what do you do when your teens want to argue excessively? How do you teach your kids to talk nicely to each other. Any other moms who have kids that fight alot?
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teens talking back or arguing
- Thread starter faith177
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Hisrosebud
Well-Known Member
Hello,
I only have one teenager (17) but always have other teens around the house. Here is what I discovered;
1)Pre teens do a lot more talking back than older teens.
2)It is a natural developmental stage. Look, if our teens stayed cute and loving like they were at 3 years old we would never want them to leave! Our children would never grow up!
3) I REFUSE TO ARGUE WITH A CHILD OR TEEN. They will get you into a debate that will make you want to pull out your hair (or theirs!). When they raise their voice at me I no longer hear them. I just say, "you're yelling, I no longer can hear." They'll try to engage in a battle. I look at the clock. For as long as they are yelling, they owe me my time back. If I am being yelled at for 20 minutes, they owe me 20 minutes of time doing MY chores! period. And I don't tell them so while they are yelling because they will engage you in a battle. I totally ignore them.
4)Consistently discipline it. And I do it myself. I want them to know that I will not tolerate that kind of treatment. Others have their husbands do it but then when the husband is not around the kids are yelling.
5)Model it yourself. Teens don't need to be yelled at. You can teach, correct, discipline without yelling or name calling.
6)I never spank or hit an older child. It incites rage and doesn't teach anything. Taking away their privileges hurts them more anyway....
7)Give your teen attention when they do talk appropriately. So many teens are frustrated by parents busy schedules...and don't always know how to get their parents attention and resort to talking back.
8)NEVER THREATEN THEM THAT YOU WILL KICK THEM OUT or they just might leave your home first...
Just a few thoughts. My 17 year old still rolls his eyes once in a while but now a days, wow. If I knew he was going to do so well back then I might have gotten more sleep. He is on the honor roll, up for the National Honor Society, plays track and football and is on his way to college to major in Criminal Justice. Helps with chores and his little siblings...no lie!
This was a kid who repeated kindergarten because the first year he spent in the principals office for BAD BEHAVIOR...WAS TALKING BACK AT 4!
Good luck and let us know how it goes....
Jane
I only have one teenager (17) but always have other teens around the house. Here is what I discovered;
1)Pre teens do a lot more talking back than older teens.
2)It is a natural developmental stage. Look, if our teens stayed cute and loving like they were at 3 years old we would never want them to leave! Our children would never grow up!
3) I REFUSE TO ARGUE WITH A CHILD OR TEEN. They will get you into a debate that will make you want to pull out your hair (or theirs!). When they raise their voice at me I no longer hear them. I just say, "you're yelling, I no longer can hear." They'll try to engage in a battle. I look at the clock. For as long as they are yelling, they owe me my time back. If I am being yelled at for 20 minutes, they owe me 20 minutes of time doing MY chores! period. And I don't tell them so while they are yelling because they will engage you in a battle. I totally ignore them.
4)Consistently discipline it. And I do it myself. I want them to know that I will not tolerate that kind of treatment. Others have their husbands do it but then when the husband is not around the kids are yelling.
5)Model it yourself. Teens don't need to be yelled at. You can teach, correct, discipline without yelling or name calling.
6)I never spank or hit an older child. It incites rage and doesn't teach anything. Taking away their privileges hurts them more anyway....
7)Give your teen attention when they do talk appropriately. So many teens are frustrated by parents busy schedules...and don't always know how to get their parents attention and resort to talking back.
8)NEVER THREATEN THEM THAT YOU WILL KICK THEM OUT or they just might leave your home first...
Just a few thoughts. My 17 year old still rolls his eyes once in a while but now a days, wow. If I knew he was going to do so well back then I might have gotten more sleep. He is on the honor roll, up for the National Honor Society, plays track and football and is on his way to college to major in Criminal Justice. Helps with chores and his little siblings...no lie!
This was a kid who repeated kindergarten because the first year he spent in the principals office for BAD BEHAVIOR...WAS TALKING BACK AT 4!
Good luck and let us know how it goes....
Jane
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Hisrosebud
Well-Known Member
oh, you said fighting with each other.
I had a wise sociology professor that taught me this trick. When kids are fighting (as long as one is not being over powered by the other all the time) FORCE THEM TO SLEEP TOGETHER.
It is bizarre, but it works!
Tell them that if they fight they will have to sleep in the same bed together.
He used the principle of the early american family sleeping in the family bed. For some reason when the family all slept in the same room they got closer or something. I don't remember all the details but I have done it and it works.
Maybe the kids hate each other enough not to want to sleep together or maybe they just thought I lost my mind and became afraid of my sanity?!
who knows????
These are just my thoughts, use them or leave them
Jane
ok and I am assuming that neither child is a victim or predator of sexual abuse. I am speaking of related children that are in a healthy family unit that don't get along but where neither are over empowering the other one.
I had a wise sociology professor that taught me this trick. When kids are fighting (as long as one is not being over powered by the other all the time) FORCE THEM TO SLEEP TOGETHER.
It is bizarre, but it works!
Tell them that if they fight they will have to sleep in the same bed together.
He used the principle of the early american family sleeping in the family bed. For some reason when the family all slept in the same room they got closer or something. I don't remember all the details but I have done it and it works.
Maybe the kids hate each other enough not to want to sleep together or maybe they just thought I lost my mind and became afraid of my sanity?!
who knows????
These are just my thoughts, use them or leave them
Jane
ok and I am assuming that neither child is a victim or predator of sexual abuse. I am speaking of related children that are in a healthy family unit that don't get along but where neither are over empowering the other one.
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Check out the book Siblings Without Rivalry. It's written by the same women who wrote How to Talk so Kids (children?) will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.
My siblings and I fought a great deal. I never quite knew why, but latly I have come to realize that a lot of it was becasue of how my parents handled things. They were very big on the blame game - "Who did this?" "Who left this here?" There was not a lot of forgivness for doing anything wrong, so if blame could get shifted to a siblling, why not? We became adversaries at a very early age... and I think this led to a lot of bickering and fighting when we were teens, especially my two brothers! To this day, sadly, none of us are very close.
My siblings and I fought a great deal. I never quite knew why, but latly I have come to realize that a lot of it was becasue of how my parents handled things. They were very big on the blame game - "Who did this?" "Who left this here?" There was not a lot of forgivness for doing anything wrong, so if blame could get shifted to a siblling, why not? We became adversaries at a very early age... and I think this led to a lot of bickering and fighting when we were teens, especially my two brothers! To this day, sadly, none of us are very close.
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Thank you those are wonderful ideas, I am going to work on the not arguing back with him. Its very hard with him he so believes he is right and that everything has to be fair, its very frustrating. Hes 13, He is a very good kid actually, we've just hit a spot where he wants to battle with me about every little thing.
I am going to look for the book too. thank you
I am going to look for the book too. thank you
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Hisrosebud
Well-Known Member
ah 13. Your husband and you may consider going on a 2 year vacation. The aliens who have taken him will return your son around then.LOL
Another good book is "6 steps to effective parenting" by John Rosemond. I like him because he is a psychiatrist who initally raised his children with all the politically correct ways. His children were having behavioral and learning problems. He threw away the psycho babble and starting saying , "because I said so. . . ." His kids turned around for the better. This book kept my son off of ritalin; I too was raising him with the psycho babble.
I try to remind myself that parenting is a process. It is ok if you yell back sometimes. . . remember to take out time for yourself or to be with your husband. It will help give you the strength that you need for the emotional battles. Try to remember that if he is talking back to you that it is also a sign that he feels safe enough to be himself around you. keep us posted!
Jane
Another good book is "6 steps to effective parenting" by John Rosemond. I like him because he is a psychiatrist who initally raised his children with all the politically correct ways. His children were having behavioral and learning problems. He threw away the psycho babble and starting saying , "because I said so. . . ." His kids turned around for the better. This book kept my son off of ritalin; I too was raising him with the psycho babble.
I try to remind myself that parenting is a process. It is ok if you yell back sometimes. . . remember to take out time for yourself or to be with your husband. It will help give you the strength that you need for the emotional battles. Try to remember that if he is talking back to you that it is also a sign that he feels safe enough to be himself around you. keep us posted!
Jane
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suzybeezy
Reports Manager
Hisrosebud, I loved your advise. I have a 16 and 12 year old (plus two younger ones). My 12 year old, a girl, is the queen of back talk. Every sentence seems to ignite an argument. I'm positive it's for attention. I too fought with siblings but we now have a very close relationship. Ours was for attention purposes also. I think once the need for the attention seeking ends, the feuding ends also.
By the way, where do I sign up for this two week vacation.....
By the way, where do I sign up for this two week vacation.....
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christianmomof3
pursuing Christ
I just want a volume control or off switch for my 12 year old dd. She would argue with a wall if she could. The best advise I have heard is to pray fervently for them and for ouselves to be the best parents in Christ. Those books sound good, I may read one if I ever have time to. I want the vacation too!
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Hisrosebud
Well-Known Member
suzybeezy and all
It was a 2 YEAR VACATION. hee hee.
argue with a wall. hmmmm. sounds like my son this week. He got his report card, and missed the high honor roll by 1 or 2 points. Apparently the honor roll is not good enough for him and it is all his art teachers fault. LOL
so we are all suffering for it. Sent him out to chop wood. He can argue with that!
gotta love them.
Jane
It was a 2 YEAR VACATION. hee hee.
argue with a wall. hmmmm. sounds like my son this week. He got his report card, and missed the high honor roll by 1 or 2 points. Apparently the honor roll is not good enough for him and it is all his art teachers fault. LOL
so we are all suffering for it. Sent him out to chop wood. He can argue with that!
gotta love them.
Jane
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Boys definitly need to have something to blow steam with. I need to get him a punching bag or some wood. we dont have a fireplace but maybe it would be worth it anyways lol. I also have a very dramatic 5 yr old girl, it makes for an interesting household right now, calgon take me away.
we dont have a fireplace but maybe it would be worth it anyways lol. I also have a very dramatic 5 yr old girl, it makes for an interesting household right now, calgon take me away.
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Hisrosebud
Well-Known Member
Dramatic five year old daughter.....my husband and I were just discussing our 2 year old drama queen. She is the first girl that I have had. Just when I had parenting figured out i went and had a daughter!
She is the joy of our life but man what a drama queen. She won't be 2 until May. She has discovered that her favorite color is purple (I wanted her to like pink)! Everything purple is hers, she says, "purple where are you?" and goes on a purple hunt. She won't wear anything unless it has purple on it, won't eat off a plate unless it is purple and so on. At first we thought this was cute but some days this is trying.
For easter we had an easter egg hunt in our front yard. I kid you not, she would only pick up the purple eggs!
and did I mention that no one else can touch anything purple because it is hers even if it is YOUR SUNDAY CHURCH DRESS! Hee hee hee hee.
not even 2 yet; EVERYBODY PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
Jane
She is the joy of our life but man what a drama queen. She won't be 2 until May. She has discovered that her favorite color is purple (I wanted her to like pink)! Everything purple is hers, she says, "purple where are you?" and goes on a purple hunt. She won't wear anything unless it has purple on it, won't eat off a plate unless it is purple and so on. At first we thought this was cute but some days this is trying.
For easter we had an easter egg hunt in our front yard. I kid you not, she would only pick up the purple eggs!
and did I mention that no one else can touch anything purple because it is hers even if it is YOUR SUNDAY CHURCH DRESS! Hee hee hee hee.
not even 2 yet; EVERYBODY PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!
Jane
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Hisrosebud
Well-Known Member
I agree. I think that they spend so much time sitting in school at a desk and get very little physical interactions. I try to get my kids outside and doing anything physical that they can. I even let them take their mattress off of their beds and onto the floor and let them jump on rainy days. It helps them "ground" or something and then they go to doing their homework and chores.
Jane
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