanted to take me away and told my family what I had done and my family did not reject me and did not let them take me away. I dont know why but my family said I meant no harm and told them they couldnt take me away and so I was left alone and promised the FBI I would change. I did change but not for the better. Instead of having anger and depression I was left with depression. I did the unthinkable.
I tried to starve myself to death because I felt like my life wasnt worth living and I wasnt worth anything. The feeling I felt inside could be described as completely dead. This was the lowest point in my life. This was my darkest hour and 1 night I felt so dead I spiritually dropped to my knees and repented of my sins to God and cried my heart out. That night I finally was able to sleep the best I had ever had in my whole entire life. I was grateful and I was alive again. God decided to work in me for the very 1st time he made me feel love and understanding. The love I was looking for was something no one could ever give me.
I was looking for unconditional love and he gave it to me. The lord rescued me from deaths grip and the hand of Lucifer that was tightly grasped around my throat. I could finally breathe once the Lord entered me. A lot of my life I had caused people and my loved ones pain, all because others made me feel pain. But not any more because no matter what people do to me, from the day the Lord saved me I will not show them anger because it is not in me anymore. I only have love and joy inside of me. The spirit of the Lord is in me.
I have made a life long vow of Chastity and Celibacy, which makes me a Eunuch for the sake of God's Kingdom. I have spoken with the Lord and I believe he has plans for me to goto Seminary School and become a Pastor over in Restricted and Hostile Nations. I don't know wither or not I'll being tortured and executed over there, but as long as the Lord is with me.. I am Happy.
My childhood was good; I made it rough on myself. Usually in life you come across people who like to put other people down so that they can reach the top. I usually was the person people stepped on and my anger kept growing and growing. I never really did step up to people when I was younger. By the time I did I was in middle school. I tried to stick up for myself but kept getting beaten down. 1 day I just snapped and ended up in the pavilion again.
In high school and middle school I was falling into the wrong crowd, sure my faith was still alive in Christ I got baptized at an early age and it really didnt mean anything to me, I really didnt know who Christ was and what he really did for me.
I was always sinning and my sins kept building and building. The anger kept building as well and it never stopped. I kept following the wrong crowd and was addicted to playing video games and listening to evil/hate music. I was obsessed with women and their bodies. I lusted after everything impure. My life was falling apart and I couldnt see it. I was blinded by ignorance and self-righteousness. I should have tried harder in school but no matter how hard people tried telling me that what I did back then would make a huge difference in my future, I never did fully understand it until I made a mess of things.
I should have taken advantage of the time and wisdom they shared with me. I fell into the Gothic Crowd in high school and usually they get picked on by everyone including the preps. I got bullied by the majority of humanity even though there were some that tried to show me kindness I really didnt care because once you get picked on a lot you can hardly recognize kindness and every touch that you feel from another person is nothing but pure pain. When I was young I liked to touch people and hold people I liked hugs and kisses but as I grew the more I got bullied the more I didnt want to be touched.
During the last 2 years of high school I said that I wouldnt make friends with anyone except the school staff. I kept to myself and I wasnt bullied much anymore. I was alone because I kept to myself. I became quiet and just went to school to work and make sure I graduated so I could leave that prison. Public school is harsh.
I use to be on debating forums trying to spread the message of Christ and trying to prove evolution wrong and I wasnt fully informed well on how to debate properly and wasnt knowledgeable about how to prove evolution wrong and make people see God was real by giving them proof and after being questioned so much I began to question my own faith and fell away from God.
During my later years after high school I tried getting some college experience. I took a career class and I couldnt decide what I wanted to do. So I got my security license so I could get a job at gated communities and make good money. That didnt work out so I got employed by my brothers company that he worked for which was linen & things, the place was a joke and the job was a joke.
They gave me crappy pay so I gave them poor work. It was decent, but I wanted more. After working for the company for about 6 months they were getting bought out or it was crashing down, they were over 300 million in debt. During that time this company called WFM was looking to hire 500 people for their new store location right where me and my brother worked. I got the job and so did my brother. After a few months working with the company they came out with a program to help get people fit and healthy. I was with them for 4 years, thats until they fired me. Now I've been unemployed for 1 year and 2 months.
Back in school I use to read books on serial killers, over the years my obsession with these folk was getting deeper and deeper. I despised people for what they did to me a lot of the times in my life and I wanted revenge. I wanted justice but no one gave it to me so I felt as though I had to do it myself. I despised myself because people made me feel that way. When a person treats a person like dirt the victim thinks they are dirt. This is how I felt, but then there was a part of me that picked me up and told me I was better and should show these people I am better. I slowly moved up the chain with my obsession of murder and serial murder I decided to purchase books on rape before I was 18.
I cant tell you how many times I felt like bringing a gun to school so I could act out my revenge towards society and what they had done to me. They didnt care and they didnt even try to help me. I even purchased books on Torture Techniques so I could torture on my victims. When the WFM Company came out with the fit and healthy program I decided to get fit and train myself so I could get into a relationship. That didnt work, it never really did, not even when I was in school girls always rejected me and made fun of me, thus I grew to despise them. I was usually rejected a lot of the time in my life. So I decided to get fit and use my criminology and psychology training to become a serial killer or rapist like Ted Bundy. I actually idolized the man. He was like my hero.
I kid you not.. by the time I was done training I was in great health, very strong, and very good looking. I decided to pick out a hunting ground and it was a nature trail where I could surprise my victims and do what I wanted to my victims without interruption. I didnt succeed because God made sure no one would cross my path. I was very active, clean, and organized. After not succeeding for months I decided to try a new trade: mass murder. I was planning something big at 1st I thought about doing a shooting, but then I realized that wasnt wise because I wouldnt be remembered and I wouldnt be sending a big enough message of this is what you made me do, because you showed me no love! ONLY PAIN!.
So I decided to go bigger and wanted to try bomb making. I bragged on websites such as armageddononline.com about my plans and the FBI decided to start tailing me, they considered me a terrorist threat, but they wanted to see how far I would go. 1 night I was drinking a beer and posting on a dailystrength.com bi-polar forum about where was the woman that is suppose to help me? Where is the woman and why is she not coming to rescue me from my hell.
All my past life was about trying and searching for a woman to complete me and to make me whole to bring unconditional love into my life, something my family could not do. There was a hole in my heart that I wanted to be filled. I told the people on the forum how I felt at that moment. I told them that I felt abandoned and that I felt like killing my family and driving to wal-mart to commit mass-murder ending in a death by cop. The very next night the FBI came to my door step and asked me to step outside.
They had a lot of police officers outside and too many to count and many were hiding in bushes. The FBI wanted to take me away and told my family what I had done and my family did not reject me and did not let them take me away. I dont know why but my family said I meant no harm and told them they couldnt take me away and so I was left alone and promised the FBI I would change. I did change but not for the better. Instead of having anger and depression I was left with depression. I did the unthinkable.
I tried to starve myself to death because I felt like my life wasnt worth living and I wasnt worth anything. The feeling I felt inside could be described as completely dead. This was the lowest point in my life. This was my darkest hour and 1 night I felt so dead I spiritually dropped to my knees and repented of my sins to God and cried my heart out. That night I finally was able to sleep the best I had ever had in my whole entire life. I was grateful and I was alive again. God decided to work in me for the very 1st time he made me feel love and understanding. The love I was looking for was something no one could ever give me.
I was looking for unconditional love and he gave it to me. The lord rescued me from deaths grip and the hand of Lucifer that was tightly grasped around my throat. I could finally breathe once the Lord entered me. A lot of my life I had caused people and my loved ones pain, all because others made me feel pain. But not any more because no matter what people do to me, from the day the Lord saved me I will not show them anger because it is not in me anymore. I only have love and joy inside of me. The spirit of the Lord is in me.
I have made a life long vow of Chastity and Celibacy, which makes me a Eunuch for the sake of God's Kingdom. I have spoken with the Lord and I believe he has plans for me to goto Seminary School and become a Pastor over in Restricted and Hostile Nations. I don't know wither or not I'll being tortured and executed over there, but as long as the Lord is with me.. I am Happy.
