the desirablity factor

[Nico]

i'm curious about 3 "desirability factors" and wether they affect how much you want to be w/someone or not really at all.

1. everyone else wants her/him
do you like a person more if they seem to be going on a lot of dates and it seems as though a lot of people want to date that person? i say seems, b/c the girl or guy could be telling you they have all these dates when they don't or they could be just friends, etc. but that's not important. what's impt. is that it appears that they are well desired

2. the "i'm not available" factor
do you like a person more if they're a little bit harder to catch? not so readily available?

3. the jealousy factor
maybe ties in to #1. also applies to when you're already kinda dating. do you desire them more if exes come back into their life saying he/she made a mistake, or you know that guys/girls still ask her/him out?

just curious

 

[white dove]

I like it when a guy's abit harder to 'catch'..heh, that's half the fun, no?

oh and I did say 'abit' don't wanna have to pull a hamstring to get the guy

 

[Out of the Flames]

Not one of those 3 factors into my desire of a person at all. I'm not always readily available anymore, so it's just irritating to me to have to coordinate my schedule to be with someone I don't have any sort of relationship with. To me, those factors are part of a game- you play your best to overcome those obstacles and when you do, you win. But I've seen so many people get bored once they've won. And I'm not really a game player. I'd rather have it come together without having to realign planets, or not at all.

 

[gjeste]

Not one of those 3 factors into my desire of a person at all. I'm not always readily available anymore, so it's just irritating to me to have to coordinate my schedule to be with someone I don't have any sort of relationship with. To me, those factors are part of a game- you play your best to overcome those obstacles and when you do, you win. But I've seen so many people get bored once they've won. And I'm not really a game player. I'd rather have it come together without having to realign planets, or not at all.

Why wouldnt you want to coordinate your schedule in order to be with someone that you are attracted to?
I know that if they were down with it (going on a date) I'd be willing to reorganize my time.

Its hard to get to know someone better, unless you arrange time to spend with them aside from the time when you see them at work, church, etc. (whereever it is you know them from)
And usually when you do this, its called a "date" or an "implied date". Therefore, I think dating is necessarily if you ever want to get to know someone well enough in order to buildup a relationship with them.

I mean you might get to know someone well enough at work or something, depending on the situation. But still, I want a bigger selection for a mate than the folks at my workplace! lol. Therefore I think that you need expand your horizons and be willing to "date" people, if you want to find someone that you truly like.

 

[Out of the Flames]

Why wouldnt you want to coordinate your schedule in order to be with someone that you are attracted to?
I know that if they were down with it (going on a date) I'd be willing to reorganize my time.

Also how are you going to build a romantic relationship with someone, if one of your requirements is that you already have some sort of relationship with them in the first place?

Its not easy to sample whats out there, if you're not willing to put aside some time to get to know someone better.


Its hard to get to know someone better, unless you arrange time to spend with them aside from the time when you see them at work, church, etc. (whereever it is you know them from)

I'm not talking about making time for dating or socializing. I do plenty of that already. I'm talking more about uprooting my life to try to get together with someone that's as hard to corner as me, simply because I find them attractive. That's a lot of effort for someone that may or may not be worth it when it come down to personality and compatibility (or lack thereof).

And you should know very well if you read any of my other posts that I don't subscribe to the "I must be friends before I date a person" thing. Not my style in any way shape or form. I've met people off the internet on a whim for coffee for crying out loud. I've dated a few of them and some have become good friends. And there was pretty much no relational basis prior to that, let me tell you.

My issue with the "desirability factor" is that, as I said before- it seems like a list of things to be conquered, like a relationship game of capture the flag or something. And I'm not going to play silly games going into a relationship. My relationships are based on common interests, compatible personalities, like mindedness, and then romantic attraction. The aforementioned desirability factors just tend to lead me in other directions. I won't chase someone already in a relationship. I won't pine over someone that won't meet me half way (nor would I expect them to do the same for me). And I'm not insecure enough to be jealous if someone I'm dating still speaks to or sees their ex on occassion. I do not have a problem cutting my losses if they can't get over the ex, though.

 

[KeilCoppes]

1. everyone else wants her/him
2. the "i'm not available" factor
3. the jealousy factor
just curious

You know, Nico, they're pretty much undesireability factors in my case, I suppose because of their basis. For me they all echo elements of coveting - and wanting what I don't have because I don't have it or because someone else wants it. An alternative is

1. They're admirable
2. They're striving for purity
3. They're open and honest

 

[waterbear]

i'm curious about 3 "desirability factors" and wether they affect how much you want to be w/someone or not really at all.

1. everyone else wants her/him
do you like a person more if they seem to be going on a lot of dates and it seems as though a lot of people want to date that person? i say seems, b/c the girl or guy could be telling you they have all these dates when they don't or they could be just friends, etc. but that's not important. what's impt. is that it appears that they are well desired

Nope, I prefer they aren't going on any other dates (fewer the better).

That something is popular can sometimes backfire with me too, humor, cooking, most learned abilities, I don't think are relevant dating criteria... but most people do - so I'll prefer someone who is not funny, can't cook etc. to someone who can (only if all relevant criteria were equal though!).

2. the "i'm not available" factor
do you like a person more if they're a little bit harder to catch? not so readily available?

No, I prefer a more honest approach.

3. the jealousy factor
maybe ties in to #1. also applies to when you're already kinda dating. do you desire them more if exes come back into their life saying he/she made a mistake, or you know that guys/girls still ask her/him out?

just curious

Would prefer she has no exes. If she does, I'd rather they disappeared off the face of the Earth (not dead of course ).

 

[wvmtnkid]

You know, Nico, they're pretty much undesireability factors in my case, I suppose because of their basis. For me they all echo elements of coveting - and wanting what I don't have because I don't have it or because someone else wants it. An alternative is

1. They're admirable
2. They're striving for purity
3. They're open and honest

I'd pretty much have to agree with Keil. I don't desire someone because everyone else does or they are playing hard to get. Actually playing hard to get doesn't set well with me. If you are hard to get, then someone else can have you, in my book. If you want to spend time with me, then spend time with me, don't play games about it. And if I know they are seeing someone else, that's an indication to me that I don't need to be involved with them either. Having someone in my life is one instance I don't believe in sharing!

 

[Stanfi]

You know, Nico, they're pretty much undesireability factors in my case, I suppose because of their basis. For me they all echo elements of coveting - and wanting what I don't have because I don't have it or because someone else wants it. An alternative is

1. They're admirable
2. They're striving for purity
3. They're open and honest

I think I will pretty much have to agree with Keil as well. Having to jump through hoops for someone is not fun. I do not like someone who is not willing to be open and honest, as I feel that it just adds to a lot of confusion, and I don't need that. I'm not a dog that does tricks, or that can be led around on a string, and I don't want to be treated like one.

 

[JohnnyV]

I do not think that any of those choices factor into me wanting to be with someone.
I do not really like playing games or chasing girls.
The last one is especially hard to deal with. If the exs start coming back around and all that, I usually bow out & if she wants me then she knows where I am. I can be a jealous guy at times , which I am not proud of and am trying to work on, so I just let the woman decide who she wants. If its me then great if its the ex, then did I realy want to be with someone who was still hung up on another?

 

[Nico]

i was also thinking about this dating thing, and different and similar ways/approaches, what have you, by men and women. and i began to wonder if men actually do wish to do some persuing--sort of that valient, go get your princess sort of thing. i was wondering, if innately men want a little bit of a challenge, to prove their worth, etc.

and of course, as Keil you mentioned, there's also the wanting what you can't have. which i agree, i don't really like, but despite liking that feeling or not, do you find that you sometimes desire a little bit more that thing that you can't so easily have?

sometimes i wonder, if you see something (or rather someone) that you want, but they're a little bit harder to get, will you invest a little more to try and "win" them, and in actuality, if that person is worthwhile, that investment could be a positive force in the relationship.

don't really know. i hate games too.

oh, also, one other thing. i was dating this guy. unfortunately i was really depressed @ the time, and i showed him all the facets of me and my personality and the stuff i was going through. i let him see the worst of me early on. i didn't play the game, i let him see me at my lowest confidence (usually a turn-off early on in the dating scenario), i let him see my questioning mind that confuses me and everyone else, i let him see all my faults from the getgo and, well it didn't do so well for the relationship. so i guess that in the beginning of dating, i feel as though you have to put on a mask and put your best side forward, b/c people find the worst of you hard to deal w/early on.....

 

[Tuffguy]

I like girls that have friends and are a little harder to 'get'. I think its because i don't just date anyone,, i'm really picky so i think that almost anyone that i would date would have othe guys knocking on her door. That doesn't bother me at all, as long as she dismisses them and makes it clear shes w/me. If she doesn't do that i'm simply not going to date her. I woun't take second place to any other guys. Its all about respect. I don't want 10 other guys thinking they have a shot at my girl. If they do, shes the one thats doing something wrong.

 

[gjeste]

Nico,

I dont like it when girls even try to play "a little hard to get"
I would prefer it if they just related to me regularly and expressed their interest in me, if its there.
Now of course, sometimes it takes awhile to get to know someone, before you decide that you like them, but I think that this is different from "playing hard to get"

By the way, if I see a girl that a lot of other guys are approaching, I am usually kinda intimidated. But if I'm really interested in her and think I have a chance, I might still pursue her.


I dont like people who put on their 'goodie mask' when I first meet them. Its one thing to try to be a positive person, and try to present the positive things about yourself before the negatives, but the moment you start trying to hide your weaknesses, then I think something is wrong.

There has to be a balance between presenting yourself in a positive light, but being real at the same time and not hiding your weaknesses.

 

[KeilCoppes]

i let him see all my faults from the getgo and, well it didn't do so well for the relationship. so i guess that in the beginning of dating, i feel as though you have to put on a mask and put your best side forward, b/c people find the worst of you hard to deal w/early on.....

Perhaps an alternate thought - rather than wearing a mask that isn't you, or dumping the rawest parts of yourself on someone, perhaps work on managing yourself and what you share when? The pendulum swings back and forth. Rather than trying to sell someone on a relationship as a sales pitch, you may have to feel your way into it - as you get closer you can share more. And of course, even when you're married, dumping your guts on your husband immediately when he gets home may not be a good thing and vice-versa for him. You'll probably have to work together to give a small peice of shelter to one another and bear with one another. Honest, yes, but some self restraint is a good thing. This is of course not to say that you don't grow to share each other's deepest thoughts and feelings, but that growth takes time and even then consideration is important.

Showing someone that they don't have to carry everything about you all the time is a good thing, as is their being willing to help you carry things.

 

[invisiblebabe]

All of those would make me NOT want someone.... One, I hate competition. Two, if someone isn't reciprocating or making enough of an effort, I don't want 'em. Three, if a guy has no exes, awesome The fewer the better... and any still hanging around would likely scare me off.