I have been a christian for sixteen years. I had been brought up as a catholic, I knew God but I did not have a personal relationship with Jesus. At fifteen I turned my back on the church. I still believed in God and I knew who Jesus was but found it hard to understand what he did for me. I could not believe that he loved me so much that he laid his life down for me. I found it hard to believe that anybody could love like that.
I was never shown love as a child and was physically and emotionally abused through out my childhood. I was put in a children's home from the age of nine till I was eighteen. I searched for love in all the wrong places due to this I was raped on numbour of occasions and sexually abused. By this time I had a poor image of myself, all the pain, guilt and shame I buried deep and vowed I would never show my feelings to any adults again.
I got pregnant at eighteen and married at nineteen, I had four children who were all girls. My life became more and painfull to bear, my husband was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive. The marriage lasted 15 years, we broke up because of the sexuall abuse my three older daughters went through by thier grandfather also we had a special needs daughter.
I carried more shame and guilt, but I would not allow myself to feel. All I was concerned was the care of my children. Fear creeped in and I was feerfull of being on my own. I met my secound husband this relationship was worse than the first. My life was controlled by fear, low self esteem and real hatred for myself. I had another two children, you might say why did you not leave but the answer was I had nowhere to go. I came to a point in my life were I felt I wanted to die. This was made worse by my secound husbands father dying. All the anger and resentment was put on my shoulders, I became depressed and did not know were to turn. This is were Jesus came in.
In 1989 Billy Graham came over to England on a Crusade, I went to a meeting on one of the meetings, I knew that I needed to go forward and except Jesus into my life. After a short struggle inwardly I went forward. I knew that I was doing the right thing. Of course I did not know what life changing that commitment would mean to my life. I felt a peace that I had never felt before.
The next morning I went to church with my older daughter, after the service I was prayed for that I would be baptised in the Holy Spirit. This is were my Jesus really showed himself to me. He welcomed me with open arms, he poured his love I was bathed in pure unconditional love. I remember crying with joy.
Over the years he restored my broken heart, he has healed all my emotions, it has been a painfull journey but a journey with great joy that Jesus was there in my pain. He has restored my secound marriage. He restored my relationship with my mother before she died. She accepted him as her saviour before she died. Jesus restored my girls and they are all his. He showed me what I was in him a precious child of our Father. All that was broken he restored, I now give all that I have recieved to others. I am not a surviour, I am restored, a new creation. The memories do not go but the pain does. He is my Heavenly Father and I am his child. Amen
marieg
