Tell a joke...

[Melbelle]

Ok this is a funny thread lol. You have a funny joke lets hear it.

Hummm I have a knock knock joke anyone game for it?

Knock Knock...

 

[Melbelle]

bump!!!

 

[MeekOne]

Who's there....?

 

[7x7]

That was Soo funny!

 

[shari54]

Ok here is a long joke..

Frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this)

(Wait for it)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[Daisy_Chain]

o m g that's funny!

how do blonde brain cells die?



ALONE!

 

[Username:]

Is there a Santa Claus?
​

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

1. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
2. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

 

[Username:]

The New Christian and the old Christian




One day this young man was sitting out in the foyer reading his bible. A few seats down two older brothers in Christ were having a conversation about the pastors latest sermon. All of a sudden the young man screamed and hollered and let out a triumphant WOOOHOOOOOOOOO.

A few moments later after the two older christian had started up thier conversation once again the young man let out a triumphant WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

One of the older men turned to the young man and said

"ok son whats all the hooping and hollaring about."

The young man replied,

"Well the first woohoo was for how God finaaly got the Pharoh to release Moses and his people. The second Wooohoo was for how God parted the Red Sea to let his children escape the Pharohs army of thousands of chariots."

The Old man looked at the young man and said

"Well son most scholars now day believe that the Red sea was only about two or three feet deep at the part where Moses and His people crossed to escape the Pharoh."


The old man having said his peice went back to his conversation when all of a sudden the young man let out the most Triumphant WOOOHOO his voice could muster.

The old man just turned and said

"Now Whats Son??"

The Young man with a big smile on his face replied

"God just drowned and destroyed all Of Pharohs men and chariots in Two to Three feet of Water."