the 'l' word

[hasnoname]

I guess to understand this question you might need some background. I also realize none of you really know me, but I am only seeking wisdom and perspective.

I have been in a relationship where 'I love you' was said about a month into the relationship. My ex said it to me, over the phone and in retrospect it was completely immature and ridiculous, as I can see now...especially as sophomores in high school. But none the less it was said. However, you learn with relationships, and I learned a lot through that. I now realize how sacred that term of endearment is. At least to me, it is something that I feel should not be taken lightly at all. It shouldnt be said to just anyone. And moreover, it shows a level of intimacy, a level of commitment. So that brings me to my current situation.

Now I do not really think I love my girlfriend yet. I wonder sometimes, but I would definitely not tell her I did, even if it were certain. It is something I want to learn about before I say anything (in the Bible). But I am worried. This weekend we were having a disagreement. Whenever this happens we talk. She had done something that hurt and as trivial as it was, I needed to talk about it. So we went to a park and sat and talked. She was so distraught that she had hurt me, because it was not intentional, and it was not even her choice, but I saw it on her face. We have been dating for 2 months now, but we have been close for about a month longer. And we didnt start casual, it was a full exclusive commited relationship that we both knew would and will last a while. We had been friends before and got to know each other very well...almost to the point that we were best friends before we started dating romantically. Everything has been great, it has been open and we talk about everything (except marriage and future stuff as we do not want to make promises or even come close to those which we cannot live up to), and I truly care for her deeply. More than I can explain. As I sat there looking at her, my heart was just in pieces seeing her hurt...and she was beating herself up inside, and I just wanted to reach out and tell her 'dont worry, I love you...you are amazing, you are wonderful, and yeah...' I want to say I am still infatuated, but how can I tell when I am not. I know she is human, and we have had our disagreements, we have had problems we had to work through...and we have passed every test with flying colors, becoming stronger and closer after each. So I guess I have two questions, when do you know it is love and how do you stop from saying it too soon?

We have talked about it before and I told her that if I ever did tell her I loved her, then I would mean it, and I would know what it means and I would be 100% sure of it. How can I differentiate between the love I have for her as a sister in Christ, and the love I would have for her as God calls me to, and the love that I would have for her as a friend and then finally the romantic love which would require the three previous mentioned forms?

 

[Cordelia]

I think you know you love her deeply as a sister in Christ, as a friend and companion, and that's wonderful. Never beat yourself up about that. Tell her she's amazing, that you're there for her, and whatever else you're feeling - you never have to use the word 'love' if you don't think it's right to, yet. I really admire your principles about that, by the way -

"I now realize how sacred that term of endearment is. At least to me, it is something that I feel should not be taken lightly at all. It shouldnt be said to just anyone. And moreover, it shows a level of intimacy, a level of commitment."

I completely agree. The Bible's clear on what Godly love is, and I think you understand that. Feelings don't make relationships any easier in practice, though, do they? I'd been friends with my boyfriend for a few months, and with him romantically for only four weeks, when "I love you" just slipped out of my mouth, of its own accord. I was mortified, knowing I care about him more than I can say but that I don't know if that's the 'love' - the action as well as the feeling - that God would want me to show towards someone. I haven't said it since but I make it clear, as often as I feel I need to, how much my boyfriend means to me.

I'd say, think about it prayerfully and let God work it out for the two of you in His own time.

 

[Jillymac]

Hi Chris

I was best friends with my now fiance before we started dating. We had only dated for a month when i realised that i really loved him and i didn't know when to tell him. I went about it rather sheepishly on christmas eve and we were both kinda watching tv and snoozing when i said " is it possible to love someone only after a month" he said yes and here we are 2 years on and gettin married in 2 weeks.

I think you are being sensible in realising that love is such an important gift from God. It is strange as you can one day be unsure of loving someone and then the next day it will hit you and BAM you love them, other times it takes time to grow in your relationship and realise you never want to part from you other half.

You said in your post that you just wanted to reach out and tell her you love her - if you are saying this like this inside you, then you are having loving feelings towards her. Don't be scared of loving someone. I held it inside me until i burst, so i probably loved my fiance in under a month, we had been such amazing friends that i knew he was the one for me and that i never ever want to lose him.

How do you feel about your girlf? Be honest with yourself. Pray about it - i did an awful lot of that, i had been hurt in my previous relationship and i wanted the next man i dated to be the one...God blessed me with the most wonderful person.

No one can come on here and tell you if you love her or if you don't. That decision is made between you, her and God. I don't know how, but God managed to show me that my fiance was the one - maybe just the sense of peace i had around him.

Keep praying and you will get your answer.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

you'll know when u really love her. i KNEW i loved my boyfriend about two months after we started dating. we finally said i love you three months into the relationship. i guess we wanted to make sure we really did love each other before we just blurted it out without real meaning. you'll just know when u love her. i don't know what else to tell ya except pray about it. God knows when you love her too and i'm sure he'll love to tell you if you do.

 

[jenn82]

I have really enjoyed reading the different responces here and am interested to see what others say also.

I have been friends with my boyfriend for near on 8 months now. We were really good friends before we started dating, and are still the best of friends!

I posted a similar question in another thread but I think this is hopefully a better place to get an answer.

We have only been dating for a month, but like I said have known each other for quite a while longer, I get the feeling from him and he has said that he doens't want to say anything prematurely, and I feel the same way. I just wish I knew when I was going to be able to tell him how I feel. We will sing each other songs sometimes, and it's funny when we get to a place where it says something about I love you, we usually change it to I like you, I know that was just a random comment.

I guess I am just wanting to know what other people think, cause as I believe was said above I have known how I feel for at least a week now but I don't know when it will be right to tell him, and I am leaning toward waiting till he tells me and I will then tell him how long I have been feeling the same way.

Anyway as I said thanks for the responces and keep them coming.

Jennifer

 

[Inperfected]

Love? That was first said *well* over a year ago, but more in the context of "luv ya" than "i love you"... I love you? UM that was said around a week before the relationship officially started... I cared heaps for him, and he was my best friend and had been for months (we'd in some ways been dating exclusively for around 8 months at that point). I said it without realising quitely and he asked what i'd said. Was it time, i'm not sure as i still wasn't sure about a relationship for a 3-4 weeks.

But It's great. I love you can be said prematurely, and it's great to see your patience and maturity. However, be careful of not saying it too late, as you really show love at the moment...

 

[hasnoname]

Thanks all for all the posts...they have been great. I had thought about it around 1 month into the relationship, but I determined it was not appropriate to put the relationship at that level of intimacy yet. And I am pretty sure I will wait quite a bit longer. When I was thinking about it, we talked about 'i love you'. She said she couldnt see it before a long period of time...because at that point I hadnt really had any convictions about it...so we were trying to place a boundary on it...and she said 8 months. Both of us were extremely uncomfortable with a time boundary...as not only could it limit the relationship and make it uncomfortable, but once the time came it could almost become obligatory. So I thought about what I truly thought I love you meant and not really developed my beliefs about the phrase, but organized my thoughts and came to a conclusion. Thats when I told her that I would not put a time period on it, but if it was ever said, on either side, it would be from the heart and would only come with much thought and prayer...we would not say it if we were not 100% certain. I guess now I am afraid that I am certain of it before an extended period of time, how she would take it. Because her first response was 8 months, and that could have been her real belief, or her just trying to please me. I guess if I just pray about it, and God shows me that it is real, and I have a complete peace, I will tell her.

 

[MN John]

I guess if I just pray about it, and God shows me that it is real, and I have a complete peace, I will tell her.

You've got it! Way to go, dude!

Waiting until it is right will make a huge positive difference. When you reach that stage, you will know it and she will know it.

Peace.

 

[Dawn Marie]

I knew I was in love, real love, the first week.

Almost five years later, and we're still in love.

I guess it's different gfor everyone. But anyway.

You would see her more than just a sister in Christ or a good friend. You'd want to be with her and nobody else, she would mean the world to you.

At least, that's how it is for me...

 

[Adela]

I met my husband in high school too and we said it about 3 months into the relationship. Looking back, at the time I had no idea what love really was. I know that we didn't feel the same way about each other then as we do now. There was a lot of sexual attraction and activity between us even though we weren't married or even planning to be married. Our relationship gradually grew into what it is now which is real love. We went through a lot of different experiences together some of them good, some of them really horrible. But the tough experiences brought us closer together I think and we started to really love each other.

I guess I don't really have anything to say that would help you with your situation. I just know that I would do anything for my husband and he would do anything for me.

I think it's easy in the early stages of dating to confuse love with infatuation and the excitement of a new relationship.