Tantrums!!!

[Leanna]

Starting this week(maybe last week) my son has been throwing the most horrible fits you have ever seen. The only thing I can think of is that somewhere along the lines recently I must have unintentionally reinforced this behavior. What I mean is, maybe he started a fit and I gave him what he wanted. But I can't remember you know? Maybe it was something simple, like, he wanted my bagel, cried a little so I gave him some. All I know is its escalating right now. If he doesn't get what he wants he throws a fit until he does. I am not entirely sure how to deal with this.

For example, yesterday we went to the grocery store to get a few things for his party. He wanted out of the cart, he indicated by his own "sign language" and impatience. My husband and I looked at each other and I said, "I don't know if we shoud.... we'd be setting a precedence that he can get out of the cart if he wants...." but we decided to let him out and Wes would walk with him. He didn't want to walk the direction we wanted to walk (can you imagine?? ) and so after telling him "nono, we need to go this way" a number of times we put him back in the cart. He MELTED DOWN into hysterics. He cried. I told him sorry David you need to stay in the cart now, no David you can't get out (he tried to get out by his own way). He kept crying. We ignored him and continued shopping. He screamed. I told him, sorry David we need to shop you need to be in the cart. He kept screaming. We ignored him and continued shopping. He turned red and started hiccupping. I tried to give him a hug and say sorry honey but you have to stay in the cart. He pushed my hug away. After some time of his fit throwing, and you could hear him all the way across the store, my husband took him out to the car.

What did I do wrong here? Maybe letting him out of the cart to begin with, won't do that again. But if your 12 month old is throwing a fit because he isn't getting what he wants is it too young to just ignore him? I wanted to, but I am afraid he is too young or something and I would be just being a really mean mommy! I want to be loving and supportive but I can't let him make these kinds of decisions you know.... did anyone else's kid throw fits this young? Maybe assume he is a little older, he has so far been ahead of kids his age... So if he were 15 months would it be too young to ignore tantrums?

All I know is I can't always give him what he wants.... and I've tried distraction.I use that a lot. I forgot to mention that. I gave him some of the items we were buying so he could hold them and tried to show him how neat they were, but he would have none of that. He wanted out and he was going to have it by life or death.

 

[andiesmama]

Sounds like he's reached the terrible 2s a little early! lol (well, I know it's not funny, I've been there....still there, as a matter of fact! )

First, don't beat yourself up trying to figure out if you did anything in the past to reinforce the tantrum behavior. Tantrums are just something that happens! If he's advanced for his age like you said, then you've just gotta decide what route you're going to take when tantrums happen & stick to your guns. You can NEVER let your child win when they're throwing a tantrum, that's what will reinforce it, you know?

I think you handled it well while you were in the store. You'll hear stories from both camps, but my feeling is that if your response to a tantrum in the store is that you drop everything & leave, then the child KNOWS that if he doesn't want to be "somewhere", well, all he has to do is throw a fit & then you guys will leave. Even tho hubby ended up taking him out to the car, I think your son still got the message....since he couldn't walk like a big boy where you needed to go, he had to get back in the cart. Period.

You're NOT being a mean mommy! Your son is old enough to understand cause & effect, and it's never too early (IMO) to start nipping the tantrums in the bud...or at least laying the ground rules for the consequences when they do happen.

 

[Leanna]

Right but should I just keep shopping and ignore him and tell him why he has to stay in the cart (or whatever)? He looks so young because he has always been a baldy and so I am nervous people will think I am not tending to my infant.

 

[Linnis]

I wouldn't worry about what other people will think. I think no matter how you raise your child, someone will complain about it. If you ignore said tantrum, they'll cry neglect. If you cuddle him when he does it, they'll say your a bad parent...so either way someone will think something not nice.

Do what you think is the best for your child.

My nephew had done tantrums until I showed up. Although he was 4 everyone went to his every beck and call and I'm like "Who is he, King Tut?" and I refused to give into his demands. I got many complants I was a bad person for it but if I hadn't he'd still be doing that now! They sure changed their tune when he stoped being a brat and started being a good little boy with manners.

It may be hard now but if you don't nip this in the bud you'll have a 4 year old child still doing it and I don't think you'd want that.

 

[andiesmama]

Right but should I just keep shopping and ignore him and tell him why he has to stay in the cart (or whatever)? He looks so young because he has always been a baldy and so I am nervous people will think I am not tending to my infant.

You know him best...if you think he can even comprehend a little bit what you're saying (& from the stuff you've posted, I'm betting he can), then by all means, keep him in the cart & tell him why. I mean, you don't want him expecting to be able to be out of the cart every time you go shopping, right? I've never let Andie walk in the grocery store (unless I'm running in really quick for one or two things), she always rides in the cart or NOW it's usually gotta be one of those carts with the little car in the front for them to ride in....hey, whatever keeps her happy! lol

 

[Joykins]

It sounds like you handled it really well.

I'm kind of torn on the "I'm sorry" and comforting during the tantrum--I don't think parents should apologize for drawing lines or comfort a child who is asserting his will/defiance, but at the same time you want to comfort your baby...and he's still very young.

 

[Leanna]

That's the thing....... it feels so young for him to behaving like this. He seems to understand what I say. Like if I say, let's dance.... he will dance.... lol..... anyway I would prefer to ignore him completely so that it goes away but he is only one year! I am stubborn enough to ignore him but I don't want to be calloused to his emotional needs. He needs to know I am hearing his cries but that sometimes he doesn't get what he wants. I think the apologizing is okay because its not a matter of, its my fault that hes crying, its more I am trying to explain WHY mommy says no and how I can sympathize with how he feels about not getting what he wants. But it is still truth that he doesn't get what he wants and that is the main point that matters to me. This is almost definitely beyond his comprehension though so maybe I shouldn't do that anymore for a while. I'm thinking about this.... maybe I will change the way I do that.

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

My son had only one meltdown temper tantrum like this and he was just over a year. We were in a grocery store too. He was an early walker at only 8 1/2 months and by the time he was over a year, he was also an accomplished climber as well. Anyhow, he started climbing the shelves at the store. I told him 'no' and explained why he couldn't climb. Well, he promptly threw himself on the floor in the middle of the aisle, screaming and kicking. I was stunned and after I picked my jaw off the floor, I stepped over him and continued walking. I went to the end of the aisle and turned the corner. He was still screaming. I could still see him through the tortilla shelves LOL but he couldn't see me. I got some very dirty looks from people but as soon as he realized I wasn't there you could see him looking everywhere and then he got up and ran down the aisle to find me. That was his last tantrum so apparently that worked.

Now, my two-year-old drama queen, she's another story. The only thing that seems to work is to remove her from the room. I have no problem with her screaming outside so I've explained that if she has a 'temper', she has to have it outside because we only use indoor voices inside. We have a wonderful covered porch and I just put her out there, tell her, "Time out" and leave her there for a few minutes. That usually does it.

As far as stores, well, I always get the kids a free cookie at the bakery when we're done shopping. They know that they have to be good while shopping or they do not get that cookie. My daughter has lost her 'cookie' rights a few times so that seems to have curbed the tantrums in the store.

I feel for you. After my son, I guess I expected another mild-mannered child...twasn't to be apparently.

 

[Princessperky]

I totally agree that sorry is a free word, I DO sympathise with my kids when things don't go their way, and I DO sympathise when the rules are soooo annoying (like speed limits of 55 in a straight highway (no turnoffs) in PA! URG) Anyway sympathy is fine, changing the rule sorry nope. Though I will explain why (not safe for DC to be far away, and I want to buy food!)

On the particular cart thing, try saying 'if you walk this way you can walk, if not you go in the cart.' Weather he understands this time or not he will down the road so long as you are consistant. DD and DS could both walk around then so long as they had a hand or the cart and went the direction we needed to go. I allowed lots of times at a park or just walking or at the mall, or while DH paid to walk mostly where they wanted. So They were learning about my turn your turn, and it is listen or be constrained (something both of my two hate)

On the age thing, a kid is never to young to throw a tantrum . But the younbger they are the more I am willing to offer distraction. (DS on the other hand is old enough to be told, 'get in control or lose a truck')

On the strangers, I get worried too, so I tend to say in a normal tone things like 'sorry but you wern't listening' or something like that so other people know I am not totally ignoring them, but I am not giving in either. I also occasionally tell DC how rude they are being to other people in the store (again so what if they don't understand yet, they will)

One time DS got his fingers in the back of the frezeer door and SCREAMED when DH shut the door. I spent a lot of time talking in a normal tone (usually I whisper when DCs are upset like that) about how he shouldn't have his fingers there and how I would kiss it make it better, that was not fun (for the pain or the embarrassment)

 

[Joykins]

My favorite is, "I'm sorry you feel this way, but NO" as in "I'm sorry you didn't accept my NO and went on to throw a fit because now you're in more trouble and more upset than ever, which you didn't have to do, and I'm sure that isn't what you really want and I didn't really want it either."

I believe in offering distraction to really young children, too--No, you can't do that but would you like to *astonished happy surprised gasp* HELP MOMMY by holding the JELLO box? Look at the pretty colors. What color is that?...etc. etc.

 

[Leanna]

So this morning we went to the doctor. I got him undressed to get him weighed and he started getting really upset with me. When the doctor came in and started checking him (in his ears, throat, etc.) he started an all out assault (tantrum). After she checked him I was trying to hold him, he melted out of my arms and collapsed into a heap on the floor crying. The doctor was very impressed by this tantrum. You could totally tell when he went from genuinely upset to just "still mad." The moment the doctor left the room he completely stopped crying and looked at the door like he had accomplished making her go away. As you can imagine.... when the nurses came in for the shots it was a nightmare. He didn't stop screaming in my ear until after I got a new appointment, took him out of the clinic and put him into the car and started driving.

Then we went to the ol sub shop and got lunch and he got to eat a cookie. Hopefully he does not relate these instances

 

[Entertaining_Angels]

Did the doctor have any recommendations for you? Our pediatrician has been great and he's witnessed the little Princess's tantrum.

By the way, I know you already know but buying that cookie helps reinforce the behavior. I know, unasked for comment but, believe me, having been there, you want to do everything possible to nip this in the bud. After a major tantrum out in town, my daughter is told that she is going home to nap and then we go home and she naps. And, often, sleep is the best thing for her because her temper is usually at its worst when she needs a nap.

 

[Leanna]

Hmmm welll it was 15 minutes after he was done crying and it was because of the shots not the tantrum.

 

[Leanna]

I have formulated a plan to extinguish the tantrums. It is under construction and is TOP SECRET. I will let you know if it is effective, it will take a few weeks.

 

[andiesmama]

I have formulated a plan to extinguish the tantrums. It is under construction and is TOP SECRET. I will let you know if it is effective, it will take a few weeks.

You've got me curious now...let me know, I might try it on my 3 year old! lol

 

[Mom to 5]

I have formulated a plan to extinguish the tantrums. It is under construction and is TOP SECRET. I will let you know if it is effective, it will take a few weeks.

Your gonna make us wait 2 weeks! But I want to know now. . . now! Please now! Why won't you tell us now. We promise not to tell him, please please, PLEASE Hows that for a tantrum!

 

[Leanna]

Well but the thing is it might not be effective, lol, ........... yeah mostly I was just being silly, its nothing revolutionary .... hehe

 

[Mom to 5]

ok, I will wait. . .but you will have to tell us it your experiment works! We all need all the help we can get I am sure!

 

[Beth1231]

I hesitate to post....
I don't remember any of this, but my mother tells me that anytime I threw a defiant/rebellious tantrum, she smacked the back of my bare legs once or twice and calmly told me tantrums were not allowed. End of story. I rarely rarely threw a tantrum and never in public (Mom just took me outside for the punishment if I did). My parents and are really close, by the way. And I don't remember being disciplined until I was four.
Side note: The times when I was just too tired or hungry to care and ended up in a crying fit, I wasn't punished. Just given food and put to bed.
I read parenting books religiously and have never seen this method. Everything I read says "they will eventually grow out of it". Meanwhile, poor mom and dad have to coax their little ones off the floor or some other method that will have to be repeated later in the week? I don't know how I feel about this. Well, that's my two cents, anyway

 

[lucypevensie]

I hesitate to post....
I don't remember any of this, but my mother tells me that anytime I threw a defiant/rebellious tantrum, she smacked the back of my bare legs once or twice and calmly told me tantrums were not allowed. End of story. I rarely rarely threw a tantrum and never in public (Mom just took me outside for the punishment if I did). My parents and are really close, by the way. And I don't remember being disciplined until I was four.
Side note: The times when I was just too tired or hungry to care and ended up in a crying fit, I wasn't punished. Just given food and put to bed.
I read parenting books religiously and have never seen this method. Everything I read says "they will eventually grow out of it". Meanwhile, poor mom and dad have to coax their little ones off the floor or some other method that will have to be repeated later in the week? I don't know how I feel about this. Well, that's my two cents, anyway

I also disobeyed all the modern parenting books on this issue as well. A good swat worked for my kids. It's best to do this in a clam manner and not with the same tantrum that your kid is pitching. I realize that some kids might just get even more angry and so would not respond to this ideally. Just sharing what worked for us.