The 'hook up' culture

[PassionFruit]

I've been hearing a lot about this 'hook up' culture, especially from conservatives who believe that it is harmful to women. While I agree with them that this culture exists (like on college campuses and such) I don't agree that it's entirely harmful.

So what's the 'hook up' culture? Apparently it can be anything from just making out to have casual sex. What it comes down to is that people aren't dating as much anymore, but just having casual sex which isn't supposed to lead to a long term relationship.

I think this is also apart of people having sexual relationships with no emotional attachments whatsoever.

Here's how I feel about it. I don't find anything wrong with people just engaging in casual sex (yes of course because I'm immoral feminist ). But the truth is, it seems critics believes that people aren't just aren't looking for relationships anymore. That's not the case, perhaps people aren't ready to be in long term relationships. Perhaps some people are just looking for something that's more casual. I myself was in a relationship for a year and half and it was wonderful. I have also been in sexual relationships as well, and have not suffered emotionally as a result.

So how do you feel about the 'hook up' culture? Do you think it's good or bad? It is a gray area?

 

[mpok1519]

Yes; less people are getting married (or staying married at least) and having children, and having less steady relationships.

Good? bad? I dunno; maybe this is the reason I can't even get a date lol

 

[Steezie]

I dont like the whole hook up idea, I tend to get attached too easily Im not against casual sex if neither of us is in a relationship. The problem is most of my friends that I've been open to sex with were in relationships when I wasnt

I dont see anything against it, we are becoming more open sexually as a society which is good. I do think there are people who take it too far. I didnt engage in hooking up simply because I get attached easily.

 

[quatona]

I've been hearing a lot about this 'hook up' culture, especially from conservatives who believe that it is harmful to women. While I agree with them that this culture exists (like on college campuses and such) I don't agree that it's entirely harmful.

So what's the 'hook up' culture? Apparently it can be anything from just making out to have casual sex. What it comes down to is that people aren't dating as much anymore, but just having casual sex which isn't supposed to lead to a long term relationship.

I think this is also apart of people having sexual relationships with no emotional attachments whatsoever.

Here's how I feel about it. I don't find anything wrong with people just engaging in casual sex (yes of course because I'm immoral feminist ). But the truth is, it seems critics believes that people aren't just aren't looking for relationships anymore. That's not the case, perhaps people aren't ready to be in long term relationships. Perhaps some people are just looking for something that's more casual. I myself was in a relationship for a year and half and it was wonderful. I have also been in sexual relationships as well, and have not suffered emotionally as a result.

So how do you feel about the 'hook up' culture? Do you think it's good or bad? It is a gray area?

Myself being a product of the hippie- and post-hippie era, I actually don´t see how this is new or a recent development. Nor can I see anything regrettable in it.
That said I perceive the current young generation to be much more "conservative" in these matters and tending to be more interested in long term relationships than mine was. (The fact that I am not American and "hookup culture" is an American catch term that we don´t seem to have an equivalent over here may point to national or cultural differences, though, that put my observations in perspective when it comes to America´s "hook up culture").

 

[Chajara]

The casual sex part bothers me, simply because I see people do dumb stuff all the time and then an unwanted pregnancy and abortion results. I don't care what people do as long as they do it responsibly and don't spread disease or contribute to the unwanted pregnancy statistics.

I, personally, cannot sleep with someone unless I'm very close to that person, so if I'm looking for something casual, sex will not be on the list of options. Maybe a make-out session or something, but not sex. I just can't give it up that easily I guess

 

[Verv]

Believing that our bodies are a vehicle of receiving pleasure and thus engaging in sex before marriage becomes inherently decadent. You really will not find any fruit down this path beyond the mere physical pleasure that one receives and rather might find oneself in more confusing, emotional relationships and perhaps even disease or pregnancy. It really isn't a positive thing.

Imagine people you are still attached to movign on to have casual sex with your friends -- I am sure that doesn't feel good.

I choose not to insert myself in the situation and I encourage others to wait for marriage.

 

[PassionFruit]

Believing that our bodies are a vehicle of receiving pleasure and thus engaging in sex before marriage becomes inherently decadent. You really will not find any fruit down this path beyond the mere physical pleasure that one receives and rather might find oneself in more confusing, emotional relationships and perhaps even disease or pregnancy. It really isn't a positive thing.

Imagine people you are still attached to movign on to have casual sex with your friends -- I am sure that doesn't feel good.

I choose not to insert myself in the situation and I encourage others to wait for marriage.

Speaking from personal experience, it doesn't bother me that I have friends who choose to have casual sex with someone else, perhaps I'm immoral in your view or even shallow but that's kind of the point about casual sex, if someone chooses to engage in sexual activity with someone it isn't supposed to be bother you, because that's all the relationship was, is just sex. But that's kind of the point of this thread, sexual relationships aren't always harmful. That's why safe sex is important as well, so people won't be faced with unwanted pregnancies and abortions.

If you choose to wait until marriage that's all well and good for you, but some of choose not to wait until marriage and we're perfectly fine with that choice.

I, personally, cannot sleep with someone unless I'm very close to that person, so if I'm looking for something casual, sex will not be on the list of options. Maybe a make-out session or something, but not sex. I just can't give it up that easily I guess

I understand, that's another thing, people have to communicate what they're looking for. If you want to just have a casual make out session, then it's important to communicate that.

 

[stan1980]

I can't put my finger on it, but I hate the tag "hook up" culture for some reason and hope the phrase doesn't catch on here. I guess I am part of it, but the bottom line is people can lead their lives however they want.

In London right now, there is more single people living alone than ever before, and people are getting married later in life. I'm actually quite thankful of this trend, as if I had got married when I was younger it probably would have been a massive mistake, and thankfully it isn't too difficult meeting other singles my age. Only downside, is it has probably contributed to extortionate living costs here but that is another story.

I think though, when my (limited) looks start to fade, and the women dry up, I will think about settling down. At the moment I'm not looking to get too close to anyone. Honest, but true. Is that bad?

 

[mpok1519]

the thing is, I can't wait for marriage. Theres no woman out there i can imagine who would even ever want to consider marrying me, nor would I ever pressure a woman into a decision I am pretty sure she is going to regret, and nor would I want to place myself in such an unpredictable situation like marriage.

I mean, whats the point of waiting for marriage, if shes only gonna divorce you, take some of your stuff, pawn the ring you got her, and then never call you again? I am pretty sure its a pessimistic and masogynist question, but it has happened to people before.

Is it REALLY imperative for one be so consumed with this idea of marriage, especially when it becomes a more and more unstable institution in our society? Most people get married too quickly, or too young anyway. But even the relationships that are longterm resulting in marriage also result in half divorce as well.

Theres no proof that a ritualized sacrament of one's relationship devotion to another results in happiness. Sure, it works for some people, but for many, it simply does not, and the price people pay, and the toll it takes on people, might be a good reason not to get married. Sure for some it can be fruitful, but it also can be the opposite.

If every woman I ask to marry me says no, does God wish me never to have sex? I know the answer is not "yes".

I urge everyone not to get married unless they know exactly what they are doing. If not, it might not be for you. Its not just a thing you do just because society says "thats what you're supposed to do".

 

[PassionFruit]

the thing is, I can't wait for marriage. Theres no woman out there i can imagine who would even ever want to consider marrying me, nor would I ever pressure a woman into a decision I am pretty sure she is going to regret, and nor would I want to place myself in such an unpredictable situation like marriage.

I mean, whats the point of waiting for marriage, if shes only gonna divorce you, take some of your stuff, pawn the ring you got her, and then never call you again? I am pretty sure its a pessimistic and masogynist question, but it has happened to people before.

Is it REALLY imperative for one be so consumed with this idea of marriage, especially when it becomes a more and more unstable institution in our society? Most people get married too quickly, or too young anyway. But even the relationships that are longterm resulting in marriage also result in half divorce as well.

Theres no proof that a ritualized sacrament of one's relationship devotion to another results in happiness. Sure, it works for some people, but for many, it simply does not, and the price people pay, and the toll it takes on people, might be a good reason not to get married. Sure for some it can be fruitful, but it also can be the opposite.

If every woman I ask to marry me says no, does God wish me never to have sex? I know the answer is not "yes".

I urge everyone not to get married unless they know exactly what they are doing. If not, it might not be for you. Its not just a thing you do just because society says "thats what you're supposed to do".

Sounds a bit pessimistic but understandably so. That's probably why the 'hook up' culture exist is because maybe people don't want to quickly get married, especially when there's a huge chance you can end up getting divorced. I guess people want to enjoy their sexual freedom first, before getting married. Then again, I don't know.

 

[cantata]

I have a coffee rule: I'll never sleep with anyone if I wouldn't cheerfully spend an afternoon having coffee and conversation with them. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone with whom I had nothing in common or whom I didn't feel I could talk to about things. Call me old-fashioned

At the moment I'm in a semi-monogamous relationship, but if I were not, I would very cheerfully have (safe) sex with a few different people. I like experiencing that connection with people, and I personally don't like to hear it called "just" sex - even if you're not in a relationship with the person you're having sex with, it doesn't necessarily mean the sex is meaningless or self-serving.

 

[Eudaimonist]

I can understand having casual sex as a way of preparing oneself for a serious relationship later on, but I don't think it is good to treat all sex as casual with no thought about preparing for a future relationship. I see this failing as a kind of immaturity or an overly casual attitude towards one's life. It might not be harmful per se, but it strikes me as a wasted opportunity.


eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[Verv]

Speaking from personal experience, it doesn't bother me that I have friends who choose to have casual sex with someone else, perhaps I'm immoral in your view or even shallow but that's kind of the point about casual sex, if someone chooses to engage in sexual activity with someone it isn't supposed to be bother you, because that's all the relationship was, is just sex. But that's kind of the point of this thread, sexual relationships aren't always harmful. That's why safe sex is important as well, so people won't be faced with unwanted pregnancies and abortions.

You are right in this however I have been taking a stoic view towards life and have considered the feelings of all people involved, including future people. I would like to have a Christian marriage and although I can accept people entirely for their history I feel I do not want to bring baggage to the table of having lived such a life.

I also feel like there are rewards gained through temperance and through waiting. There is the reward you feel when you take a harder road and concentrate on other things. I feel like my life is more productive and in a sense more honest.

I do not want to go before someone I fall in love with and admit being previously morally loose, especially if they had been waiting for me. I would feel like I made a transgression against them. I honor a woman I have not yet even met, I imagine.

If you choose to wait until marriage that's all well and good for you, but some of choose not to wait until marriage and we're perfectly fine with that choice.

It is your choice and to me I disagree with that choice, but I think it is a choice that everyone can learn from including yourself.

Honestly, I do not want to sound judgmental or overbearing or anything at all like that, but I think there are certain ideals we have out there and although we cannot fulfill them perfectly the attempt to do so is an honorable one. I know I would like those close to me to remain steadfast in their Christianity and others who are not Christian to come to God as I believe this is the salvation, but of course we have free will and I support their choice...

I just think later people may have regrets about it and that is just life... I am rambling, now, so I will stop.

I understand, that's another thing, people have to communicate what they're looking for. If you want to just have a casual make out session, then it's important to communicate that.

Yeah, exactly, true; both parties need to be on the same page.

I was dating a girl once who did not want to pursue a further relationship but said she wanted to have sex. She hammered home the idea to me and I would spend the night at her apartment but I never could bring myself to do that because it is against my personal code and rules and needless to say after a few months of merely being friends and not sleeping with her she eventually was not too interested in having a Christian lame-oh watching movies and drinking beers until 3 AM only to have conversation and me sleep on the floor.

I do not regret my decision, because I think that even if perhaps it would have been merely only casual sex it would have been something that would bring up more questions to myself on what sex is. It could have put a wedge between God and myself and between a future wife and myself.

What happens if you have a terrific sexual relationship with someone and you agree it is casual, but when you go on in life you found that you loved that person or that you crave sex with that person, yet are now with someone else?

I never want to have to answer that question.

In London right now, there is more single people living alone than ever before, and people are getting married later in life. I'm actually quite thankful of this trend, as if I had got married when I was younger it probably would have been a massive mistake, and thankfully it isn't too difficult meeting other singles my age. Only downside, is it has probably contributed to extortionate living costs here but that is another story.

I think though, when my (limited) looks start to fade, and the women dry up, I will think about settling down. At the moment I'm not looking to get too close to anyone. Honest, but true. Is that bad?

You should consider starting a family I think. Most people seem very happy to have children and a family to call their own. Consider it a bit.

the thing is, I can't wait for marriage. Theres no woman out there i can imagine who would even ever want to consider marrying me, nor would I ever pressure a woman into a decision I am pretty sure she is going to regret, and nor would I want to place myself in such an unpredictable situation like marriage.

I mean, whats the point of waiting for marriage, if shes only gonna divorce you, take some of your stuff, pawn the ring you got her, and then never call you again? I am pretty sure its a pessimistic and masogynist question, but it has happened to people before.

Is it REALLY imperative for one be so consumed with this idea of marriage, especially when it becomes a more and more unstable institution in our society? Most people get married too quickly, or too young anyway. But even the relationships that are longterm resulting in marriage also result in half divorce as well.

Theres no proof that a ritualized sacrament of one's relationship devotion to another results in happiness. Sure, it works for some people, but for many, it simply does not, and the price people pay, and the toll it takes on people, might be a good reason not to get married. Sure for some it can be fruitful, but it also can be the opposite.

You have a very pessimistic view of it -- you should remain open to other people and see if you can find something very special with someone else and then consider the step. Perhaps from the outside it looks like a bad idea and modern society can easily breed a cynical view of marriage.

I see where you are coming from but disagree with your conclusions.

 

[quatona]

To me it´s more like not having sex with a girl I really like strikes me as a wasted opportunity.
However, sadly there are many such wasted opportunities in my life. It takes two, after all.

 

[Eudaimonist]

To me it´s more like not having sex with a girl I really like strikes me as a wasted opportunity.

Let's say that you were to have that encounter. Why would you have it? What would you seek in it? What would you get out of it? What would it mean to you?

Were you just looking for sexual release and a pleasant memory, or hoping for something more?


eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[cantata]

Let's say that you were to have that encounter. Why would you have it? What would you seek in it? What would you get out of it? What would it mean to you?

Were you just looking for sexual release and a pleasant memory, or hoping for something more?

I'm not speaking for quatona at all, but I feel compelled to respond to this too.

A one-off sexual encounter can just be a lovely experience between friends. Sex can open up a new dimension to a friendship that nevertheless remains a friendship afterwards. When I have sex with someone, I do hope for something more - I hope for a feeling of closeness, a deepening of our friendship, the opportunity to do nice things to and for them, and a mutually satisfying experience. The fact that I don't necessarily want to have a long-term romantic relationship with them doesn't in any way mean that the sex is meaningless or self-serving.

 

[PassionFruit]

I have a coffee rule: I'll never sleep with anyone if I wouldn't cheerfully spend an afternoon having coffee and conversation with them. I wouldn't want to sleep with someone with whom I had nothing in common or whom I didn't feel I could talk to about things. Call me old-fashioned

At the moment I'm in a semi-monogamous relationship, but if I were not, I would very cheerfully have (safe) sex with a few different people. I like experiencing that connection with people, and I personally don't like to hear it called "just" sex - even if you're not in a relationship with the person you're having sex with, it doesn't necessarily mean the sex is meaningless or self-serving.

Totally. My friends and I are very selective about who we engage in sexual activity with. I know casual sex can sometimes be easily interpreted as just 'sleeping around' but in reality it's not. There's a lot that goes into it selecting your partner. Well I know I'm very picky, don't mean to be but that's just me.

To me it´s more like not having sex with a girl I really like strikes me as a wasted opportunity.

Please don't remind me!!! I know what that's like.

I can understand having casual sex as a way of preparing oneself for a serious relationship later on, but I don't think it is good to treat all sex as casual with no thought about preparing for a future relationship. I see this failing as a kind of immaturity or an overly casual attitude towards one's life. It might not be harmful per se, but it strikes me as a wasted opportunity.

I agree with you here.

It is your choice and to me I disagree with that choice, but I think it is a choice that everyone can learn from including yourself.

Honestly, I do not want to sound judgmental or overbearing or anything at all like that, but I think there are certain ideals we have out there and although we cannot fulfill them perfectly the attempt to do so is an honorable one. I know I would like those close to me to remain steadfast in their Christianity and others who are not Christian to come to God as I believe this is the salvation, but of course we have free will and I support their choice...

I just think later people may have regrets about it and that is just life... I am rambling, now, so I will stop.

You didn't sound overbearing or judgmental, in fact this is admirable. The Christians I've met don't have usually look at it like this. And coming from a Christian background it was drilled in me to wait until I was married, though I never found anything wrong with this (still don't) what I didn't like was the attitude people had towards those who choose to be sexually active. I still can't believe my former youth pastor referred to girls who are sexually active as [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth].

 

[PassionFruit]

Let's say that you were to have that encounter. Why would you have it? What would you seek in it? What would you get out of it? What would it mean to you?

Were you just looking for sexual release and a pleasant memory, or hoping for something more?


eudaimonia,

Mark

I would hope for something more, if the person who I had the encounter with also wanted the same thing. If not, then well I wouldn't engage in sexual activity with them.

Pretty much what cantata said.

 

[quatona]

Let's say that you were to have that encounter. Why would you have it? What would you seek in it? What would you get out of it? What would it mean to you?

Well, I guess the same questions could be asked if someone likes to have good conversations with someone without aiming for a long-term committed relationship. I don´t seem to understand what apparently makes sex so unique and particular that you ask these questions.
My approach to people I like is: I want the exchange and interaction to become as intense as possible (within the limits of what either of us finds desirable or possible). And, yes, I think that is a value in itself, for me.
Sexual interaction, in my experience, comes with incomparable opportunities of intensity.

Were you just looking for sexual release and a pleasant memory, or hoping for something more?

I am looking for intense interaction with the persons I like. It´s about contact - sexual release can be easily gained without another person, after all.
Although the way you put your question trivializes this a bit more than it actually deserves, I don´t see anything wrong with doing things for the mere joyfulness they come with and the pleasant memory. I am doing things that way all the time. When I accompany a singer with the the guitar, when I have a badminton match, when I do a bicycle tour with someone, when I talk to friends, when I go out with someone for a dinner, when I have a conversation on a message board...., it´s all "just looking" for the interaction and a "pleasant memory". Actually, I expect every interaction to have a long term effect on my life.

I´m not sure I understand which higher purpose and hopes you seem to have in mind as a legitimate justification for sexual interaction.

 

[cantata]

I don´t seem to understand what apparently makes sex so unique and particular that you ask these questions.

This is so well-said!