- May 12, 2020
- 11
- 11
- 27
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Baptist
- Marital Status
- Single
So about a year ago I decided to rededicate my life to the LORD. Things were great, and I felt such freedom after being tormented by mental images of hellfire. Up to that point I’d been living life believing salvation was just showing up to church and having the LORD’s supper. I was so wrong.
I started reading the Bible every day, and one day I believe I came across a troubling verse, I believe it was Matthew 7:21, and I thought I’d better get my act together, and it became just that; an act. I began doing all the good things a Christian should do so God wouldn’t punish me, not knowing that it was sowing a seed of works-based salvation in my heart. I often wondered (and worried) about why I felt no joy, and I sunk deeper and deeper into self-condemnation, and I became fearful (and still am) of the last day.
Around December, I began reading articles and whatnot, after coming across more scary verses like the one with Esau (among the other verses in Hebrews), worldly and godly sorrow, veiled/hardened hearts, and, of course, the unpardonable sin. I despaired greatly, and each day I sunk deeper and deeper into depression.
Some time towards the end of Winter I started seeing a Christian counselor (which I’d highly recommend), and he suggested that I focus too much on myself, and I find my self preservation as more important that bringing glory to God, or trusting that the blood of Jesus is greater than my sins. I am currently undiagnosed, but I’ve tested highly in the categories of OCD, anxiety, and depression.
Romans 14 in particular had driven me down this legalistic path, and at one point I started having doubts about eating food period, and thought that if I ever eat again, I’ll be condemned. Lately I’ve been emerging from that mindset, and it’s a violent struggle to no immediately apologize for every little thing I do or think, but by God’s Grace there’s been great product.
The general consensus about the unforgivable sin and a hardened heart is that those who experience either don’t care whether or not they’re saved. I’ve heard it from so many people, that I’ve just come to accept it. I also struggled with seeing the mark of the beast everywhere (like when I play Phase 10 and my set of 3 is three 6’s, or when I’m stocking groceries at Wal-Mart and the number on the bar code ends in the mark), but a trusted mentor related it to this story about when his son got a new car, and he noticed that there were a lot of the cars of the same model on the road. He told me that he doesn’t think I was seeing those numbers any more than I used to before having doubts about my salvation.
I’m still trying to find out what it truly means to have godly sorrow, and I pray for it every day. I’m also still confused about the whole thing with Esau, but I’ve generally accepted that it’s not the case with me.
At this point, my main struggle is suppressing the OCD compulsions/thoughts, trying to identify and put away the legalism in my life, and trusting in Christ alone, and that He loves me and has forgiven me, and that there’s nothing I can do in my own strength to be saved. I’d appreciate prayers as I continue to find the way back, and I’ll continue to pray for the other brothers and sisters on this forum that are in this struggle. I just want to reassure you that you’re not alone, your situation may seem unique because every human mind is different, but I think it all shares the same source. I hope and pray that we’ll all come to trust in God’s grace. I’ll list some songs and a sermon by Charles Spurgeon that have helped me below.
Consolation for the Despairing
Times by Tenth Avenue North
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
You are More by Tenth Avenue North
Come as You Are by David Crowder
Welcome Home by Dutton
I started reading the Bible every day, and one day I believe I came across a troubling verse, I believe it was Matthew 7:21, and I thought I’d better get my act together, and it became just that; an act. I began doing all the good things a Christian should do so God wouldn’t punish me, not knowing that it was sowing a seed of works-based salvation in my heart. I often wondered (and worried) about why I felt no joy, and I sunk deeper and deeper into self-condemnation, and I became fearful (and still am) of the last day.
Around December, I began reading articles and whatnot, after coming across more scary verses like the one with Esau (among the other verses in Hebrews), worldly and godly sorrow, veiled/hardened hearts, and, of course, the unpardonable sin. I despaired greatly, and each day I sunk deeper and deeper into depression.
Some time towards the end of Winter I started seeing a Christian counselor (which I’d highly recommend), and he suggested that I focus too much on myself, and I find my self preservation as more important that bringing glory to God, or trusting that the blood of Jesus is greater than my sins. I am currently undiagnosed, but I’ve tested highly in the categories of OCD, anxiety, and depression.
Romans 14 in particular had driven me down this legalistic path, and at one point I started having doubts about eating food period, and thought that if I ever eat again, I’ll be condemned. Lately I’ve been emerging from that mindset, and it’s a violent struggle to no immediately apologize for every little thing I do or think, but by God’s Grace there’s been great product.
The general consensus about the unforgivable sin and a hardened heart is that those who experience either don’t care whether or not they’re saved. I’ve heard it from so many people, that I’ve just come to accept it. I also struggled with seeing the mark of the beast everywhere (like when I play Phase 10 and my set of 3 is three 6’s, or when I’m stocking groceries at Wal-Mart and the number on the bar code ends in the mark), but a trusted mentor related it to this story about when his son got a new car, and he noticed that there were a lot of the cars of the same model on the road. He told me that he doesn’t think I was seeing those numbers any more than I used to before having doubts about my salvation.
I’m still trying to find out what it truly means to have godly sorrow, and I pray for it every day. I’m also still confused about the whole thing with Esau, but I’ve generally accepted that it’s not the case with me.
At this point, my main struggle is suppressing the OCD compulsions/thoughts, trying to identify and put away the legalism in my life, and trusting in Christ alone, and that He loves me and has forgiven me, and that there’s nothing I can do in my own strength to be saved. I’d appreciate prayers as I continue to find the way back, and I’ll continue to pray for the other brothers and sisters on this forum that are in this struggle. I just want to reassure you that you’re not alone, your situation may seem unique because every human mind is different, but I think it all shares the same source. I hope and pray that we’ll all come to trust in God’s grace. I’ll list some songs and a sermon by Charles Spurgeon that have helped me below.
Consolation for the Despairing
Times by Tenth Avenue North
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North
You are More by Tenth Avenue North
Come as You Are by David Crowder
Welcome Home by Dutton