The Great Age Gap Question

[PrincessFromOz]

Ok, I'm sorry if this has been discussed in another thread, but frankly I don't have time to go through 101+ pages of threads to find out! (What a popular section this is becoming!)

What are your thoughts on the age-old question: what is an appropriate age gap between people who are dating?

Some people have said they'd only date someone who was within 3 years of their age, but it depends on which gender is older, blah blah blah...

What kind of problems arise when people date people considerably older than them? And what benefits might there be?

And what about this: should the guy be older all the time, or would any of you girls date a younger guy? Guys, would you date an older woman?

Does anyone know of relationships where the norms have been broken but they were successful?

 

[PrincessFromOz]

One relationship I've observed is that between my grandparents: My grandma was 9 years older than my grandpa. They got a bit of flack about it before they got married, but for all intents and purposes they had a happy marriage. In fact, my grandma did the 'submit to your husband' thing quite well, despite him being considerably younger, and was a wonderful wife to him (this was probably a vital factor in the success of their marriage).

 

[covenantwmn]

I'd definitely date younger, don't think it matters, long as you have a lot in common. Of course a given that you're both Christians, so after that anything's possible.

 

[mwb]

I really think people should be within a few years of each other. There can be a big difference in how people think as they go through different stages of life. For example, a 30 year old woman does not have the same perspective as a 39 year old man. People change as they age so their perspective changes as well.

There are exceptions like if a woman is mature beyond her years or a man is immature beyond his years (insert waving smilie here). Then a wider age gap may work.

There is an 8 year age gap between my mother & stepfather. The gap sometimes seems even larger because my mom is young at heart. My step father is still very active but mentally he is probably about his actual age.

 

[Sketcher]

I'll date a few years older or younger than me, but not too many. Each side has its advantages and drawbacks, of course. Younger women will look good for a longer time, yet older ones are more mature and less fickle. It's a balancing act you need to strike, though you can't go wrong with a hot 28 year old who looks like she's 20.

Anyway, I won't rule out a woman who's three years older than I am. On the younger side of the spectrum, the age gap is more forgiving. I would feel like dating an 18 year old would be robbing the cradle because she's fresh out of the nest. Give her a year or two to settle into the world and form her own ideas. Optimally, she'll be old enough to legally drink. Not that I'm a drinker or want one, but it just gives us both a little more flexibility in where we can go, and what we can do. And I don't have to get all bent out of shape if she has A drink, like I would if she were under the legal drinking age.

 

[foadle]

It is sort of an open type of question when you really think about it. Considerations need to be made in the areas of development cycles (While 16 year olds view things very differently to say 22 year olds the difference between 26 and 32 while still there are considerable less due to mental development stages), or maturity (I have met some 30 year olds who behaved worse than 12 year olds I knew). I think it is one of those things that needs to be assessed not an individual basis not by the mass populas.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

what is an appropriate age gap between people who are dating?

Once a person is an adult then they can make their own decisions. What is an "appropriate age gap" is for each individual to decide for themselves.


What kind of problems arise when people date people considerably older than them? And what benefits might there be?


Problems can include societal and family pressures, and a married couple's sex life might be somewhat hindered depending on the age. Benefits-one partner is already established in their career (that can be a problem too), more maturity . . .

And what about this: should the guy be older all the time, or would any of you girls date a younger guy?


I would prefer an older (and wiser) man.

Does anyone know of relationships where the norms have been broken but they were successful?

I do. Two of my great-aunts married men who were 15+ years older then them, and both had very successful marriages. Sir Elton John has been with his partner David Furnish for about a decade and they are about 15 years apart in age. Anna Nicole Smith and the Texas millionaire she married managed to stay married to his death. May-December marriages can work.

DIANE

 

[sherri]

I think I would feel like a cradle snatcher for a guy to be younger then 5 years and 5 I think is about the max on the other side too.

I think like the others have said - 3 on either side is pretty ideal.

For me anyway.

 

[foadle]

Hate to tell you Sherri there are 6 between Connie and Rob. What a naughty boy he is
Still love you though

 

[awashinlove]

I'm 100% with Diane_Windsor (good post!). It probably doesn't need pointing out, but there have been successful and unsuccessful marriages among every age pairing imaginable - I don't think a standard can or should be set by society. Of course we don't want adults with children, but when it comes to an adult man and an adult woman they should approach only God with this issue. Otherwise, their life path may wind up decided by no more than someone else's life experiences.

 

[Macrina]

I agree with those who say there can't be a hard-and-fast rule on this. I remember making "checklists" with a friend from college, and one of hers was that the guy could be a year younger or three years older (or something like that, I don't remember exactly). Well, she is now happily married to a ministry partner who is 15 years older than she is. As soon as you set parameters, it's like begging for Providence to break them.

So no set rules for me. In general, however, my comfort zone would be to stay within a few years of my own age. That could be either way -- I don't think it matters who is older. And that's basically because I would imagine I would have more in common with someone my own age than with someone who was part of another generation... but never say never, lol.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

Oldest I ever dated was 13 years older than me. 28/41yrs old.

It was an eye opener, I though she'd have matured out of the game playing, but who knows what her deal was.

 

[Eagle_Wings]

Each person is going to be different, there can't be any hard & fast rule regarding this. Personally, I feel more comfortable if the guy is older then me, up to about 3 years older. If the guy is younger I don't feel as though I could really submit to him (don't ask me why cuz I don't know, I've always felt this way) and if he's much older then me then our interests would probably be too different. Now as with any "rule" there are always exceptions! It really just boils down to the maturity of the guy. I've been friends with a guy who was only 2 years younger than me but as far as interests and maturity levels it seemed like he was more like 10 years younger. I've also been around guys 10 years older that have acted younger than me. On the other side of the coin I've also known some guys younger than me who acted much more mature than other guys their age. As long as the guy is a strong Christian who can challenge and encourage me in my relationship with God and his maturity level is the same as mine, then age is just a number. Although if he's old enough to be my dad, forget it....that's just too creepy!

 

[fieldmouse3]

I agree with everyone who says you can't make a hard and fast rule about this. Obviously, like someone pointed out, you don't want 15 or 16 year olds with 25 year olds, but a 25 year old with a 35 year old probably wouldn't be an issue. My personal preference is someone who's a couple years older than me. This has been a recent change; before, I actually prefered guys who were a year or two younger. This was probably due to the fact that I worked/socialized with people who were younger than me, and I always felt like I was behind other people my age socially. Now I think I've caught up.

 

[Niels]

Guys, would you date an older woman?

Probably not. I used to be interested in dating older women. That is, until experience taught me that most older women arbitrarily view younger guys as little brothers or, worse yet, someone to be mothered. As an individual with an old soul and a young heart, I'd rather not be mothered or looked down upon simply because of my chronological age.

That said, I'll date women my age, and up to five years younger.

 

[Hollyoz]

I prefer to date a guy that is older ((or at the very least, my age...even a few months older is good enough)). I just recently dated a guy who was six months older and I loved him a lot. He felt too young and not ready for a commitment though, and felt we weren't right for eachother. I think he was looking for somebody a bit younger and less "experienced" shall we say. I would date somebody about five years older I think. I'm not in the dating game right now though. Whoever God has planned for me will be the perfect age for me I reckon.

My dad is dating a woman ((and has been for the past nine years)) that is about five years older than him.

 

[BigHearted]

Someone eonce told me that a good rule of thumb for guys is half your age plus 7. For me, that works out to 21.

Of course, if I was 6, that would be very strange.....

 

[JeremiahJ]

Going along with what a lot of people have said, it's a situational thing. It's about maturity. It's about interests. It's about intellectual development. It's about personality. It's about humor. Ultimately, it's about Jesus.

Now, I would be perfectly willing to date an older woman. A part of me thinks that's ideal for me because the primary people I spend time with are 4+ years older than me anyway. I did date a slightly older girl once. I was a freshman in college fresh out of high school and she was a junior in college. She was a leader among her peers in every respect, but did a really good job of allowing me to lead her.

 

[Tamara224]

what is an appropriate age gap between people who are dating?

I agree with everyone who has said that there's no hard and fast rule about this. It just depends on the people involved.

Personally, I've always been much more attracted to older men. I would date someone up to ten years older than myself. I do have a hang up about dating younger men... I don't know for sure why. But, I just prefer them older.

What kind of problems arise when people date people considerably older than them? And what benefits might there be?

Well, depending on the gap, there could be problems. I had a friend who was 26 and married to a 46 year old...He didn't treat her like an equal, he treated her like a child and that was a problem. That could've just been him but I think the age thing had something to do with it.

My great-grandmother was married to a man 20 years her senior and they got along just fine...however, she spent her late 40s and early 50s taking care of him because he was sick and dying. I think they loved each other (I wasn't born yet at the time) but from all I've been told, they didn't get married because they loved each other. They were both widowed (he was a pastor) - they both had kids to take care of and decided to join forces, so to speak. Anyway, a significant age gap could mean one person spends their 'youth' caring for and tending an older spouse.

 

[InTheGarden]

I find that the older I get the more open I am to the idea of dating men in a wider age range. When I was 21, I dated a 25 year old for a short time, and that age difference seemed absolutely HUGE to me--now 4 years would not be a big deal at all. I would date a man 10 years or more older than myself without a problem if he had the qualities I was looking for in a boyfriend. I would date someone younger than me, too, but I would probably be a little less comfortable with a very big age difference. Whatever God has in store for me is fine--age is among the least of my concerns.

Success stories: my maternal grandparents married when she was 18 and he was 34. They were very happy for 44 years together until he passed away.

My paternal greatgrandparents got married when he was 17 and she was 22! Happily married for years--however he didn't tell her his true age until after the wedding!

I also knew a couple from church that were married for many years, until her death. She was about 20 years older than him! By all accounts and appearances, they loved each other dearly.