The Perfect Disciple

[Eclipse12217]

First I want to start off by telling every single reader that I love them. Only 1% of the entire population can understand what I am going through. And if you believe in Jesus Christ, there will be a day where there is no more schizophrenia. But we will have new glorified bodies and will no more remember the pain and suffering that we went through. If you don't believe in Jesus Christ, we are also your family. At least we can suffer together. Here is my story/question.

My symptoms started when I was in the United States Navy. All I did was eat, work out and sit down at work and look up spiritual doctrines (3rd eye, spiritual bodies and what not.) I wanted to be a Body Builder or a Navy SEAL. So that's all I have ever trained for. Since I was big on metaphysical things because i always had and remembered very vivid dreams. I always thought.... What was the point of life? How did we get here? Are we more than physical beings? In this time period I started reading articles from which also talks about UFO's, conspiracy's,Spiritual things and what not. It was also a place where I can talk to people that experience the same exact thing as I did, but with explanation. I had OOBE's, premonitions, deja vu ( The whole works.) But what alarmed me is when I started seeing faces or shapes in objects or any type of material. I ignored that. The biggest thing that happen to me is when I seen God. It was like something happen to my brain and all i seen was colors and lightening. I thought I was special. I ended up becoming a christian since i was raised catholic. I pretty much gave my life to God and stopped clubbing, masturbating and things like that. I ended up having some type of vision of some guy in church doing evil in spiritual realms. So i confronted him in reality and threatened him by saying that I will burn him, if I caught him doing that. This made me leave the military early, since they had enough of my troubles and problems. Once I left the military, I ended up with God again. During a personal training school I went to, I started having more episodes. I thought people will steal my energy, copy my breathing and people where following me. I was in a bad state. but even though these were the worst time of my life, I got closer to God. I didn't know I was schizophrenic at all, I thought I had special abilities which only came through me doing spiritual arts such as mediation and what not, like other people in the world. I had many delusions such as me being the only person in the world and everyone else being fake. UFO"s, Satan following me in human bodies and etc. So all i would do is work out, pray, fast and do what the bible told me such as share faith, do good deeds and what not. I did that to the very extreme and it became my life. I ended up reading the Bible all the time as well, going to church and help people study the bible. I thought every christian wasn't as good as I was. I became the Perfect Disciple. Meaning I was the best in the world. My First question is..... Do you think or believe that was the schizophrenia speaking? Even better then the ones in the Bible. I ended up going to a church and more episodes started happening. I thought I was a profit and have the gift of prophecy. I thought God spoke to me through signs and dreams, and i was tormented by everything I did and all the places I went( Even my own place to live). Because I thought the devil and demons were after me. I ended up falling in love with who I believed was my wife which I thought God showed and told me that it was his will to be done. And ever one tried to stop it from happening the best way possible. To make a long story short, they wanted me to see someone at a hospital after telling me not to come back to church. I had more delusions such as God was going to take me to heaven, that i was the devil and I had to burn my self a live and etc. I went to the hospital for one month and that's when the told me I had schizophrenia. I didn't care at all, all I cared is that I lost the love of my life which I thought was God's will. I ended back in the same church, but I couldn't be around the same people who I fellowship with including the love of my life. They wanted me on medications in order to attend the church, but I wanted to see If I can live a life without medicine first before I start taking something for the rest of my life. So I left the church. And started a new life. Which for one year on and off I had the worst time of my life through things I can not explain. I ended up sinning against God. I went back to my old life style. Such as masturbation, happy end massages( Now I am worried that I have a sexual disease even though I used a condom) *and not being as " Spiritual as before". I know God forgives me, but here is the problem. What bothers me is not that I have sinned and sinned against God. But I am not the perfect Disciple anymore. Know I have regret, condemnation and thoughts all day long which brings me down to depression or quilt that I am not great anymore. All i wanted to be is happy, love and in joy/peace again. I tried so hard to restore everything I have ( Mind, female, house, church,money, my physical body " which I end up out of shape for the first time of my life due to medication, poor diet and not working out ". I lost family, now my spiritual perfection). There was many times where I believed that I wasn't sick or had schizophrenia but ended up believing that everything I experienced was true. Now everyday I can not help it but look at the mistakes I have done, and look down on myself. But I believe in my heart it was the schizophrenia which caused everything. There are times where anything bothers me, that I have to think about everything, and sometimes even though I believe it's not true, that there are spiritual forces causing certain things. It's like my brain tells me something, but now I can look at it and say "that's not true". But my mind and body ( Emotions) tell me otherwise. I am shocked because I can not explain how my brain can do some of the things that It has done. Such as me seeing vampires, spiritual beings and have my 3rd eye open. I thought I can read minds, communicate telepathically, and see angels. It is a mystery. Can someone help me out, how can I let go of being none perfect, or looking into the passed or being lost by thought? Is this the illness doing this? Have you experience this before? And do you think it is my fault that I sinned at this time in my life? Because I was aware of what I was doing, I made the choice. But my thinking and mindset was not there. It's like I fight my brain and emotions even on the silly things. I cant move on. It's like if it's not one thing, it's the other. And that I have to fix it in my mind and brain to be at peace. What's crazy is, i miss the old days when I didn't know I was sick, feeling that I was the best person in the world. It's like, the worst days in my life became the best days in my life as I enjoy looking at it in memory. Now I have this memory of sin which I have done which tries to ruin my joy, love and peace. I experienced this before once I realized that most of the things I experience was made up by my mind and I didn't have special powers. I felt like superman with out superman's powers. A average ordinary person. I hate now that the people who I categorized in a box for having sexual immorally behaviors, I am know one of them. I am not currently on medicine and I am defiantly not planning on going back. I believe I can do this naturally through working out and maybe God. But right now I am struggling because I am thinking of having sexual encounters with some woman in school. Which will stain my conscience that much more. Can someone please help me out?

 

[generalbreadbasket]

Thanks for sharing your story and reaching, Eclipse. Sounds like you've got a lot you're contending with. I know it's tempting to go off meds so you feel special in a delusion (I understand what you mean about being the only person in the world and the other people being fake or projections, I thought I was Adam at one point, looking for Eve), but the thing is the behavior that results from being off meds affects other people, and that's not acting in love for others, to be uncomfortably blunt. Being obedient to God can mean submitting to a medication for us schizophrenics, and that is often painful but it can teach patience and perseverance. It took quite a while for me to accept that, speaking personally.

Do you have many people you can talk about these things with, Eclipse? Someone close, a christian who can walk alongside you?

I pray that you make a breakthrough.

 

[La vérité]

Well for one thing, the world is still in a bit of a mess. Many of the religious folk of today simply worship God and that's about it. They think that if they JUST worship God then that's all it takes to get a trip into heaven.

They just keep on being sinful. They just keep on focusing upon themselves while 10 million children ages 5 and under have been dying per year for quite some time.

They do nothing but pray for the children, at best, thus they dump the burden upon Christ's shoulders such that it costs them absolutely nothing, thus they do so such that they can still buy that third flat screen Hd TV, that second or third car, that bigger house, etc.

The Satan character loves these people.

However, those whom are good at heart are not on his list of approval.

With this being the case, many become his victims.

When this occurs, the victims are defined as being mentally disturbed people.

The fake religious people think that the Satan character belongs in hell forever. Yet they do not seem to think that he does anything bad to those of this world. Thus if he does do such things, the fake religious people say things such as "God works in mysterious ways.", rather than saying that the Satan character is up to no good once again.

Religion is accepted in this world. Yet being targeted by an evil Satan character is said to be nothing but something that is ALL in your mind, all in your head.

This is a case of one sidedness. One sidedness is a case of insanity.
Perhaps a mere handful of people these days may be considered to be actual victims of Satan.
This therefore implies that the ratio between good and evil is roughly 7.2 Billion to 5 or so.

That reduces the magnitude of evil down to damn near nothing.

Yet again, the fake religious folk say that the Satan character belongs in hell forever even though according to them he doesn't do much to the people of this world.

It seems as though a significant portion of their minds is missing. According to the Bible, the ratio between good and evil is definitely NOT roughly 7.2 Billion to 5 or so.


So not to forget....
When you speak to God, it is called religion and you are surrounded by the loving arms of the religious context.

And not to forget..
When Satan targets you, it now jumps into the field of science and it is said the be a delusion, an hallucination.

 

[EGordo]

I cosign generalbreadbasket. I used to do astral projection and wanted powers. I was getting dangerously close to doing something irreversible to my spiritual body through meditation. I thought I could heal myself without medication. As soon as I stopped the meds I became possessed.
Now take a look at this parable Jesus spoke in which I learned about the meaning in bible study:
Matthew 12
43When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. 44Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. 45Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.

This has more than one meaning. It could mean that you are trying to cleanse yourself without God's help. God's help includes medicine. He can heal you through His power, but His power is not for show, only for edifying.
It's also talking about a real spiritual problem. I almost died 3 times from schizophrenia. Each time I thought I got better, without turning to God, I would end up almost dead again. That happened 3 times. The third time I was possessed.(Possession is biblical). The third time I was also practicing meditation that I thought could heal my of my schizophrenia but instead opened me up for possession and made me think I had powers. Well after the Lord helped me survive the third time. I finally gave my life to Him and I have been well off ever since. I take my meds every day and will continue to do that. I'm not going to test God again.

If found that being normal and in your right mind is a gift from God! Peace is a gift! The spiritual world is actually full of wicked beings and we are protected from them by God. Satan is only allowed to do what he does because God allows it. He allows Satan to work as punishment but God wants us all to be free from Satan's works. Satan is a pawn. You can read about that in Isaiah.

Now, this perfect disciple thing sounds a lot like self-righteousness. You should take comfort in knowing that the only perfect man was Christ. Now He does ask you to be:
Matthew 5:48
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

You cannot know what that means without learning about God through His Word. Being perfect does not mean becoming an island by yourself and exalting yourself above others.
It means humbling yourself and following the will of God.
His will is that we:
John 13:34
A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

Besides Christ, we have all done this:
Romans 3:23
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Which is even more reason to humble yourself.

1 John 1:7
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

You've come this far for a reason. Now lets keep going TOGETHER as the body of Christ.
If you need prayer any time just let us know.

 

[sjmc1993]

When God breaks a person down, he does it so that he can put them back together in a more beautiful way.

This is because the more a person is stripped down, the more of his core character is revealed, and that is when God can do the most to your character, and he can mold you into what you were meant to be.

So listen to the voice of God.

Remember: 2 Cor 12:9- My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
Jer 30- Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing. There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you. Why do you cry out over your wound, your pain that has no cure? For I will restore you to health, and heal your wounds, declares the Lord.
Ps 51- The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit.
God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart.

I tried to heal myself without medication as well, but it only resulted in psychosis and suffering. God broke me down and forced me to take medication, which started my therapy and resulted in a recovery.