The Empty Dress

[LibraryOwl]

The Empty Dress

[font=Chancery Cursive, sans-serif]A tale by Carlton C. Powers[/font]


Here it is. Formatting might not be right, il fix it tommowrow morning. Still in progress, id like some feedback. The main conflict im having right now is between incorporating a christian message and the fear that im overdoing it and preaching to the reader. Feedbacks a big plus in your responses!

​

[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Nah, it's just not the right color." Tina decided.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"What are we gonna get for the dance then?" Kimberly asked.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Oh my gosh!" Jewel blurted out, eyes widening. "You girls have got to see this!" she said, her exitement swelling to its predictable high point.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]Kimberly and Tina walked across the store to see what she was so exited about.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Its perfect" Tina declared.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]Kimberly and Jewel agreed with Tina. After they finished shopping at ARO, they went to American Eagle, and then Hot Topic, and then A&F. Laden with about seven bags, they trunked on to the food court, where they each sat down. [/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Oh, no thanks, im on a deit." Jewel casually let aside. [/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]So Tina and Kimberly went to buy salads without her. They each came back with a small bowl of lettuce and vegetables, and started eating with their forks. Although Kimberly would'nt let it on, she was really angry with Jewel, because she knew that Jewel was just showing off to them before she went home and stuffed her face.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"So when's your grandfather coming to pick us up?" Kimberly asked Tina, who was staring at the silver ring her second boyfriend gave her.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Oh? " Jewel said, apparently unattentive. "He should be here after we're done."[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]Kimberly, who had just finished her salad, started staring at the boys walking towards the Dick's Sporting Goods. Tina noticed.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Which one do you think is the cutest?" Tina asked her.[/font]

[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Oh," Kimberly replied "definitely the tall one."[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]And the boy was tall, maybe six feet seven. He had a red T-shirt, and baggy jeans, his moppy smoothe blonde hair didn't move an inch when he walked.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Who are you kidding, its definately the well dressed one!" Tina said.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]And the boy was well dressed. Not the kind of Goodwill well dressed that most well dressed boys put on, but the real well dressed. The grey Armani sports jacket, and the pants with the ironing line that sent the fabic out six inches from the foot. His black hair was parted down the center.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]Before the girls could talk about other boys in the group, they all dissappeared into Dick's Sporting Goods.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"What about you, Jewel?" Tina asked, anticipating the answer.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]Jewel looked up from her book, "Oh, thats silly, I have a boyfriend..."[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]And as Kimberly said "Well we both have girlfriends and we can still look at guys!" it just seemed to giggle out of her mouth.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]But Tina cracked the glass. "Jewel, you've had five boyfriends, okay, and you only started dating when you were twelve."[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Well I only broke up with them because they were cheating on me, and Darin would never cheat on me."[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"What about that horrible girl I saw him flirting with?" Kimberly asked.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Darin would never cheat on me." Jewel confidently repeated.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Listen, Jewel, men are different from us, men are animals. If you want to connect with an animal, youve got to act like one, not be like one, but act like one." Tina asserted. "You have to show him that your a shopper too, not just an item in the store rack."[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Oh, Said Kimberly, "did you hear?"[/font]

[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Here what?" Tina asked.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"There opening a new store in the mall, its gonna sell religeious stuff.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Oh, you mean C28?" Jewel asked. She was an avid mall shopper[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Yeah, thats it" Tina replied. She loved how you could go to ,alls anywhere in the country and find the same stores.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Its time to go." Kimberly siad, looking at her watch. They all got up and confidently strutted out into the parking lot, right past the bell ringers for the salvation army. Tina out her bags down and waved as her grandfather pulled up in his classy blue car.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Get in, girls" he said.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Are we going to your house?" Kimberly asked.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]Tina's grandfather looked like that guy on canadian television. He had a checkered wool oxford button-up, and hokey jean suspenders. His clothing wasn't different from his brain one bit.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"I think we'll take the back rowd..."[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]The countryside in southern California shined like a fresh thin layer of gold dust is applied every few days. They were taking the back road. Kimberly and Tina could each point out the new mansions that dotted the landscape. Tina's grandfather noticed that Jewel was quiet.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Call em McMansions!" He chuckled. [/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Its really beautiful out here..." Jewel said, apparently regretting the decision not to come with Kimberly and Tina last summer.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Oap! Here we ah!" he exclaimed as the car pulled into the tree studded driveway of Hokeldy Manner. The building was about twice the size of the town hall back in Cape Elizabeth. It was built with dark grey stones.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Family bought it back in the 1800's, with gold rush profits." Tina's grandfather said. But he could tell the girls were getting bored, so he pulled up to the steps to let them in while he parked the car.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]Tina's step-father was there at the top of the steps, dressed in one of his business suits. He waved at the girls. As he rushed down the steps he asked "can I help you girls with your shopping bags?"[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Yeah" Tina said, "Grandpa's got them in the car, you can just put them in the library." Tins'a father walked off to obey her command.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Whats this one?" Kimberly asked as she pulled a dusty book from the shelves.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Sure looks old" Tina said[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Well it still looks like its in good condition" Kimberly snapped back.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Probobly hasnt been used in a while." Jewel offered up.[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Let me see it" Tina said, "I can read good."[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]Tina dusted off the front cover "it says: Holy Bibble[/font]




[font=Poor Richard, serif]"What a strange name for a book." Kimberly said, as[/font][font=Poor Richard, serif] she tossed it on the floor, next to Golivers Travels, [/font]
[font=Poor Richard, serif]Huckerbery Fenn and Pride and Preeningjuice[/font]



[font=Poor Richard, serif]"Time for dinner, girls!" Tina's mom hollered up.[/font]
​

 

[Storygirl394]

I think you're doing a nice job. Is there more to the story, or does it end here?

I'd suggest you flesh your characters out a little more... maybe develop each of the girls to be a little more different from each other. As it is, it almost feels like you could interchange their names, because they're all a lil stereo-typed. Maybe it'd pull you in a little more if you could identify the characters a little easier. Maybe more description in general.

As far as it being 'preachy' I think it takes an extremely talented storyteller to tell a story with spiritual meaning that you can understand, yet camoflage it in a way that you understand, but can't put your finger on as 'preachy'.

I liked the description you put in about their drive from the mall and the driveway to the mansion... Keep working on it!

 

[puttytat190]

keep going !

 

[LibraryOwl]

Oh my gosh! I had totally forgotten about this story. Got a lot of great writing on it done after this post, but I abandoned it. Despite the quality of some of the passages and dialouges and decriptions, I had no idea where it was going.

Wow! Thanks for reading my story, I jsut saw this pop-up on the decriptions list. Happy Easter!

 

[LibraryOwl]

Being as it appears that either of you might actually be interested in reading my story, I have posted the rest of the draft text below. Font size and ornamentations have been removed. Although that format was easy on you eyes, this is about six or seven pages of text at 16-point poor richard.

"Lot of history in this heeah house" Tina's grandfather said. "Used to be the meetin' place for the Lutherans before they built a church.​

​

"Whats a Lutheran?" Kimberly asked​

​

"Well," Tina's grandfather took a moment to let his New England pause sink in, "a Lutheran-"​

"Its a religion." Tina's father said, apparently intent on not talking about this in front of the girls, as though religion might somehow bring more trouble to his house.​

​

Tina's grandparents both stopped the clanking of thiner utensils for a second. Her grandmother was staring at the table, trying not to threaten anyone. Her grandfather was stiff necked like a Maine moose, staring at his son. Then, he apparently decided it wasn't worth it, and majestically reared his stiff neck, setting his eyes on other prey. He dug his fork into the steak that was in front of him.​

​

"So what are you girls politically?" Tina's grandmother asked, apparently trying to cover all the controversial topics in one, big dinner table disaster, as though this would prevent future, little dinner table disasters. ​

​

"Tina works for the animal shelter in Portland." Her mother said.​

​

"Oh, but I don't get involved with politics" Tina said​

​

"Neither do I, too much to think about." Kimberly said. "But I do care about saving animals and the environment." She asserted​

​

"So do I." said Jewel. "Thats why I work with the Green Party in Biddeford."​

​

"Oh. Well we're Democrats" Tina's grandmother replied to the girls.​

​

"What about you, son, they got a new plan to divide up the world at the RNC?"​

​

"Its about the taxes, dad, not the social agenda." Tina's father defended himself. "I don't like having to pay the government my taxes."​

​

"Oh, I like the social agenda." Tina's father snapped back. "Its your people that made the Republican party the bad guys. All they want is tax cuts, don't care about the poor folks that get caught up in em!"​

​

"Can we be excused from the table?" Tina asked.​

​

"I think we've all had enough to eat." Tina's mother cheerfully said, as she stood up and took her dishes to the sink. Apparently everyone else was in agreement, but grandpa was still there, finishing his steak.​

​

"No point in wastin' it!" he said to his wife, who was asking if he wanted to join her and the adults in the living room. "Im not gonna waste it!"​

​

"Come on!" Tina said, watching the adults file into the living room, "lets go outside." The girls didn't bother to argue. The land around the manor was well kept, with trees periodically dotting the shaded grass. "You guys should see the back. Theres this big tree we can sit under."​

​

“I don't want to get my skirt dirty.” said Kimberly​

“But last summer we used to sit there all the time!” Tina reposted


“We could sit in the gazebo.” Jewel proposed.


“Yeah, whatever.” Kimberly said. Tina became visibly huffy at the dualistic bait and switch which had been levied against her. This group was not a democracy. Besides, she knew that everyone had plenty of other clothes back in the house.


So they walked to the gazebo.


“Its really pretty out here” said Jewel. And it was. The white gazebo seemed to reflect all sunlight. The grass was a listen green pasture. The lake was sparkling blue and white. There were hills and trees and mountains and mansions everywhere. It was enough to make a starving child in New York City throw up in his sleep. To think that people were living like this. But why bother thinking? They didn't need to do that.


“Did you see that dress at the mall?” Jewel asked. It was the light white one, the one that was nearly transparent in the thinness of its fabric. It dipped in all those places that revealed a womans flesh, but it still met the formal dress code. It was five hundred dollars.


“Yeah, I did. Im gonna get it for the dance!” Kimberly said.


“I am so gonna get it for the dance!” Tina said.


“You know its my dress!” Jewel trumped. “Im going to wear it for my boyfriend.”


“I've had an epiphany!” Tina said. The girls turned their heads to her, raptly attendt. “We're all going to buy the dress. We can each get one in different colors!” This was a great idea.


“Yeah!” Jewel said.


“Thats a great idea!” Kimberly added. “We should go to the mall again tomorrow!”


“But then we'll have to put makeup on again...” Jewel said. as if this was the end of the world for her, and it was the end, when it meant spending forty minutes of your day.


“Thats okay” Tina assured her. “I love putting on makeup!”


Kimberly laughed, but when she realized she was the only one laughing, she stopped, like a warrior who realizes a swords in his chest. "Lets go inside..." she said, meekly.


"Experts estimate that eight thousand people a day die from AIDS-related complications." Channel 32, PBS


"Government help unavailable for the victims of hurricane Huey." Chanel 33, CNN


"Were going to tell you about a man who murdered his pregnant wife, and help up a bank. The catch is that he is the CEO of a major fortune 500 company!"


"Dad!" Tina shouted. But her Grandfather walked into the room instead. "Which channel is MTV on?"


"Oh, I don't watch the TV much..." he said. So he was clearly of no use. He walked on, presumably continuing on to where he had been headed before.


Tina flicked off the TV. If it had nothing to offer her,than she wanted nothing to do with it. Kind of like Jewel.


"What do we do now?" Jewel asked?


"Well, dad says we can't go to the mall until seven, so that leaves twenty minutes." Tina reminded her.


So the girls looked at eachother. They just kind of sat there for a minute.


"I think we should go to the library again!" Kimberly happily said. Tina must have been really bored, because she didn't even bother to object. She might have hijacked the suggestion by adding to it, but she didn't do that either.


The girls walked out of the living room, and down the halls. The stuffy library was on the left. It was small, but nobody could hear them talking, and Grandpa would always clean up any books they left around.


"Look at this one!" Kimberly said, apparently further off the edge of her curiosity.


"Its a boy!" Tina joked, mocking Kimberly's enthusiasm.


"Actually," Kimberly said, "it's called: 'The Feminine Mystique"


"Ooo, ahh, mystique!" Jewel said, apparently bored.


"Read it. Read something it says!" Tina asked, or rather commanded, it was sort of the same thing when you were dealing with her. She had a carrot/stick personality, but you only got half the carrot.


"Okay." Kimberly said. She flipped to a random page, and looked for something good to say. "If I have only one life, let me live it as a blond,' a larger-than-life-sized picture pro claimed from newspaper, magazine and drugstore ads. And across the America, three out of ten women dyed their hair blond. They ate a chalk called Metrecal, instead of food, to shrink to the size of the thin young models. Department-store buyers reported that American women, since 1939, had become three and four sizes smaller. 'Women are out to fit the clothes, instead of vice versa,' one buyer said."


"Yeah, but thats not true today" Tina Said. Then, she turned her eyes towards Jewel in some sort of sick glare, and she said "I eat whenever I want to eat."

 

[puttytat190]

I like it but u need to add "" in your update.I can tell they are talking but it might get confusing later.