Talking...or NOT

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Hey...been a while since I've posted here. I haven't been doing that great lately. My medication got switched a couple weeks ago. I haven't seen any improvement, but who knows, maybe it just needs longer to kick in. Unfortunately the headaches that come with it don't. I guess my self-injury has gotten a bit worse...that's a little scary. No one at home knows about it, and everyone online keeps telling me I need to tell someone here. Well, at times, having someone here who knows sounds great, other times it seems like a nightmare. Some people are telling me specifically that I need to tell my parents. Well, let's just say that is NOT going to happen. I just see absolutely no good coming from it. See, what would happen when I tell them? They would be angry, sad, hurt...and then they'd send me to more doctors. Well big whoop! I don't care about more doctors. Yeah..it would be great if a doctor could help me, but there's no way I'm going to take that if it means screwing up my relationship with my parents. Ok...well, my parents and I aren't very close anyway. I mean...especially with my depression. They found out about my depression in January, took me to the doctor, got me on meds, put me in counseling, and now they expect me to be fine. I tried to open up a bit more after I got into counseling because I had tried to hide all my feelings from them before. Well, that didn't go well. They said it was being selfish to act depressed, and in a way they're right, because if I put others before myself, I'll hide it to make them more comfortable. Anyway...I've been having a really hard time functioning...I just graduated high school from homeschool, but while I was doing school it was majorly hard to get it done. Now I'm supposed to be getting a job...well, I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but I'm trying to make my parents happy. See, They said I'm disappointing and frustrating them...that I should try harder, I'm being lazy and irresponsible. You know what? They're right. I don't blame them for saying that. They're actually really good parents. They love me and I love them. It's just...with my depresson and self injury....their expectations are so overwhelming, and I just can't seem to live up to them. Anyway, enough about that. What I really wanted to ask was this:

I CAN'T talk. It doesn't work. My mouth and my brain completely disconnect. I mean, I can't talk about anything that's actually real. I can't talk about my depression or self injury at ALL. Even on the very rare occasion that someone actually asks me genuinely how I'm doing, all I can manage is saying something absolutely stupid like "I'm fine, isn't the weather great tonight?" Ugh! how pathetic is that? See, so I can't talk to anyone, even when I want to. Does anyone else have this problem?

 

[Corbobs]

Umm.... yeah, most definitely. But you gotta talk to somebody, even if it's not anyone at home.

 

[BlackRain]

i don't talk either. about anything! i have one friend i talk to about what's really going on, but really that's all i need. unfortunetly we sometimes go months without speaking due to other circumstances...but anyway, i understand where you're coming from. um, my parents found out that i self injured. great day that was. riiiight. one of the worst days of my life, but soooo worth every tear! we're not any closer because of that, but they tend to understand me more on so many levels. i'm not any more open, but at least i have security in the fact that i can be. your parents love you, as you have said and want the absolute best for your life. i think if you told them they would love on you and help you thru it. if not your parents...someone!! you have to talk. even if it's one person. in a way, i think it's smart to not be completely open with everyone in the world. but it's also unwise to keep so much inside. i usually just talk about the hard stuff on the phone. it's easier that way. maybe you could try that. all i know is that the longer you keep things in, the worse it's going to get. i know you're scared to death about opening up, but take it from one who never talks about anything "real", it helps so much. you don't have to talk to a pshyciatrist about it, maybe what you need a friend. although, a doctor may come of some use to you. i don't know, just really think about it. pros and cons, girl. you've got it. you're going to make it thru! pm me anytime if you need to talk.

 

[pockleberry]

i find it hard to talk to ppl alot even my councellor we often end up spending the hour i see her in silence cause i cant seem to get the words i wanna say out....just keep trying and it will get easier

 

[Hidden face_Hurting heart]

Well, good news. I told someone about cutting. I felt soooo much better after telling, and they were really good about it. Here's a link from a post I made about it http://www.christianforums.com/t1608896-going-farther-and-farther.html&page=3 .
It's post #25.

I don't know though...now I feel the same as I did before telling. I really, really want to cut, I'm depressed, and the person I talked to is so busy...she doesn't have time for me. I almost didn't tell her because of that, but it really was a good thing to tell, and God did prepare her to hear it...I just don't know...what comes next? I'm still awful at talking to anyone, and there's still NO way I'm telling my parents. What am I supposed to do?

 

[KittiK]

(((((hugs)))))
I am so sorry that you are having this problem. As a parent I have to say that I disagree with your parents making the statements that they did...it's not fair to you. As a parent it is a major responsibility to make our children feel wanted, loved and above All else...accepted.
I have something to say to this and I so very much hope that I don't offend.
I am so very very proud of you for telling someone! That was incredible progress!! You should hold that high. I know that your supporter is busy alot...but that doesn't mean she can't help. Try keeping a journal in a secret place and talk to her as if she was standing there. Then when you see her...she can read it. That way she won't 'miss' anything and you won't forget to tell her some pretty important things. I know I have very little experience with cutting, although I have talked to a few people about it. I am not even going to pretend to give you advice about it, but I so want to tell you that you are you...no matter what happens. IMHO you should not have heard that your parents were frustrated and disappointed in you. That was a very unfair statement. But it obvious they love you because they want you to get better...but I agree that you must be very picky about who you talk to.
I suffer from depression as well...and it is not a selfish thing to do. That sounds like we do it on purpose. "Picking yourself by your bootstraps" is not an option for everyone and berating yourself because of it doesn't make it better.

Try making yourself happy. Live for you.....God don't make junk.
I'm really not trying to rag on your parents...really truly! Please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say!!

Keeping a journal might help....but keep a positive one as well. One for her and one for you. It's just a thought. Hope it helps.

~Kitti

 

[Zita123]

Just want to say that I do know about not being able to talk and I'm a very talkative person!!! Everytime I go to see my dr. I have a new one. What's up with that??? I know for a fact that they don't read a lifetime worth of charts!
The only way I was able to talk and get it all out was to go to a group of people with the exact same problems as me! I just listened at first, then one day, I felt like just telling everything because they already ffelt those feelings!! It was great!! I'll be praying for you and hope you find a good group!! Even if you have to just listen!!
GOD BLESS!
Zita123

Hey...been a while since I've posted here. I haven't been doing that great lately. My medication got switched a couple weeks ago. I haven't seen any improvement, but who knows, maybe it just needs longer to kick in. Unfortunately the headaches that come with it don't. I guess my self-injury has gotten a bit worse...that's a little scary. No one at home knows about it, and everyone online keeps telling me I need to tell someone here. Well, at times, having someone here who knows sounds great, other times it seems like a nightmare. Some people are telling me specifically that I need to tell my parents. Well, let's just say that is NOT going to happen. I just see absolutely no good coming from it. See, what would happen when I tell them? They would be angry, sad, hurt...and then they'd send me to more doctors. Well big whoop! I don't care about more doctors. Yeah..it would be great if a doctor could help me, but there's no way I'm going to take that if it means screwing up my relationship with my parents. Ok...well, my parents and I aren't very close anyway. I mean...especially with my depression. They found out about my depression in January, took me to the doctor, got me on meds, put me in counseling, and now they expect me to be fine. I tried to open up a bit more after I got into counseling because I had tried to hide all my feelings from them before. Well, that didn't go well. They said it was being selfish to act depressed, and in a way they're right, because if I put others before myself, I'll hide it to make them more comfortable. Anyway...I've been having a really hard time functioning...I just graduated high school from homeschool, but while I was doing school it was majorly hard to get it done. Now I'm supposed to be getting a job...well, I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but I'm trying to make my parents happy. See, They said I'm disappointing and frustrating them...that I should try harder, I'm being lazy and irresponsible. You know what? They're right. I don't blame them for saying that. They're actually really good parents. They love me and I love them. It's just...with my depresson and self injury....their expectations are so overwhelming, and I just can't seem to live up to them. Anyway, enough about that. What I really wanted to ask was this:

I CAN'T talk. It doesn't work. My mouth and my brain completely disconnect. I mean, I can't talk about anything that's actually real. I can't talk about my depression or self injury at ALL. Even on the very rare occasion that someone actually asks me genuinely how I'm doing, all I can manage is saying something absolutely stupid like "I'm fine, isn't the weather great tonight?" Ugh! how pathetic is that? See, so I can't talk to anyone, even when I want to. Does anyone else have this problem?