The Scrupulosity Series: Episode 1, OCD and Me Pt. 3

[Nicole Roberson]

There are many times when I sit there...just being really hard on myself. I ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why do I make things difficult on myself? Why do I let myself go through the same thing when God gives me the ability to rise up? The years I've spent focused on stupid things that don't matter, like what other people think. Then I worry about myself being more focused on those things, how I look to people, my self-image, social situations, and then I just feel ashamed. I think about how I've often missed out on what God's calling me to for my purpose, how to help others and I just feel really low like, this is not the life God wants for me, and I'm choosing to feel bad like that's all I know how to feel. I've called myself a loser and an idiot, for the way I've fought with my family, the way I've been so immature, so annoying, so selfish, even told myself no one will ever love me (date me)...I tell God how sorry I am over and over, and realize that's not how God sees me. That's not how He wants me to talk about myself.

I really just feel bad, and then I feel bad for feeling bad, worrying about not really being sorry about things but just feeling sorry for myself, and then I think that I'm not allowed to ever feel sad, one thing after another...

Even when I pray, I get thoughts saying I'm not really being sincere about things, or that I'm hiding something from God. Even when I'm laid out as much as I honestly could before God, then there's the thought, "No! You're still being deceitful."

I really struggle to calm down, because there's always something. Like I said, my mind is so easily convinced of something if it makes sense, even if they actually don't, and so I make myself miserable with irrational thoughts. Like I get the thought that somehow just me asking people for advice is me trusting in other things over God, and then I feel condemned, thinking that I shouldn't be asking anyone for help. Or I'm paranoid because of how we're in the last days and there's false teachers, even in churches. Thoughts come up, oh so is everyone around me deceived? Am I deceived? Are all the people I trust in my personal life actually deceived and the stuff I read on the internet is all right? So I don't listen to anything that anyone says? Am I just trying to hear what I want to hear? (like in scripture about people with itching hears) And I just become so upset...(I know a lot of this sounds crazy).

I really struggle to discern my true conscience apart from OCD because OCD will try to convince me this is all my conscience and if I don't obey it then I'm going against my conscience and everything will be sin...I drive myself crazy. One of my pastors told me that I need to let God restore me to simplicity because I'm putting way too much onto myself, that I need to let God 'prune' things for me...then I'm paranoid that I'm underthinking things and just being lazy. Then I'm overthinking, where do I let God and where am I to put my foot forward myself? I'm talking about putting things in practice, the Word, my faith...

I'm also tripping up on vows as of late. Because I look at how the Word says we're not to make vows that we don't keep. And I think of all the vows I've made before, including one that my recently but really didn't mean to because a lot was me going through the motions and shouldn't have said any of those things to God, swearing to not do this or that again...but my mind has changed about some things and my concern is not keeping a vow, and if it's still then sin...even though I didn't mean to make a vow. It's so hard...and I get so scared, about my mind and my heart, about so much.

I'm just so tired, emotionally and spiritually. I'm like when's my breakthrough? I don't want to give up. I know I never want a life without God, nor will I ever choose the world over God. I'm just so tired of myself.

That's all for now.

 

[Tolworth John]

I really struggle to discern my true conscience apart from OCD because OCD will try to convince me this is all my conscience and if I don't obey it then I'm going against my conscience and everything will be sin

Part of the problem with having ocd is the intrusive thoughts telling to do things or that you are not good enough to be a Christian.

Please look up and read, 25 tips for successfully treating your ocd.

It will help you, along with your taking your medication cope with life.
Yes you will need to talk about your problems, the article and your intrusive thoughts with your doctor.
Medication will calm your thoughts down while you learn to deal with the intrusive thoughts.

Basically all you do is acknowledge these thoughts and move on.