the depressed mind

[wonderwoman]

Tired of these constant interruptions. Right now i'm back in "the hole"....(depressed episode). i had 5 months of what seemed to be remission...no highs or lows. That is the longest i've gone in a long time. I was just starting to join the human race again, when all of a sudden, the familiar bleakness crept back in. It is a terrible thing to distrust your own mind. I see this stranger take my place and she is inert, cold, numb, hopeless, worthless, ugly, apathetic, dissillusioned, cowardly and broken-hearted. I look for G-d, but he seems but an illusion. i won't leave my house....it seems i'll be exposed....the world goes on living, a mockery. I lament what could have been and what i once was. Where is this girl full of promise in her heart?....a mind teeming with hope, passion and imagination or was that just false...just a manic delusion? How long have i been this way? Who is the real me? no one understands, my mother sees me as an invalid...is ashamed, others simply think me lazy or weak or feel pity. i want nothing and care for nothing. The dread, the boredom and my dead heart is always before me. i don't have the guts to end it all and know better than to medicate with substances, so i am left with surviving....riding out the death of spirit until i return to my right mind...but what's the point?....it'll all start all over again. i have diminished into this thing i loathe..a useless and pathetic shell.....i have become but a shadow...a shadow of a star that fell long ago ---------waiting for the next sheet of darkness to smother the last shard of flickering light.

 

[KleinerApfel]

Ahh, I know, I understand, I guess all of us here do...we all understand a little of each other's pain yet there's something unique for each of us too, a part of our suffering that is for each one alone, unreachable, inexplicable.

I'm sorry you're so low, and all I can say is hold on, and know...know regardless of feeling...that God has hold of you even though you can't find Him to hold on. It's all we can do sometimes - just be, and wait.

The other thing is - maybe you are improving overall even though you've dipped just now? Your last remission was your longest for a while - maybe the next will be even lonmger, maybe remission will become your dwelling place one day soon. I pray it will be so.

I wonder if you ever write poetry or devotionals or anything? Your post shows me you're a writer, gifted with words. Make them work for you however you can, to vent or to comfort yourself. You will touch others as you write too.

Good to meet you, God bless you,
Sue x

 

[wonderwoman]

i see her face white as snow sink beneath the frozen pond.
the red caravan is gone now
one child's balloon now lost snaking to the stars
all the shutters drawn
the parade has passed
dust trod prints on lonely roads
the moths care not of their singed wings if only for the promise of the moon.

 

[wonderwoman]

Oh rose thou art sick
the invisible worm has found out thy bed of crimson joy
and his dark secret love
doth thy life destroy.
(William Blake)

 

[wonderwoman]

It's dark in here
it is safe
i've surrounded my bed with sheer curtains
placed tiny christmas lights on a mirror like a net
i lay here in my shame....in hiding from the scorn of all the world
but i cannot escape my mind, my thoughts, this pressure in the center of my chest
it is like a searing weight
or a well, damp, endless....myself always sinking into something cold and bottomless
i don't remember how to find words that once i owned
i can't remember what i just read
the days are no longer days but a molten ball of passing time
i have atrophied, no longer human
i have drawn the shades
there is this box with moving pictures...it is here that i escape to....away from the dread dark thoughts. it is where i could forget for a while until boredom robs me and delivers me into the hands of anxiety.

 

[Jeshu]

Tired of these constant interruptions. Right now i'm back in "the hole"....(depressed episode). i had 5 months of what seemed to be remission...no highs or lows. That is the longest i've gone in a long time. I was just starting to join the human race again, when all of a sudden, the familiar bleakness crept back in. It is a terrible thing to distrust your own mind. I see this stranger take my place and she is inert, cold, numb, hopeless, worthless, ugly, apathetic, dissillusioned, cowardly and broken-hearted. I look for G-d, but he seems but an illusion. i won't leave my house....it seems i'll be exposed....the world goes on living, a mockery. I lament what could have been and what i once was. Where is this girl full of promise in her heart?....a mind teeming with hope, passion and imagination or was that just false...just a manic delusion? How long have i been this way? Who is the real me? no one understands, my mother sees me as an invalid...is ashamed, others simply think me lazy or weak or feel pity. i want nothing and care for nothing. The dread, the boredom and my dead heart is always before me. i don't have the guts to end it all and know better than to medicate with substances, so i am left with surviving....riding out the death of spirit until i return to my right mind...but what's the point?....it'll all start all over again. i have diminished into this thing i loathe..a useless and pathetic shell.....i have become but a shadow...a shadow of a star that fell long ago ---------waiting for the next sheet of darkness to smother the last shard of flickering light.

Hi dear, good to see you back, sorry to hear you are hurting.

Please understand that remission is just another term for saying you are forced to listen to misery again.


Mostly I stay sick, fluctuating - where I'm going better or where I'm down the dumps again.

I learned to sow the good seed in my good/manic times - always thanking God for the good I receive, whenever, wherever and seeking my good to share with those put on my path.

I learned that praying for those worse of than yourself when down is a very powerful survival technique and brings much added benefit looking outside of yourself, instead of being forced to be totally obsessed with oneself all the time, keeping us in our negativity.

Doing good when good is not present is the best way to drive no good away!

I hope you will be encouraged.