Tears Forever Falling

[CookiesRejectKidd]

Tears Forever Falling

Tears forever falling sweeping through her eyes
Tears forever falling drenching her life of lies
Tears forever falling she's sad and confused
Tears forever falling she's made up her mind
She knows what to do
Tears forever falling she's grasps the butt of the gun
Tears forever falling she has ended her life
She is done
Tears forever falling for this mother's daughter has died
Tears no longer falling now the both have committed suicide
But Tears forever falling for their fates have shone
Tears forever falling for they both had died cold and alone

Note: I'm not suicidal ppl...just wrote this a while back for one of my friends who I thought was suicidal...to make her think about what she was about to do...

 

[yakkmeister]

Ok - I certainly hope your poem had the intended effect.

A very nice sentiment; to help a friend in need.
Very noble of you.

On the critique of the poem as a literary work though, apposed to an emotional one.

The rythm of this peice is very bad and the repetition of 'tears forever falling' removes a lot of the power of that phrase.

The rhymes tend to be forced and the language is uninventive.
As a reader I found the poem to be rather bland.

Images are very very important in poetry; they will enable to you connect emotionally with the reader, and to involve the reader in the poem as cannot be done any other way.

Metaphor is, in my opinion, the most powerful figure of speach you can use. Images become far more vivid when the comparison is authoritavely forced upon the concept.

EG:
simile:
She looks like a flower; fresh bloom;
Watch her hair as petals soft.

metaphor;
She is a flower; fresh bloom;
Watch her petals cascade soft.

Note: both examples are rather trite and not good in a literacy sense as they entirely lack context; but the authority in the metaphore should appear more plainly powerful than that in the simile.
Also note that both are fine to use; either should be fit to work in the situation you write for.

I would say that if you were to remove all but 2 of the 'tears forever falling' or used it only in the last line, and rewrote your other lines to be more powerful images, you would have a very good poem.

Do not forget rythm either; it will carry your poem to greater heights and make it much more memorable.