The Fireproof concept

[bluegreysky]

I realize it's meant more for couples that have some serious marital issues to mend, but I decided to check out "Fireproof".

We're a new marriage so we're probably just in the "adjustment" period but we've had some minor arguments about stuff the last few days. Stuff like I guess he went along with like a bunch of activities I wanted to do but then he asked me to do something and I was tired and I have a cold so I was like "ugh not now" and he felt put off and blah blah blah...
So yesterday it rained most of the afternoon and I couldn't go to the beach. He of course loves to stay at home and read or watch documentaries so I got my laptop and I was just watching cartoons next to him and junk like that.
Then he went in his office so I was going to use the TV to watch more cartoons and some idea got in my head out of the blue that I should turn off the junkfood TV and do something useful for my marriage,
so I found "Fireproof" was streaming on Netflix and I turned it on.

If you haven't seen it, it's a Christian independent film about a childless couple in GA, married 7 years, he's a fireman and she's some sort of hospital administrator and they don't get along. So she asks for a divorce, and his Christian father introduces him to a 40-day activity journal that should win her back, but half of the the battle is he has to become a Christian so He can love her a new way. Only then did he have a hope of changing her mind.

They made an activity book about the movie (or did they make the movie about the book?) for couples and it's supposed to be especially good if they've drifted apart of if they fight alot.

Basically, the journal he followed in the movie to win her heart, which is the same set of activities in the hands-on book for sale at Barnes and Noble, has activities each day like
- Go all day without saying something mean
- Do something nice for her, just because
- Pray for her

I was just wanting to ask if any of the more seasoned married couples on here ever used Fireproof to mend a problem and what y'all thought of it's effectiveness.

 

[DZoolander]

Can't really say I ever paid much attention to that movie.

I always sorta lobbed it in the same sort of court that I lob Tim Tebow in...which is pandering to the religious market because they're easy marks.

 

[bluegreysky]

Lol ok...

Well what about the concept.
Just pretend there's not a movie,
and thre's still a book.
If you were fighting with your spouse alot, it would give you
an activity a day that's supposed to strengthen, reconcile and help you
rekindle your love and hapiness.

Like I said, it was stuff like "you can't say anything mean today".
"You have to do something nice for the sake of being nice"
"give her a gift"
Some of it is ongoing, like not saying your angry thoughts in the form of hurtful words, and some is just for that day, like the gift.

Would 40 days of workbook exercises appeal to you if you wanted to resolve an ongoing conflict?

 

[mkgal1]

I watched most of the movie at home, but I don't really care for formula type answers like the journal. There is no substitute (IMO) for two willing and motivated spouses that love and respect one another. The idea that there's this easy way to "turn around" a wayward spouse (I believe the wife in the movie was having an affair and had one foot out the door) and everyone lives "happily ever after" doesn't seem too far removed from Disney's typical story lines.

I guess I've become cynical over the years.

 

[mkgal1]

Like I said, it was stuff like "you can't say anything mean today".

That should be a standard for *every* day (to watch our words). I do believe that what we read influences us---so the idea of reading about being affirming is a helpful thing. I think it's how it was sold as a way to "turn a marriage around" (like a prescription or something). Sort of like, "Oh....you have serious marital troubles?.....Here---take this for 40 days, this ought to do the trick".

Would 40 days of workbook exercises appeal to you if you wanted to resolve an ongoing conflict?

If the actions (and attitudes) are truly genuine and not rote...then I can see it as possibly endearing one spouse to the other.

A thought just came to mind. The *main* thing I don't like about these is, even though it says "for the sake of being nice"---it's more than that....isn't it? Isn't the one that is using this journal expecting some payoff? I see it as way too close to manipulation/controlling.

If there were some ongoing conflict and my husband began to start using a journal like this.....I'd see it as just that (manipulation).

 

[bluegreysky]

She wasn't having an affair, but a married doctor was trying to woo her.
It was disaster waiting to happen, and had she actually had the affair, it would probably not have been resolved in 43 days. It's true a marriage that's on the rocks for years probably couldn't magically get better a little more than a month later but I think the point of the exercise book was to encourage couples to start doing nice things for each other BEFORE it gets to the point where one of them is serving the other one papers or getting wooed by someone else because their needs haven't been met for a long time.

 

[bluegreysky]

That should be a standard for *every* day (to watch our words). Shouldn't it?

Well, yeah but I'm saying imagine that you've been not getting along for some time or arguing alot and it's escalated to where you're taking verbal stabs because you're in a destructive downspiral.... you've gotta start somewhere.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, if the message of Fireproof is "If you want to try and save your marriage, maybe fight the urge to be a jerk to them and do something nice every day instead" - then yeah.

Seems like common sense to me

 

[bluegreysky]

I just wonder if it would REALLY save a marriage that's about done and if it has saved anyone on here.

Not saying I need to know this for MY future, but I was curious and I like to study things.

 

[mkgal1]

Well, if the message of Fireproof is "If you want to try and save your marriage, maybe fight the urge to be a jerk to them and do something nice every day instead" - then yeah.

Seems like common sense to me

That's a good way to summarize the message the way I understood it.

It makes marital problems (and solutions) to be a bit too simplistic to me. It also seems like one person acting upon another (instead of the TWO working together). Except....if two *are* working together.....would there even be serious marital trouble?

 

[DZoolander]

I just wonder if it would REALLY save a marriage that's about done and if it has saved anyone on here.

Not saying I need to know this for MY future, but I was curious and I like to study things.

The problem I have with the Fireproof concept, as I understand it, is that it seems to presuppose that people ended up in crappy positions in their marriages accidentally. Kind of like, "I've been living my life and ended up in spot X, you've been living your life and ended up in spot Y, now the only issue is how to bring us back together."

...but that's not at all what most of the divorces I've actually SEEN were.

Rather, in all the broken marriages I've seen, it's as a consequence of one of the spouses consciously deciding to abandon the marital vows and cease acting with consideration of the other spouse.

...and unfortunately....I'd argue that most of the time the person willing to take the steps in Fireproof isn't the one that was doing the alienating to begin with...but rather the one being alienated.

The thing about that movie is that in a lot of ways - it was his actions that were causing the distance and his wife was simply reacting. His job was to "re-win" her and basically atone for his crappy behavior.

Most of the time, the people I hear talking about Fireproof aren't the ones doing the alienating - but rather the ones being alienated...and the advice in Fireproof takes a far different spin in that context. It's far different to be the one driving someone away and then changing your mind/realizing what you've done/apologizing for it....and being the one being driven away trying to chase them down (which is essentially what you'd be doing).

Ya know?

 

[MessianicMommy]

 

[ValleyGal]

I don't think the Love Dare took off the way the authors wanted it to, and the movie comes across as a little (okay, a lot) cheesy.

Often when marriages seem to be in trouble, there are reasons - one of the reasons is that they turn away from each other rather than towards each other. I think this is what was presented in the movie - the wife was feeling neglected by her husband, and she started to respond to the doctor's interests.

The husband noticed the distance and wanted to work on it before it drove them all the way apart, but she was unwilling to work on it. So rather than beg her not to leave, etc (which is what some people do), he took deliberate steps to correct the very thing that drove them apart: he started paying positive attention to her and showing her that he cared. The wife responded positively to what appeared to her as a genuine attempt at change on his part.

Imo, there is a "tipping point" for each marriage. If that tipping point is still far enough away, following things like the 40 day love dare might be effective....but I have my doubts. First, it takes a full 3 months or more to change a habit or way of thinking, or relational pattern. All three have to work together - the behaviour, thinking and way of relating. Iirc, the love dare only focuses on the behaviour, and maybe a little on the motive (your heart has to be in it).

Second, it is impractical for most people to do everything the way they spell it out - especially as a daily thing. I think it would be much more practical (and maybe not come across as a last-ditch, desperate attempt) if the days were turned into weeks. Iow, using one concept per week rather than per day. This stretches it out, and allows for a little more spontaneity, and allows for more room for other, more genuine loving to take place between them. It is a longer-term change in attitude and behaviour, and provides more room for the other spouse to soften their heart and respond positively to the change. After all, often by the time one starts the love dare, one of them has one foot out the door (or a hardening heart).

I do think that taking those concepts and ideas can be effective, given more time. After all, the concepts and ideas in the book are good ones for reconnecting and honouring each other. It sure can't hurt a marriage to try it - especially when it looks like things might be headed for trouble. But like I said earlier, there is a tipping point.... before the point, I'd think my husband is making an honest attempt, so it's worth it to work on it; after the point, I'd think my husband is making a desperate last-ditch attempt to keep me (but by then I'd be questioning his sincerity).

 

[WolfGate]

I don't think the Love Dare took off the way the authors wanted it to, and the movie comes across as a little (okay, a lot) cheesy.

Often when marriages seem to be in trouble, there are reasons - one of the reasons is that they turn away from each other rather than towards each other. I think this is what was presented in the movie - the wife was feeling neglected by her husband, and she started to respond to the doctor's interests.

The husband noticed the distance and wanted to work on it before it drove them all the way apart, but she was unwilling to work on it. So rather than beg her not to leave, etc (which is what some people do), he took deliberate steps to correct the very thing that drove them apart: he started paying positive attention to her and showing her that he cared. The wife responded positively to what appeared to her as a genuine attempt at change on his part.

Imo, there is a "tipping point" for each marriage. If that tipping point is still far enough away, following things like the 40 day love dare might be effective....but I have my doubts. First, it takes a full 3 months or more to change a habit or way of thinking, or relational pattern. All three have to work together - the behaviour, thinking and way of relating. Iirc, the love dare only focuses on the behaviour, and maybe a little on the motive (your heart has to be in it).

Second, it is impractical for most people to do everything the way they spell it out - especially as a daily thing. I think it would be much more practical (and maybe not come across as a last-ditch, desperate attempt) if the days were turned into weeks. Iow, using one concept per week rather than per day. This stretches it out, and allows for a little more spontaneity, and allows for more room for other, more genuine loving to take place between them. It is a longer-term change in attitude and behaviour, and provides more room for the other spouse to soften their heart and respond positively to the change. After all, often by the time one starts the love dare, one of them has one foot out the door (or a hardening heart).

I do think that taking those concepts and ideas can be effective, given more time. After all, the concepts and ideas in the book are good ones for reconnecting and honouring each other. It sure can't hurt a marriage to try it - especially when it looks like things might be headed for trouble. But like I said earlier, there is a tipping point.... before the point, I'd think my husband is making an honest attempt, so it's worth it to work on it; after the point, I'd think my husband is making a desperate last-ditch attempt to keep me (but by then I'd be questioning his sincerity).

I tend to agree with this. I thought the situation in the movie was more dire than what the prescription could cure. And the timeframe needed to be longer.

is a lot of it common sense? I think so. But I've seen enough marriage troubles to understand that, when it comes to things as emotional as marriage, common sense isn't all that common. Sometimes things that seem obvious to those outside have to be taught.

 

[akmom]

I actually really liked the movie. I found it very realistic in terms of what it takes to make a marriage work, and I think it's one that Christian couples should watch (whether they're on the rocks or not). I'm curious how many commenters have actually seen the movie. I don't think it's being portrayed accurately in this thread.

The husband character wasn't trying to save the marriage by reversing his behavior. (He had some flaws, but the way he treated her wasn't fundamentally terrible anyway. Did anyone who watched the movie think it was?) He did the Love Dare as a favor to his dad, not his wife. And when he finally put his heart into it, it wasn't for the purpose of rescuing the marriage. He was just showing unconditional love because it is the right thing to do. That was the point. Marriage restoration was just the natural result.

I found the wife to be the greater at-fault character. In my opinion she was the bigger jerk. ("Oh, I ate the last bagel and there's no more food in the house. Sucks to be you." Who does that?? I wouldn't do that to my dog!) She acted like her need for attention was more important than his responsibilities at work, which in my opinion is really immature. Of course a fireman might not come home for dinner on time if someone's house went up in flames! Geez girl, learn to be flexible. A little supportiveness (and later on, common courtesy) isn't so much to ask. Her expectations for the relationship were a little selfish. (You can't save up any money for something you want. Buy your own groceries since you miss dinner too often. I'm gonna flirt with this guy cuz I'm mad at my husband.)

 

[MessianicMommy]

I've seen it twice, for whatever that's worth.

 

[mkgal1]

I saw the movie, but I was responding mostly to this in the OP:

I was just wanting to ask if any of the more seasoned married couples on here ever used Fireproof to mend a problem and what y'all thought of it's effectiveness.

 

[baileygirl3]

I enjoyed the movie and watched it when it first came out with DH...we tried the book (i hate to admit) just for fun back in the spring...we burned the book! It made things worse. We saw flaws and decided the book was not for us. I will never buy a marriage self help book again.Lol!

 

[Inkachu]

Never seen the movie and really don't want to. "Christian" movies - to me - tend to be extremely hokey with painfully bad acting and scripts.

So that's a no

 

[Hetta]

I just wonder if it would REALLY save a marriage that's about done and if it has saved anyone on here.

I tend to think it would take more than a book to save a marriage that was in serious trouble. At that point, one spouse alone, trying to be 'nice' to the other might be too little, too late. But I don't know for sure.