The List

[Gnarwhal]

I used to think having a "list" of requirements or desired traits in a spouse was snobby or elitist, like I wasn't creating enough space for God to surprise me with a type of romantic partner I wasn't expecting or something.

But then I married someone without mentally consulting a list, and it turns out that was pretty miserable. I think we can all have lists of non-negotiable qualities that acts as a baseline barometer for the type of person we'd like to let into our lives, without being snobby about it.

I'm finding that it's important to share between 50% and 75% of your interests, anymore than 75% and you won't have anything to yourself, and less than 50% and there's too little in common. So that's something on my list, a girl who likes a lot of the same stuff as me but not everything I like—put another way: she has her own interests separate from mine.

That's just an example of one item on my list.

So, aside from the obvious necessity for our spouse to share our beliefs, what else is on yours?

 

[Davidnic]

I didn't have a list for what I wanted a wife per se. But I did have requirements of what II was looking for in my close Circle of Friends. And it was through a friend's girlfriend that I met my wife.

 

[Davidnic]

For us being the same religion was important. Also that we had similar taste in geeky fandoms and hobbies.

And that we had a similar logic or at least knew where each other stood on when the house should be cleaned, straightened up and how that was done. Or more so what we each felt was acceptable in how it was done.

Having a similar theory on money management has been helpful.

But for us a lot of the simple happy times have come in sitting and talking together about the books we like, staying up late together watching RiffTrax, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Futurama. We always did role playing games together with friends. We don't do that so much but we play them now with the kids, and get the occasional game in together over Discord with friends.

So you don't want a clone of yourself.... But having similar interests and likes while having a common focus on God for your family, is helpful.

 

[Swords&Sunflowers]

Lol I have a list of traits I desire, but as long as he has these main qualities...
disclaimer, I do not own this list, found it in a book I was reading some time ago.

Spoiler: The List

 

[Doug Melven]

I used to think having a "list" of requirements or desired traits in a spouse was snobby or elitist, like I wasn't creating enough space for God to surprise me with a type of romantic partner I wasn't expecting or something.

But then I married someone without mentally consulting a list, and it turns out that was pretty miserable. I think we can all have lists of non-negotiable qualities that acts as a baseline barometer for the type of person we'd like to let into our lives, without being snobby about it.

I'm finding that it's important to share between 50% and 75% of your interests, anymore than 75% and you won't have anything to yourself, and less than 50% and there's too little in common. So that's something on my list, a girl who likes a lot of the same stuff as me but not everything I like—put another way: she has her own interests separate from mine.

That's just an example of one item on my list.

So, aside from the obvious necessity for our spouse to share our beliefs, what else is on yours?

Instead of having a list, why not let God guide you in choosing your spouse?
See Psalms 37:4, Proverbs 3:5-6 19:14

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Instead of having a list, why not let God guide you in choosing your spouse?
See Psalms 37:4, Proverbs 3:5-6 19:14

Having a concrete idea of what you want is not a bad thing. What you are saying is basically why plan for anything just let God guide you. We have a logical mind capable of reasoning ourselves. Anyways God isn't going to do it all for us. He wants us to make our own decisions. He wants them to align with him but its up to us to decide what we do in our life.

 

[Davidnic]

Sometimes God guiding you is putting an image in your mind through the Holy Spirit.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

Sometimes God guiding you is putting an image in your mind through the Holy Spirit.

Of course but this doesn't mean you shouldn't make a list like was proposed. If you were to write down 10 things you want in your partner so you know what you want, this is a good thing I'd say. I feel like people just want God to do everything for them and they don't want to take any action. God didn't create our life so he can live it for us.

 

[Davidnic]

Yep. Sometimes if you do a list like that you learn a lot about yourself and it brings you along the way to finding the person who meets the list too.

Many times God does indeed help those who help themselves.

 

[Doug Melven]

Having a concrete idea of what you want is not a bad thing. What you are saying is basically why plan for anything just let God guide you. We have a logical mind capable of reasoning ourselves. Anyways God isn't going to do it all for us. He wants us to make our own decisions. He wants them to align with him but its up to us to decide what we do in our life.

Did you not read the Scripture links provided?
Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to Him and He will bring it to pass.

When we delight ourselves in Him, He gives us new desires.
When we commit our way to Him, those desires come to pass.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.
Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths.

When we trust Him and don't try to figure things out on our own, and we acknowledge Him in everything, He directs our paths.

A prudent wife is from the LORD.

God knows who is best for you, let Him do the hard part. Leaving the easy part for you. Taking what God gives.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

So God will give me a wife and I don't have to do anything? That doesn't seem to make sense. What exactly do you suggest a person do? Leaning not on our own understanding doesn't mean we shouldn't take action that we shouldn't use the logical minds we have to reason that God gave us. This seems to be a way for you to quote scripture to justify not putting in the work.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Instead of having a list, why not let God guide you in choosing your spouse?
See Psalms 37:4, Proverbs 3:5-6 19:14

Why are you so sure we haven’t? Did you read the OP? I didn’t have a list the first time around and I ended up in a bad marriage, and my wife eventually left me for another man.

Maybe instead of pious virtue signaling God wants us to be proactive and participatory in our own faith and our own lives.

God wanted Noah to build the ark, he didn’t build it for him. God wanted David to face Goliath, he didn’t pick up the sling himself. God wanted the Israelites to march around Jericho, he wasn’t blasting the trumpet himself. Participation is the theme here.

 

[Doug Melven]

What exactly do you suggest a person do?

When He directs your path I recommend you walk in that path.

Why are you so sure we haven’t? Did you read the OP? I didn’t have a list the first time around and I ended up in a bad marriage, and my wife eventually left me for another man.

Maybe instead of pious virtue signaling God wants us to be proactive and participatory in our own faith and our own lives.

God wanted Noah to build the ark, he didn’t build it for him. God wanted David to face Goliath, he didn’t pick up the sling himself. God wanted the Israelites to march around Jericho, he wasn’t blasting the trumpet himself. Participation is the theme here.

Where did I ever say our part was to do nothing?
Our part is the easy part, take what God gives, follow where He tells us to go.

 

[Somber]

Yeah, I think it is good to know what would work well for you, so I do like this idea.

For me I feel that if one is still not completely acquainted with their inner self and understands their self they also won't as easily recognize what would work and end up seeing more through ideals than being drawn to what is genuine. Genuine recognizes and tends to be drawn to genuine, while masks are easier to wear when you want to put a face on to please, and it's easy to fall into the habit of people pleasing and set aside ourselves for another, but those things, our interests, and those little differences about us that we have are what makes us who we are. I still have people pleasing habits that I am working on changing, and I feel like I need to make a list of the reasons why I would want to be in a relationship, and what my underlying motivations would be, to help me recognize this more and then adjust accordingly.

At this point I am not entirely sure whether it is a close friendship that I desire or perhaps something more. One thing I do know is that I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship if I wasn't first able to be a good friend with them and felt emotionally safe with them, though that can take time, so I guess that would be the most important thing on my list.

 

[Gnarwhal]

For us being the same religion was important. Also that we had similar taste in geeky fandoms and hobbies.

And that we had a similar logic or at least knew where each other stood on when the house should be cleaned, straightened up and how that was done. Or more so what we each felt was acceptable in how it was done.

Having a similar theory on money management has been helpful.

But for us a lot of the simple happy times have come in sitting and talking together about the books we like, staying up late together watching RiffTrax, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Futurama. We always did role playing games together with friends. We don't do that so much but we play them now with the kids, and get the occasional game in together over Discord with friends.

So you don't want a clone of yourself.... But having similar interests and likes while having a common focus on God for your family, is helpful.

I could see how those things would be interconnected. In fact, that might even be the better approach because you want to be with someone who likes and thinks well of your friends.

And to your final thought, I completely agree. That was kind of what my "50-75%" thing was about. I don't want someone who likes absolutely everything I like to the point that they want to do everything together, because sometimes we need our space and it's nice and enjoyable to do things alone or with a fresh set of faces.

 

[blackribbon]

Did you not read the Scripture links provided?
Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to Him and He will bring it to pass.

When we delight ourselves in Him, He gives us new desires.
When we commit our way to Him, those desires come to pass.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.
Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths.

When we trust Him and don't try to figure things out on our own, and we acknowledge Him in everything, He directs our paths.

A prudent wife is from the LORD.

God knows who is best for you, let Him do the hard part. Leaving the easy part for you. Taking what God gives.

God is not a vending machine where you drop in your prayer or the desire of your heart drops out. I think that verse is more pointing out that the more you seek to become more Christlike our desires will align with His. Which means that a selfish desire of having a spouse might change to a desire to be alone so that you have more time to serve God's children and not that if you are "good" God will have a leggy blond show up on your doorstep

 

[Doug Melven]

God is not a vending machine where you drop in your prayer or the desire of your heart drops out. I think that verse is more pointing out that the more you seek to become more Christlike our desires will align with His. Which means that a selfish desire of having a spouse might change to a desire to be alone so that you have more time to serve God's children and not that if you are "good" God will have a leggy blond show up on your doorstep

 

[Sketcher]

Attractive, Biblically single, trustworthy, kind, giving, forgiving, patient, respectful, submissive, intelligent, prudent, can laugh and have a good time with me.

 

[blackribbon]

Attractive, Biblically single, trustworthy, kind, giving, forgiving, patient, respectful, submissive, intelligent, prudent, can laugh and have a good time with me.

Do you want a woman who is submissive to people in general?

 

[Niels]

The list:

- She's single.
- We brighten each other's day.
- The attraction is mutual.
- Our life goals mesh well enough.
- We can talk about anything and nothing.

Granted, there are other things that make it all possible, and other traits that spin off of these, but that's the gist of it.