Faith has always been a struggle for me, ephraim, for reasons I've listed in previous posts. Here's an example of why it's been difficult ... when a Christian around me does something I consider strange - speaking in tongues/gibberish or experiencing the gift of 'holy laughter', for example - I ask them why they did that. 'I feel the spirit' or something similar is the usual answer. I confess not understanding, and the inevitable response is 'If you had ever felt the spirit, you would understand!' Surely you can understand why this was difficult for me; if every other believer in my life can feel the presence of God, and I cannot, am I really a believer? I've followed his teaching, I've loved him with all my heart, mind, and soul, sought a relationship with him fervently, and I've experienced the good he can work through me... but I cannot feel his presence. Ever.
MY DEAR BROTHER,
i am wondering what you expect to "feel." i have personally never experienced any of the phenomena you mention above, and yet there is no doubt in my mind that i have experienced God--in the way He chose to manifest Himself to
ME.
As Paul points out,
"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise." (II Corinthians 10:12)
i read above your personal experiences with God, to wit:
"I've followed his teaching, I've loved him with all my heart, mind, and soul, sought a relationship with him fervently, and I've experienced the good he can work through me..." and i thought, hey, that's a pretty cool testamony! And then you add
"but I cannot feel his presence. Ever." and i'm wondering, what in the heck are you looking for? What are you seeking--thrills and chills in payment for service rendered?
i would suggest that you might take some time to re-evaluate exactly what is is that you want/expect from God. In the process, you might benefit from reading
COME, BE MY LIGHT which is a collection of letters from Mother Teresa, primarily to her Spiritual guides, which describe her relationship with God during the greater part of her glorious ministry. Her experience was much like your own, but instead of bemoaning the fact that God did not manifest Himself to her tangibly in what Catholics call "consolations," she kept her focus on her Lord and not His gifts, and the quality, quantity, and joyfulness of her service to God remains a testimony to us all. With the faith of the great Saint that she is, she served her Lord selflessly right up until the end, glorying in His Love for her, even though that Love was not palpable to her physical senses. Another germane read would be St. John of the Cross'
THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL which describes much the same thing--a prolonged testing of faith which has been the common experience of many--perhaps the majority--of the great Christians over the years--Protestant, Catholic, and Orthodox alike.
You are, my brother, in good company! Get back to basics and run your race to the best of your ability, assured that the ultimate goal is to be found in Abba's arms at the end of the track!
ABBA'S BRAT,
ephraim