The Love Dare

[Sizz]

Hello, I’m Glen and I’m struggling

I’ve been with my wife 21 years & roughly 7 years ago sinned and allowed infidelity into my life for a brief period. I then begin to cope with alcohol heavily up until this past July 4th, sober since. These past 7 years I’ve asked for forgiveness from the lord and my wife & thought thing were going well after I quit drinking in July. A month ago she tells me she’s no longer in love with me and it’s been several years, she’s still hurt and cannot forget the infidelity and the compounding drinking where I wasn’t there enough for her or my 2 youngest . She said she don’t want a husband in her life, fell out of love and don’t know if she can love again and wants space. She’s setup an appt to see a divorce lawyer early January .

I’m shattered, lost, confused, so heartbroken , she’s my soulmate, I’ve completely turned my lifestyle around and want to sacrifice my needs for hers, going to therapy, have turned hard in prayer with God every day for guidance (which I should have done more often), my therapist has me reading Love to Dare, which is a fantastic book.

She won’t go to counseling with me and has cold shouldered me hard.

Has anyone been through this and recovered?! Anyone else read that book & been in this situation, I feel I’m too late with the hook because I cannot do all these dares, she wants me to eat her be and have space. I’m going to finish the book I’m half way thru , maybe leave her a copy and hope she reads it. Is it to late, can I earn my wife’s love back? She’s my world and it’s disappearing.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I have no experience with your situation. I have been through a divorce but my circumstances were wholly different and I was unsaved at the time.

One of the biggest problems with infidelity is the destruction of trust in the marriage.

A lot of lies were told, and that would be crushing to the foundation of trust that any marriage is built upon.

I have never read the book but it looks like a book to bring couples closer together, and your not a couple.

I would look for ways to rebuild trust, and that takes a long time.

At this point, the future is in your wife's hand mainly - it's all going to depend on what she will allow.

You might talk to her about your willingness to work on rebuilding a foundation of trust from any distance she would like.

You can legally separate - separate financially etc, determine an alimony and child custody etc

(I know someone, a woman, who did this and she paid alimony because she had the highest income and he had the children so they didn't have to change schools)

But legally you are still married. In the above situation the couple got back together after many years of separation and appear to be doing well now as a married couple living together again.

If your wife's truly not wanting to remarry then you could suggest a legal and financial separation so you can work on the marriage at her own pace and from the distance she is comfortable with.

It sounds like a possibility for you? You could give that a try as well as seeing about older books that discusses rebuilding trust during marital separation.

I just did a Google search and found this (I have not read it) but something like this would be more helpful to you:

Unfaithful

While in the midst of confusion and the personal anguish of infidelity in a marriage, there is something couples need to know--there is hope; marriages can heal; the authors of this book are living proof. More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver confessed to his wife, Mona, about a three-year...

books.google.com

And some practical advice, if she's already talking to a lawyer then you need to get a lawyer right now. Tomorrow is Monday get an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

You need a shark who understands what you would like (i.e. a legal separation rather than a divorce).

You need to go and get a lawyer tomorrow. It's an imperative. Tell him everything she has said and done, as well as your confession of infidelity, (in some states it matters).

 

[timf]

Has she been to Alanon? Most people tend to think that divorce is almost a required step. However, she might be open to putting an actual divorce off until some unspecified future date. She has been hurt deep and long. This is made worse with feeling of betrayal.

The person closest to her and most able to help her would be you. However, that door may be closed for now. She needs to overcome her hurt. There is a danger that a root of bitterness could grow and ruin the rest of her life. The opportunity exists for her to move past this but it requires a degree of spiritual maturity that most Christians never achieve. Is there anyone who is a Christian that she respects or could reach her such as an older woman in your church?

 

[bèlla]

Look for this book on Amazon. I read it several years ago and it's very good.

Summary

God tells us to love our enemies. But what about loving and honoring a husband who chooses to walk away from his family, setting up residence in a prison of addiction' Seldom is there a faith with the tenacity that the author displayed during her twenty-two years of praying, enduring tremendous trials and sorrow.

“I will honor my vow, no matter what,” were words spoken by this young bride, believing in the promise of new life and vows spoken. The “no matter what” took this family on such a seemingly discouraging journey that even Christian family and friends believed restoration was impossible. Joy learned to place her complete hope in Christ alone, believing that God’s mercy and grace is sufficient to reach even the darkest and most hardened heart – including her own.

A beautiful, transparent portrait of redemption as marriage is viewed as a living, breathing example of Christ and His bride. Readers will be encouraged and equipped to persevere through deep marital waters.

Joy Speaks

Interview with Revive Our Heart
Podcasts, Articles and Blog Posts

She's been on other platforms too. They're still together. I hope her story encourages you. God bless.

~bella

 

[com7fy8]

I’m shattered, lost, confused, so heartbroken , she’s my soulmate,

This sounds like how she could have felt because of what you have done.

Both of you, then, perhaps have not prepared to do the forgiving that needs to be done in order to have a successful marriage.

God's love makes us generously forgiving and His love makes us strong so we can not deeply suffer and be broken. But it seems both of you can become emotional basket cases because of evil that someone else has done. And this is not scriptural, however we let evil get the better of us >

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21)

So, it looks like neither of you has become strong in Jesus and how He has us loving and freely forgiving. So, this is perhaps your first real problem, and hers, too. So, yes, may be we could say you two *are* soulmates, by being the same way like this. But you need to get with God, then - - whether she does or not - - and share with mature Christian examples who can feed you how to become in Jesus. And as this works for you . . . pray this to her.

As God proves Himself to you, by maturing you in His love and generosity of forgiveness and strength against pain and confusion and brokenheartedness . . . with God in ***HIs*** love you then will discover how He guides you and makes the way for all the good He has for you. And you will discover if she has joined you in this or not.

By the way . . . even if she forgives you well . . . this does not automatically mean she has to trust you, but she needs to be able to test reliably, with God making her sensible and prayerful so she can test reliably about if and how to trust you. And meanwhile you need to first depend on God, not allow your happiness to hang on what she decides, so what she does can not have power to take you down and out in trouble and torment. Because even if you work things out, there will be times when one of you will be wrong, and the other will need to be strong so the one who is right can restore the other.

"Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted." (Galatians 6:1)

"'And whenever you send praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.'" (Mark 11:25-26)

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do." (in Luke 23:34)

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

If you obey these scriptures, **yourself**, you will discover who you connect with in genuine love.