Telling Christian family that I want out...

[LaurelLynn]

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[Zebra1552]

Why exactly should his parents get between you and him?


Why should the failures of the few or many reflect any failing of Christianity?

 

[salida]

I'm sorry that your not pleased with what you have seen at the church setting. Personally, christians are naturally disappointed when one doesn't attend church. Some churches have legalism in them and/or a christian country club- and this isn't true christianity. This is going through the motions only and not a real heart change. What do you mean by judgmental? Nonreligious and religious make judgments all the time - like what are they going to wear, etc. No one can judge a person to heaven or hell but God. Are you talking about legalism? Jesus isn't for this. Christianity is about being filled with the Holy Spirit and dying daily to our self and giving our selves to Christ.

Don't let his parents hurt your relationship. If your still not happy, be open with him - now will be better than later. Feel free to email me.

 

[LaurelLynn]

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[Zebra1552]

You haven't touched on why you want to leave church at all. It's just church, and they can't make you be a Christian. I might ask why he's dating someone who isn't sure whether or not they want to follow God if he's going to call himself a Christian. I also might ask why he hasn't noticed your hesitancy already.

 

[aiki]

I have been dating a wonderful man for about 3 years. I have never not believed in God but until I met him I did not attend Church nor was I a devout Christian (Which I was very up front and honest about when we met). The problem is: I want out. I am not happy being the dutiful Church girlfriend. I give Christianity shot after shot but time and again I find myself miserable.

The apostle James wrote:

James 2:19 (NKJV)
19 You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe--and tremble!

It is a good thing you believe that there is a God. Merely believing this, however, is doing nothing more than any demon does. They know who God is and what He desires and yet they work constantly in opposition to Him! The apostle James explains that real faith always results in a corresponding action. What behaviour of yours reflects your faith in God? And in what kind of God do you believe?

My boyfriend is a wonderful man, as is his family. His parents are very devout Christians and although they are good people I have sometimes seen something not so attractive about the way that they react over those who choose to stop going to Church.

Perhaps you don't see going to Church in the same way that they do. If they are genuinely born-again people, they will understand that the Church is not a building but the community of believers of which God has made them a part. They will know that a sign of genuine salvation is a desire to be in and serve the Church, the Body of Believers. For a professing Christian to walk away from the community of believers, there must be something very wrong either with the believer or with the Church (perhaps both). In any case, it is a command of God that His children be in community, in fellowship, with one another.

Hebrews 10:24-25 (NKJV)
24 And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works,
25 not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching. (Underline emphasis mine.)

It also bugs me the way that they tend to analyze and judge a person's actions after they stop going to church. Even if it is something that is not a big deal.

Disobeying any command of God is a big deal - for those who truly believe in Him.

They see me as family. They already consider me an eventual Daughter-in-Law so I am sure that they will take this as a pretty big deal. It is sad that I am truly scared to death of their reactions. Anyone with a similar experience that might be helpful?

You sound very much to me like someone who has no genuine relationship with God. You're just going through the motions of being a Christian without having that sweet fellowship with God that motivates obedience to His commands. It is no wonder, then, that you wish to withdraw from a group of people who actually do have such fellowship with God. Of course, the church itself may be out of whack, but you've given no hint of this in what you wrote.

Forgive me for being blunt, but I think you ought to be scared of their reaction! You have been deceiving them into thinking you are something you are apparently not: a Christian. How are these people who have opened their hearts to you not supposed to take your withdrawal from them badly? It seems quite appropriate to me that they should be upset by what you are intending to do.

Peace to you.

 

[Saint_Rita]

The bible clearly teaches Christians that we are not to be unequally yolked. Until VERY recently I was unequally yolked. I am a Christian and my DH was not.

I knew going in that my DH was not Christian and I was okay with that, but it was definitely something we struggled with for a good number of years.

I encourage you to be honest and upfront with him. Better to let him know now your feelings so that you are both on an even playing field.

I hope I'm not coming across as judgemental as that's not my intention. In any relationship communication is key. That fact that you recognize that his faith is a big deal to him is a wonderful thing! To ignore that though and to go on pretending or to just stop going cold turkey with no explanation will probably hurt him a great deal. I think however that communicating with him is the fair thing to do. You need not worry about his family's reaction at this point. What's most important now is what's going on between the two of you.

My husband and I had long discussions before marriage and my eyes were wide open going in knowing he was not a Christian. I was very candid about the fact that I was praying for him to receive Christ in his heart and have a renewal of faith, and he was aware that our church family was praying for him as well. He was comfortable with that. Not everyone is. But these are discussions you'll need to have if you both choose to continue on in your relationship together.

 

[bliz]

Tell him in person in a public place - coffee shop, for example. Tell him the truth - you stated it very well here. Have a letter prewritten to the family to leave with him. You don't need to go into as much detail with them as you do with the young man.

You have seen up-close-and-personal that Christians are not perfect or sinless. The failing is not in God, but in us.

 

[aiki]

jmbky 1:

I think you ought to read the forum rules. I have read two posts of yours now that are in violation of those rules. As far as I can tell, you are not a "Christian offering support to non-Christians."

I don't think she needs to be answered with bible passages right now. She wants advice on how to deal with her situation. She didn't ask to try to be guilt-tripped back into the religion she's already felt pressured to stay within. Your post is quite rude in my opinion.

Dealing with her situation, I believe, requires in part that she understand how she came to be in the situation in the first place. If she feels pressured to stay within a religion she rejects, it is because of relationship choices she has made that have not been entirely honest.

You are entitled to your opinion as I am to mine. We are not all obliged to answer the OP in the manner you think is best.

The sooner you come out with your feelings, the better. If they choose to dislike you because of it, then that just makes them hypocritical and judgmental. What ever happened to the old saying "only God can judge"?

Disliking her and disliking what she is doing are two different things. They may do the latter without doing the former.

You judged me when you said you thought my post was rude. Why now, then, are you denying the OP"s boyfriend and his parents the right to do the same? Why may you judge and they may not? What was that you were saying about hypocrisy...?

Peace.

 

[trentlogain2]

Well I'm assuming his parents know that you are an unbeliever, correct? Either case, I think you should tell your boyfriend exactly what you expressed here on the message board.

 

[razzelflabben]

I think you misunderstand. My boyfriend is very religious as well and I am most concerned with hurting him. I fear I cannot be the Christian wife he wants and I think it would be better to let him go and find someone who is. I would like for him to be happy. However, I am worried about his initial reaction, as well as his parents, toward my choice to stop going to Church. That sums it up.

I have not been in this situation, but the thought that keeps coming to mind for me is that you need to talk to him about it.

Here is the thing, there is a difference between followers of Jesus, the Christ and those who follow a religious belief. It sounds like some in this situation, maybe all (not mine to judge) are following a religious belief and attributing that as godliness. By talking about it first, (hard I know) you might introduce those in your life right now to the Jesus who transforms lives.

Just a thought for what it's worth.

 

[LaurelLynn]

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[aiki]

I have to say I find it very rude and I am insulted that you just assume that without knowing me.

My assumptions are based upon what you wrote. If there is more to the story that you haven't communicated, I can't be responsible for not knowing it.

Are you a Christian? If yes, how do you know that you are?

I never deceived them into thinking anything.

That's not what your posts have led me to believe. Apparently, your boyfriend and his family do not know that you have grown tired of their church and of trying to meet your boyfriend's expectations of a Christian woman and wife. If, as you went along, you were being completely honest with your boyfriend, wouldn't he already know that you feel this way? Your posts, however, indicate that neither he nor his family are aware of your unhappiness. How can this be if you've been totally up front with them?

I would never intentionally hurt them and this is something that I have struggled with for a while. I love them, and they are good people which is why I am concerned with how this affects them.

And rightly so. I think your concern speaks well of you.

I appreciate everything that they have EVER done for me, but that should not make me feel obligated to be in a situation that I have BECOME miserable in. I actually feel that I am doing what is best by him by letting him find somebody who can be what he needs and is more compatible.

To be objective - or as you see it, rude - it seems here that you're just trying to make yourself feel better about dumping your boyfriend. Telling yourself its for his sake that you're dumping him makes you seem quite generous and selfless, but, in truth, you would not be intending to end your relationship with him were you happy in it. It appears that it is your happiness that is fundamentally motivating your break up with him, not simply a desire to see your boyfriend happy.

Every heavy doubt, and every step that made me feel closer to God. He knew about it. I am still confused and figuring it out, but I don't want this to affect his spirituality as it means a lot to him. I don't want to be that person. So how dare you be so presumptuous to accuse me of being dishonest and deceitful.

See above. Again, I ask: If your boyfriend is fully aware of all that is going on within you, why is he not aware of your intention to end your relationship with him? How can you be so much in doubt about the relationship and he not know it? It is these questions that prompt me to think you haven't been as transparent as you may believe you've been.

I'm not simply pulling opinions out of the air, here. What comments I've made arise out of what you wrote. There is no arrogance on my part in this; just a desire to offer objective clarity in what seems to be a murky situation.

Peace to you.