The Purity Talk

[Meggsydoll]

Hey guys,

was just wondering about the preparation that you do before having a purity talking with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Currently dating a lovely Christian guy for 10 months. He has helped and encouraged my growth with Christ, and we are quite close. We are both in this relationship to see if it will lead to marriage and if it is God's will for us to be married.

He suggested that after we reach the one year mark, we should have a talk about our pasts which I agree is a good idea. The thing is, I'm a little terrified.

I'm very nervous about how he will feel about what I have to tell him, but I'm also nervous about hearing what he has to tell me. I've been praying to God to prepare my heart for anything he has to tell me and for his to do the same. I want to be able to accept anything he has to tell me, but also prepare my heart in case what I have to tell him is too hard for him to accept.

I've noticed that in courting books, chapters are dedicated to explaining how to avoid pre-marital sex but very few spend more than a few paragraphs on purity talks and even then they don't divulge much detail at all. So I was wondering if you have had purity talks, when in the relationship you had the talk, and how you prepared for and handled it.

Looking forward to your replies~!

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

One year, I'd think, is way too long to let this stuff drag out. That is a year of emotional investment established without knowing some of the most important things there is to know about your guy. STD status, for one.

Personally, I can't imagine investing more than 2 months in a relationship without having this sort of discussion.

 

[mina]

You have dated someone for 10 months without discussing your pasts? That's the kind of thing that should be discussed early on. I agree with BranwenUerchLlyr that you have both invested emotionally and timewise into the relationship for a while and discussing things like this now will be harder; especially if someone objects or is uncomfortable with , or can't get past what is told.....

My b/f and I discussed our pasts very early on. Honesty and being able to talk about anything is really important to me if I'm going to proceed in a long term relationship.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I also can't believe you went more than a year without discussing it. I believe it is a pretty important deal to talk about.

 

[Meggsydoll]

He hasn't been in a relationship before and I've only had one relationship (we didn't have sex) so I'm not worried about STDs. The reason we didn't discuss it previously is because it would be embarrassing to discuss something as personal when you are still getting to know each other only to break up later and have someone who is not your husband know such things about you. Most of my Christian friends have waited at least 10 months till discussing those kind of things so I thought it was pretty normal.

Regardless of when we choose to have this talk, this thread is supposed to be about how people have prepared themselves for such conversations.

 

[mina]

What do you mean by "the purity talk"? Does it mean telling about each others past? talking about steps to be pure together? I've never heard of something put quite that way- "the purity talk". It's sounds like you both don't have much of a past from what you have shared so I don't see why it would be that awkward or embarrassing. My boyfriend and I didn't really "prepare" ; the topic just came up and I'm not in the habit of discussing things of that nature with just anyone; so I can see how it could be embarrassing, but I also felt that I could trust him and talk with him about anything. I basically think it's about trust: either you trust him or you don't. Neither of us had anything embarrassing to confess and neither of us have sorrid pasts. We both had similar upbringings and were taught similar things and are living similar things so it made us closer to be so open and honest with each other. It does make you vunerable ; but there is no escaping that when there is love involved.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Your first mistake is probably basing your relationships on these silly courting books that people put out. Honestly, these people who write these books no nothing more than the average person about what to do in a relationship and base their "facts" on their own opinions... thus, you end up in situations like this. Where normal people usually have no issues in this area, you now feel backed up against a wall because you listened to someones advice that they use to sell a book with no knowledge of how successful their advice is.

That being said, I wouldn't wait for some one year mark. What's the point, really? You should just sit down and talk about it like normal people.

 

[iambren]

Sorry, but I am 100% down on having ANY such purity talk. Where does it say biblically or what possibly could be gained by such a talk? What is in your past LEAVE it in your past; it really can have potenial to hurt a lot and help little.

NOW, if you've had sex in the past and had a baby--yes, that needs to be discussed. If you have a medical condition from past sexual sins--that must be discussed. If you were molested and believe it will be difficult to have an ongoing sex life--YES, that needs to be discussed.

But divulging details of former loves--Yuck! Don't feel it's wise to celibrate those forgiven sins in the present. Good luck.

 

[Luther073082]

Sorry, but I am 100% down on having ANY such purity talk. Where does it say biblically or what possibly could be gained by such a talk? What is in your past LEAVE it in your past; it really can have potenial to hurt a lot and help little.

NOW, if you've had sex in the past and had a baby--yes, that needs to be discussed. If you have a medical condition from past sexual sins--that must be discussed. If you were molested and believe it will be difficult to have an ongoing sex life--YES, that needs to be discussed.

But divulging details of former loves--Yuck! Don't feel it's wise to celibrate those forgiven sins in the present. Good luck.

I compair marriage to buying a car in this respect. When you buy a car you want to know that car's history. . . Are they brand new off the line with no history? Then great! But most of us by the time we are of marriageable age are not brand new off the line, so I totally disagree with you here. I know my wife's past relationships and she knows mine.

Being open about them isn't a way of celibrating them.

Personally I think 10 months is way too long to not talk about eachother's past relationships. Do you know what my wife and I where by 10 months time?? Engaged! Now we moved a little quicker then many and where likely a bit older then you. But still, I don't care if you are 16 or 46, 10 months is way too long to be with someone and be in the dark about their past.

And I also agree, stop trying to base your dating life off of any book that wasn't written by God himself.

 

[dayhiker]

I agree with other, that if your going to talk about this then 10-12 months is too long.
As to share or not to share ... its what every the holy Spirit leads you guys to do.

personally I like to know .. at my age, I'd not be interested in a virgin. I'd want someone who had some experience, maybe even a lot of experience. No reason to be embarrassed about it in my mind. Sex is part of life.

Now to have such a talk if you both want to have it. 1st as you are praying I'd want to be lead by the Holy Spirit. I think it would be good to keep it very general. Maybe pick a topic like masturbation and both share on that topic. Wait a day or two and then have a talk about how you both feel about that issue before going on to talk about other topics. If its causing either emotional stress don't talk about more topics till you both know how to deal with that one 1st.

let us know how it goes. Personally it's never bothered me what she did before. but I know a couple of women have been upset knowing some of what I did before.
dayhiker

 

[iambren]

"I've noticed that in courting books, chapters are dedicated to explaining how to avoid pre-marital sex but very few spend more than a few paragraphs on purity talks and even then they don't divulge much detail at all. "

That's probably because they don't see the wisdom in having such a talk. You are not ONE before the marriage, you are after marrying. At THAT point you are open to YOUR life together, not airing the dirty laundry of the past. Other than this being voyeuristic I don't see it as redemptive at all!

 

[dayhiker]

Clearly, there is no command in the Bible that one has to spill the beans before one gets married. I've meet a number of believers that feel that past is under the blood, died with Christ and so no reason to try and bring it back. I'm cool with that.

I've also meet and personally known people that the Holy Spirit asked them to share things about their past with their spouse. Then I'd say it is redemptive. As its always good to obey the leading of the Holy Spirit.

So it can go both ways as far as I'm concern.

dayhiker

 

[gzt]

"Purity talk"? I really dislike that word.

Okay. I don't think you should get into deep detail about your romantic pasts (ie, don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to), but you should know a vague shape of the history (ie, dated many women casually, had a couple long-term relationships, frequented prostitutes for a couple years, whatever), whether you've had sex, whether you've had sex with a lot of people (no numbers, but vague magnitude is significant from a public health perspective), how long it's been since you've had sex (and timing in relation to religious involvement). That sounds like a lot, but it's a few sentences. And porn, current and past usage, whether attempting to quit (if applicable). Important thing: don't judge, remember that people change and that God forgives or that even "pure" people can be self-righteous hypocrites.

One thing you don't want either of you do is go on and on in great detail about your past relationships and, if you did anything, the sort of things you did. There's really not much to be gained talking to somebody in depth about somebody else you've dated, perhaps for a couple years, who you loved or going on and on about how you had sex with somebody.

 

[Melethiel]

I agree with gzt. I also think you should stop reading "courting books" - the advice in them is bull.

I also dislike the term "purity talk", and am not exactly sure what you mean by it. If you mean simply a talk about your past, then, at least in my fiance's and my case, we had the talk 5 months into our relationship, and it only took that long because he was nervous about how I would react. A year is definitely way too long if the relationship is serious - this is stuff that should be aired early, but not in too much detail either.

 

[E.C.]

I really hate buzzwords like "purity talk" and "courting books". They just take the joy out of life and make it so sterile and rigid.


Its called communication. Every relationship needs it to survive. I must also agree with gzt in that knowing "a vague shape" is a good idea. In my case, I was friends with my girlfriend for quite a while before we got together, so we had that vague idea of each others past and that really is all we've needed to know in that regard.

Do what you will, but remember: don't ask the question if you don't want the answer.