Temper tantrums

[water_ripple]

Also, at some point you will have to deal with your children lying to you. I know a woman who would not punish her children for disobeying, if they told her that they had done it. This she said, was to promote telling the truth. However, all this taught them was that they could do whatever they wanted without consequences. I suggest that you have a punishment for the disobeydience and one for the lying. Then, if they are truthful and come to you and tell you what they've done, they avoid one punishment, but are still disceplined for the rebellion.

This is one thing I absolutely abhorr. I myself avoid this like the plague. I hate to be lied to, and my children will face consequences for this. This for me would be a spanking offense and a period of grounding...even if I tell a "white lie" which in itself is a lie I am eaten by guilt and usually end up telling the truth. Hopefully, by my example my children will come to know lies as intolerable. It is my ultimate responsiblity as their parent to teach them the difference. My 2 yr old has not recieved the ability for deception as of yet. I will ask did you spill your drink, and she will say yes. Then I will make her clean it up to the best of her ability as an early lesson that one is accountable for their own actions. I also reinforce my place as the example by pointing out that something is wrong and helping her find solution. I think it is important to start early.

One more thing, make sure that your children know that forgiveness is a decision and not a feeling. When you forgive, you make a descision to forgive. It has nothing to do with how you feel. You can, actually make yourself forive others and this tends to take away at least most of the anger and resentment. We were never allowed to get away with, "But I don't forgive her, I'm still mad" because we were taught that forgiveness is a decision of the heart. And the same thing goes for repentance.

IMO forgiveness and feelings are intertwined. I view forgiveness in a way that is complete with no angry feelings. I do not however, think that one should forget lessons learned. When my child has done something wrong she knows it. If it is a safety offense a spanking is given. If it is a tantrum she gets a time-out. If it is an agressive act towards another she gets a spanking and a time-out. After her punishment she usually always seeks the forgiveness of others in the form of a hug and kiss. She doesn't yet have the capability for full communication. She seeks forgiveness with love, and forgiveness with love is true. I am trying to teach her the way in which God forgives, and that my friend is with love. I myself have asked for her forgiveness when I have yelled at her out of my own frustration.

This is simply my way of doing things and is not meant to criticize the methods of others.

Every child is different.

 

[straightforward]

I don't have much time to write but I wanted to mention Cynthia Tobias' book You_Can't_Make_Me. She has some killer insight into the mind of strong willed children (having been one and having taught for a lot of years).

My own daughter started throwing fits at a young age and it took me a long time ot figure her out - she just thinks differently than my other two. Fit throwing at any age is wrong! If only I'd figured her out earlier LOL so much time wasted with screaming and yelling and time outs.

I have heard her speaking about this book and it is on my (too long) list of books to pick up. All of my kids are different. My first child was really easy to repremand and he learned quickly because he was eager to please. I can't use much of what I used to discipline him on my two year old because he's the toughest one of the bunch. But I do agree with Cynthia Tobias about how God gave all of our kids attributes that can be directed toward a life of service to the Lord. I truely believe my youngest was given his strong-will for great things. Right now, with three older brothers, I think it is a matter of survival!

He definatly will not be the one to be pushed around or suckered into things by others. Yet, the coolest part about him is that for how strong he is (and he's big too) he's a tenderhearted teadybear inside. Most books that I have read say that this is one of the most injoyable kinds of kids you can raise...if they don't tire you out too much!

On the subject of treating kids like they are equals...I totally agree. I heard once in the midst of all of this "being a friend to your kid" stuff that your kids don't need another friend...they already have those. What they need is a parent and there is no one else to fill that roll but you.

 

[Reformationist]

I agree, Water. And, Reformationist, I'm willing to bet that the kisses and hugs that you give your kids far outnumber the spankings.

Another point that I think is important to make is this: Don't hold a grudge over your child. If they do something wrong, explain to them why they're in trouble, punish them, and then FORGIVE them...move on. It really pains me when I see some parents who continue to remind their children how bad they were yesterday, or what a mess they made at breakfast that morning. As Reformationist mentioned a post or two ago, it's our responsibility to try and set a Godly example for them. Forgiveness!

Obviously, this post is directed at noone in particular in this forum...it's just something that I see from time to time and it troubles me to no end.

Love, Heather

This is a fantastic point Heather. Very nicely said.

Blessings to you!

God bless,
Don

 

[Reformationist]

I agree that our children are not our equals. They lack life experience to make appropratie decisions, and if they do not have an example to follow the results can be detremental. A child that does not recieve discipline and left to their own limited devices usually end up making bad decisions all their lives. If a child does not recieve discipline how in the world will they be aware of the consequences of complicated adult decisions? Trial and error? Yikes!

And possibly the line of thinking: well this behavior has hurt people in the past, but I want (a shirt in a store as an example) now how can I go about it without suffering the consequences? IMO I think if one decides their child is their equal the parent could be setting the child up for failure. Children do not have the capacity for complicated decisions, and I think it's sad when some choose not to govern their children. I want my children to have a better life than I did, but refusing to discipline isn't the answer. Many times I was left to my own devices, and made bad decisions. I sufferd the consequences too, and even though I didn't like the thought of being told what to do I think perhaps they should've made me. Sometimes I did things just to see how much I could get away with.

I do believe that our children have feelings of their own that are very important. I think it is important to consider the feelings of a child. I do not however feel that discipline should be witheld because of feelings. If they've made an error I feel it is my responsiblity to discipline the behavior by burden of example. I also think it is important to discipline with love and in the spirit of Christ.

IMO raising children is the most difficult task on earth and the most rewarding. It has brought a great joy into my life and I thank God that He has blessed me. Rasing kids (in my experience) has been quite the balancing act. I am a stay at home mom so I am with my kids a lot as well. I think discipline and love go hand in hand, and I care enough for my children to set an example. I am not perfect by any means: Sometimes a curse slips out, and I apologize...sometimes I will yell for no good reason except that I am angry, and I apologize. Sometimes I will have an adult temper tantrum, and I apologize.

Then I also reinforce my apology with a hug and a kiss.

This is simply my approach to parenting and does not in any way mean that I think others who approach differently are incorrect or unfit. Everybody is different and that's okay.

Weren't you the one who started this thread? It sounds to me like you already have all the answers to be a great parent.

You sound like you have a wonderfully balanced approach between discipline and affection. Nicely said and nicely done.

God bless,
Don

 

[Reformationist]

Allow me to add a semi-child's point of view.

Whenever any of the seven children (myself and my six siblings) disobeyed, on top of the punishment, my mom would always take us aside, individually, and help us to pray for forgiveness and then give us a hug afterward. This helped us to know that, although we were wrong and deserved to be punished, our mom loved us and we can always be forgiven by our heavenly Father.

Also, at some point you will have to deal with your children lying to you. I know a woman who would not punish her children for disobeying, if they told her that they had done it. This she said, was to promote telling the truth. However, all this taught them was that they could do whatever they wanted without consequences. I suggest that you have a punishment for the disobeydience and one for the lying. Then, if they are truthful and come to you and tell you what they've done, they avoid one punishment, but are still disceplined for the rebellion.

One more thing, make sure that your children know that forgiveness is a decision and not a feeling. When you forgive, you make a descision to forgive. It has nothing to do with how you feel. You can, actually make yourself forive others and this tends to take away at least most of the anger and resentment. We were never allowed to get away with, "But I don't forgive her, I'm still mad" because we were taught that forgiveness is a decision of the heart. And the same thing goes for repentance.

Well, I don't know if I helped anyone, but that's my opinion.
I like coming to this section of the forums to get ideas. I'm 19 and so I think a lot about being a mom and wife. It's nice to see what everyone says and to get new ideas for when I get the privilage of being a mommy and wife.

I wish I understood this when I was 19 as you seem to. That was extremely godly and biblically based advice. Thank you for sharing that. I try to pray with my children when they do something wrong but you have put a much more loving and godly emphasis on that aspect of it than I had. It has helped me quite a bit.

Thank you again,
God bless

 

[water_ripple]

Weren't you the one who started this thread? It sounds to me like you already have all the answers to be a great parent.

You sound like you have a wonderfully balanced approach between discipline and affection. Nicely said and nicely done.

God bless,
Don

Yeah I started this thread. I wanted other POV's. I am not perfect by any means. Sometimes I fail miserably, but I then seek forgiveness from my children and God. I am always trying to weigh the effects of discipline as to how Jesus would. Our babies are extremley precious to me. Our gifts from God. I hate the fact that they have to grow up in such a nasty world. I search for the grace of God while I raise my kids. I want them to know above anything that the love of God although it can come with consequences for one's actions is always there. I see myself as the one responsible for teaching this behavior and setting the example. I constantly weigh the consequences of my actions with my children. IMO raising kids is the most rewarding and difficult job out there. Sounds to me that you also constantly try and balance discipline with affection. (Thanx so very much for your kindness

) I find it helpful also with my personal walk with Christ. My children teach me more every day!

 

[Reformationist]

Yeah I started this thread. I wanted other POV's. I am not perfect by any means. Sometimes I fail miserably, but I then seek forgiveness from my children and God. I am always trying to weigh the effects of discipline as to how Jesus would. Our babies are extremley precious to me. Our gifts from God. I hate the fact that they have to grow up in such a nasty world. I search for the grace of God while I raise my kids. I want them to know above anything that the love of God although it can come with consequences for one's actions is always there. I see myself as the one responsible for teaching this behavior and setting the example. I constantly weigh the consequences of my actions with my children. IMO raising kids is the most rewarding and difficult job out there. Sounds to me that you also constantly try and balance discipline with affection. (Thanx so very much for your kindness

) I find it helpful also with my personal walk with Christ. My children teach me more every day!

Well, it sounds like you do a wonderful job and your children are lucky to have such a godly mother.

Thanks again for sharing your wisdom with the rest of us. You are truly an example for us all.

God bless,
Don

 

[highergrounds]

Hmm! my experience has always huanted me. My papa was one you could not look in the eyes. Spanking and abusing, ...what else... my sis and I seemed to be a hobby. As for household respon... it was for my mom. Well, I have forgiven him as He realised the embarrassment a few years back.

 

[Reformationist]

Hmm! my experience has always huanted me. My papa was one you could not look in the eyes. Spanking and abusing, ...what else... my sis and I seemed to be a hobby. As for household respon... it was for my mom. Well, I have forgiven him as He realised the embarrassment a few years back.

Uhhh...what????