I just recently relapsed after 18 months clean and sober. The people that love me understand why because of the circumstances surrounding my life at the time but you know what? I don't understand. They forgive me but I don't forgive myself yet. I finally asked for God's forgiveness and was willing to receive it. John 16:24 says "...ask and receive that your joy may be full." I can ask for forgiveness but I wasn't receiving it so I didn't feel or think any better until I let myself receive His forgiveness..
I have a month clean now and am slowly getting my head cleared but I still have some darkness in me. Let me tell you, this past month has been one of the worst I've had. I have had so much depression that I don't want to leave the house unless forced to, like getting groceries. Without telling what drug it is (because I don't want to influence cravings in others, I know we are all at different stages of recovery), but this drug literally takes me face to face with Satan and I am putting myself around his workers. These people are doing the devils work and Im putting myself right in the middle of it. I dont even enjoy the high anymore. Its a way to not have any emotions, a complete escape from my thoughts and the reality of life. Its dark and you dont smile. You dont laugh. You dont sit still and you dont lift your head up.
Coming off of a relapse is filled with anxiousness, depression, guilt, shame, anger, a feeling of very low self-esteem and hopelessness. I have separated myself from God and it feels bad, real bad. I have such a thick block separating me from the Lord when I come off a relapse. I feel full of darkness and it just won't go away yet. It takes a couple weeks for me to even say hello to God. And then a little longer to even open my bible and repent and ask for forgiveness (yet again). I wonder if God ever gets tired of forgiving me for the same sin over and over? God knows my heart and He knows if I truly am remorseful for my actions or not. The bible talks about being in hell is a total separation from God. Its not just burning in fire for eternity but a separation from God for eternity. I have experienced this separation and still feeling some of it but its nothing compared to what that separation must feel like to those in hell.
The bible also says that NOTHING can separate Gods love from us. But we can separate ourselves from Him, through our choices, our decisions, the way we live.
I have a month clean now and am slowly getting my head cleared but I still have some darkness in me. Let me tell you, this past month has been one of the worst I've had. I have had so much depression that I don't want to leave the house unless forced to, like getting groceries. Without telling what drug it is (because I don't want to influence cravings in others, I know we are all at different stages of recovery), but this drug literally takes me face to face with Satan and I am putting myself around his workers. These people are doing the devils work and Im putting myself right in the middle of it. I dont even enjoy the high anymore. Its a way to not have any emotions, a complete escape from my thoughts and the reality of life. Its dark and you dont smile. You dont laugh. You dont sit still and you dont lift your head up.
Coming off of a relapse is filled with anxiousness, depression, guilt, shame, anger, a feeling of very low self-esteem and hopelessness. I have separated myself from God and it feels bad, real bad. I have such a thick block separating me from the Lord when I come off a relapse. I feel full of darkness and it just won't go away yet. It takes a couple weeks for me to even say hello to God. And then a little longer to even open my bible and repent and ask for forgiveness (yet again). I wonder if God ever gets tired of forgiving me for the same sin over and over? God knows my heart and He knows if I truly am remorseful for my actions or not. The bible talks about being in hell is a total separation from God. Its not just burning in fire for eternity but a separation from God for eternity. I have experienced this separation and still feeling some of it but its nothing compared to what that separation must feel like to those in hell.
The bible also says that NOTHING can separate Gods love from us. But we can separate ourselves from Him, through our choices, our decisions, the way we live.
Hang in there because that darkness will leave soon. Pray to receive more strength and you can overcome ANYTHING and EVERYTHING with Christ. And God never gets tired of forgiving us, because he knows we are only human. But thats not an excuse for us to repeat those actions. If you ever need to talk, you can PM me 
