- Jan 18, 2019
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I go off on a tangent a lot. You can say a lot of my thinking is black and white and so that's why I take things the wrong way a lot...and have tendency to make everything about me, think the scriptures are in someway referring to something about me even when they may have nothing to do with me because I forget about the context of the time and culture of the people being spoken to in some of these scriptures. I struggle to even get through church services because my thoughts go boom about something that a pastor is likely not even talking about. And again, I'm listening to the message and service and my mind tries to find a way to think that everything as about me and my problems and then I just feel condemned. Like today, one of the senior pastors was talking about the last days, "repent now., without Christ you have nothing, I don't want any of you to go to hell" And bam! I freak out and just get a million thoughts about everything I'm doing being a sin and that I'm not saved.
I've often stood there, amongst the crowd, crying, and people look over at me wondering why I'm upset, including my mom. I go home, go through crying and praying in shower, and then go to bed crying myself to sleep at times, not exaggerating. I've often woken up feeling immediately uneasy, thoughts sort of swarming, you know? About every little thing. I walk my dog with my brother and have my morning prayer, and there were times that I was in tears about something the day before or just a combination of everything in my life. I trip up so badly.
I've become more focused on stuff than I really meant to...and it's not that I've ever meant to be so worked up over what I can or can't do, can or can't have...I struggle to find a balance in life really, because I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing, or not listening to God, or resisting Him, or going off on my own wisdom, or being misled by something, anything, and it's become obsessive. I read articles online and my mind takes little things to feel like they somehow confirm these problems I have, even if they might not even be talking about what I think they're talking about.
I ruined my mind with the internet. Here I thought that researching stuff would help me because I need clarity to the context of scriptures, or what goes under a context. I ended up filling my head with so many different views, opinions, scripture commentaries that my mind's gone in overdrive, and OCD tries to convince me that God is speaking through this, that, this or that...and I just lose it thinking what if these people are right? Or these people? I made the worst choice trying to take on other people's opinions onto my conscience. So what I didn't have a problem with before, I suddenly have a problem with now, and I get really introspective about it...really going off of hypotheticals and what-ifs. What if this is me? What if this is what I'm doing? What if God is revealing something to me? What if I'm ignoring it? What if this means I'm this? What if...you get the picture.
I worry about so much, what's coming from me or not, or my flesh, or at times having no idea where things are coming from. Being afraid of getting caught in worldly things, intrusive thoughts about sexual things and violence against people, which still carries on. While I definitely don't involve myself with the same things as I did in junior high or high school, I'm still picking though things and asking God to lead me away from what's not for me, and I trip up over that. I trip up over trying to hear Him, is voice, and I try way too hard. I overspiritualize, and that's one of my main problems when it comes to trying to understand and apply the Word to my life. I overspiritualize a lot of things to be God or something God's telling me and I just end up overwhelmed.
Like I said, my mind goes on the extreme end of things. Even reading little Christian Instagram posts I take one little quote to the extreme thinking it means this, this, or that, that it's a sign from God, and I get way too worked up about it. I struggle to let the Word settle in my heart. Like at many times I'm reading it either gives me comfort or it doesn't because I'm so buried under condemning thoughts. I worry about being just a hearer of the Word and not a doer too.
Continue to The Scrupulosity Series: Episode 1, OCD and Me Pt. 3
I've often stood there, amongst the crowd, crying, and people look over at me wondering why I'm upset, including my mom. I go home, go through crying and praying in shower, and then go to bed crying myself to sleep at times, not exaggerating. I've often woken up feeling immediately uneasy, thoughts sort of swarming, you know? About every little thing. I walk my dog with my brother and have my morning prayer, and there were times that I was in tears about something the day before or just a combination of everything in my life. I trip up so badly.
I've become more focused on stuff than I really meant to...and it's not that I've ever meant to be so worked up over what I can or can't do, can or can't have...I struggle to find a balance in life really, because I'm so afraid of doing the wrong thing, or not listening to God, or resisting Him, or going off on my own wisdom, or being misled by something, anything, and it's become obsessive. I read articles online and my mind takes little things to feel like they somehow confirm these problems I have, even if they might not even be talking about what I think they're talking about.
I ruined my mind with the internet. Here I thought that researching stuff would help me because I need clarity to the context of scriptures, or what goes under a context. I ended up filling my head with so many different views, opinions, scripture commentaries that my mind's gone in overdrive, and OCD tries to convince me that God is speaking through this, that, this or that...and I just lose it thinking what if these people are right? Or these people? I made the worst choice trying to take on other people's opinions onto my conscience. So what I didn't have a problem with before, I suddenly have a problem with now, and I get really introspective about it...really going off of hypotheticals and what-ifs. What if this is me? What if this is what I'm doing? What if God is revealing something to me? What if I'm ignoring it? What if this means I'm this? What if...you get the picture.
I worry about so much, what's coming from me or not, or my flesh, or at times having no idea where things are coming from. Being afraid of getting caught in worldly things, intrusive thoughts about sexual things and violence against people, which still carries on. While I definitely don't involve myself with the same things as I did in junior high or high school, I'm still picking though things and asking God to lead me away from what's not for me, and I trip up over that. I trip up over trying to hear Him, is voice, and I try way too hard. I overspiritualize, and that's one of my main problems when it comes to trying to understand and apply the Word to my life. I overspiritualize a lot of things to be God or something God's telling me and I just end up overwhelmed.
Like I said, my mind goes on the extreme end of things. Even reading little Christian Instagram posts I take one little quote to the extreme thinking it means this, this, or that, that it's a sign from God, and I get way too worked up about it. I struggle to let the Word settle in my heart. Like at many times I'm reading it either gives me comfort or it doesn't because I'm so buried under condemning thoughts. I worry about being just a hearer of the Word and not a doer too.
Continue to The Scrupulosity Series: Episode 1, OCD and Me Pt. 3
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