Every day, trying so hard, to win the race, trying to prove to self and others that I am good enough, that I am competent and special, and that I am a winner, a success, significant, important, worth loving, can be seeming impossible chore to fulfill I dont because, I used to be that person.
Trying to prove to my rejecting father I was good enough, trying to be perfect in hopes it would end the abuse that my stepfathers did to me, trying to convince to be self that I am good and special, I became obsessed with the goal of doing something so great that it would show everyone in the world that I am competent, and worthy to be loved. Back then, I believe in the lie, that if I achieved great and lofty goals, people would think I was great, and would admire, and love me, and accept me unconditionally. I was wrong.
Born with an unknown mental illness, I tried to climb the ladder of success, but constantly fell down and tried again and fell down again and again. As a kid, I admired Larry Bird, as I practiced everyday shooting baskets, etc.,, going to basketball camp, and etc. Unfortunately, that dream never came true as I failed to make the team. Choosing to be the waterboy, in hopes it would lead me to a spot on the team, if someone vacated, I experienced many days being depressed and feeling insignificant. My manic depression led to many nights of severe depression and then times of grandiose thinkingwhich made me believe I could do anything. I later asked out the homecoming queen and got rejected. I asked out a popular girl she said no as I heard her sister, laughing in the background. She eventually married my cousin.
When I was eighteen, I joined the United States Navy in hopes of becoming a nuclear reactor technician. I believe if I achieved that dream, my dad, my stepfathers, my friends, the people who laughed at me, etc., would think I was competent and worthy to be loved, In essence, I thought if I was successful by achieving the most difficult field in the Navy, surely I would be considered good, and as a winner. Unfortunately, I put so much pressure on myself as I tried so hard to succeed. Even though seemingly no tried harder than I did it, I failed again as I was treated harshly by officers and made fun of by many shipmates. I only lasted four weeks in the school, as I felt devastated, severely depressed, and worthless, as I reflected heavily upon what I believed all my naysayers were thinking of me.
I didnt give up, though. A few months, I studied the machinist mate field in the Navy. I tried so hard, so hard, to succeed. Personal success became an obsession for me to achieve so much that I was getting sick. My OCD, manic depression, my fears and experiences of failure, my faltering confidence made things seem hopeless again. However, in spite of all this, I gave a thousand percent effort to succeed. I was making it through school but my fear of not succeeding overcame me as I was getting physically and emotional sick again. So I sought my military instructor, Petty Officer 1st class, for help.
I remember that day which led me to getting kicked out of the military, for something I didnt do. Experiencing the highs and low of manic depression as well as the strictness and pressures of the military, I felt like giving up hope so I sought Davis for help. Unfortunately, as I waited impatiently for him to talk to me, I unintentionally leaned against the wall. Being reprimanded by petty officer Konkol for do so, I was so weak that I did it again unknowingly.
The next thing I am in front of a senior chief, being told I was being subordinate to an officers command not to lean on wall; and when I said I didnt do it, I was reprimanded for lying to them as they threatened for me to go to captains mast (a serious punishment in Navy). Then, as I was being chewed out by Petty Officer first class Konkol, I experienced again the feelings of rejection all the experiences of rejection and defeats again. My heart ached in sorrow, as I feel like a failure and a loser and no good again.
After he left me alone, I went to the bathroom, to cry heavily and release my heavy emotions. Frustrated, I said the words I am going to kill him, words of frustration, which had no desire at all to carry through. The next thing I know, an officer heard those words, and kicked me out of the Navy with an honorable discharge for threatening to kill an officer. I feel ashamed, a failure, a loser, incompetent, insignificant, no good, and unworthy of love, for a long, long time, because of that incident.
Entering the workforce, I got fired from almost every employer, due to my unknown illness. I went to college, and struggled, and struggled, but was making good grades. Unfortunately, I was rejected by some teachers and many students. One teacher wanted me removed from the school. Another one told me I didnt have what it took to be a good writer and that he didnt want me to take any of his classes anymore. However, I didnt give up.
Driving home from college, I felt defeated and physically and emotionally defeated from the pressures of college, my unknown illness, and my overall frailties. Feeling overwhelmed, unloved, hopeless, and defeated, I faced temptations to commit suicide by driving my car purposely off the road and into death. Thankfully, during that crisis of belief, I heard an encouraging song on the radio. I felt God telling me, Dont be afraid. Just trust me.
A semester later I met a teacher named, Professor Duane Dobbert. Him, being a psychology and economics teacher, took a genuine interest in me. He eventually led me to a psychiatrist, who discovered my manic depression illness. Years later, a different doctor diagnosed me with OCD.
In December 1998, I graduated from college, making the National Deans List for two consecutive years. Still wanting to prove to people I was good, I tried to find the most prestigious jobs I could find in the area. Unfortunately, my job history was so terrible that no one wanted to hire me except for a factory who wanted me to do machine operator work. While there, I comprised one strategy after another, to escape the factory work, in which I felt ashamed being there. Pride told me that I was not a winner until I surrender to Gods will for my life.
Eventually, I got fired there due to my illness. Unable to find and keep a job, I got on social security disability. Starting as a VISTA volunteer, I worked part-time (while still on SSDI) as a program coordinator for a disability-affiliated organization. Being in charge of the Jackson Talent Exchange, I helped people realize their self-worth, as JTE member exchange their talents to help one another in need; building interpersonal relationships in the process. Years later, I created a web page (In Pursuit of Freedom Ministries.com) to encourage people who are, in pursuit of freedom, from adversity, etc. Now I publish Christian articles on the Internet (like Faithwriters.com) as well as being on the leadership team for an intercity, Christian singles outreach ministry organization.
Today my OCD / manic depression is well under control. More importantly, I today have personal peace of whom I am, in spite of all my frailties and what others may think of me. I have stopped using performance plus what others think about me as the benchmark for my self-worth. My identity and contentment comes from the fact that I am a special creation of God. The fact that a perfect God chose to have His Son murdered on the cross so you and I can be with Him together, forever and forever. Just think Christ died, so God could have the opportunity to enjoy intimacy with you, for eternity. We are the lost sheep that the Shepherd tirelessly pursues; the lost coin the woman searches for; the Prodigal Son that the Father patiently waits to return. Nothing can ever separate the Christian from Gods love.
In spite of all our frailties and life trials, God has a greater purpose for us, a purpose perfectly planned. Being on SSDI and not working, I have plenty of time to share my life experiences to those in need of encouragement. God gave my trials to teach me how to overcome, in addition, to produce a sacrificial heart that desires to encourage and comfort others. In college, I learned how to write and created a web page, all which I use now in my ministries. All things work together for good . . . (romans 8:28). Not just for me, but also for you, in your life.
God loves you more than you can ever imagine. You are not a loser. God has a perfect purpose planned for you. You just need to accept it, believe in it, and have the patience to let God make it happen. Remember, all of the earthy rewards and pleasures, are nothing in comparison, to the heavenly rewards and pleasures in heaven. I know it took me a while to realize all this.
Even though I dont know you personally, I just want to say I love you. I hope things go better for you. Trust in God always and never underestimate the strength of your courage!
