Well, I don't know if this thread was somehow offensive or annoying to my Messianic brethren here, or what. Hrm. I sense that people on this site (not this forum in particular, btw) are very easily offended, due to the mix of so many varied belief-systems all falling under "belief" in G-d, and so I have been very concerned that nothing I write here, specifically, would cause any undue offense. Perhaps I failed at that endeavor. I guess I'll just use this thread to ramble instead of hope others will chime in and share about where/how the Father currently has them learning and growing. Maybe sooner or later someone will find some use for something I share here. So what follows are my rambling thoughts and observations, hopefully not annoying...
I find that we are empty of any "home" among other believers, and have been so for years as we press deeply into the things of G-d. DH and I are study-ers. We have an extensive library here in our home, filled with everything from Matthew Henry's and the JFB commentaries to Bible reference works galore, to The Fundamentals, to books by Edersheim and Risto Santala, to some few and growing number of books on Judaism and the Book of Mitzvoth by the Chafetz Chayim, and more. We follow hard after our G-d. We do nothing without bathing our steps in a tremendous amount of prayer, and with much discussion and seeking out the Will of G-d for us in our family. But this does not make for a nice pliable bunch of lukewarm christians who fit completely into any one "church" -- denomination or otherwise. This has been a lonely walk for us since we began being Bereans in the catholic church 15 years ago. I'm tired of wanting community and finding none.
We're hoping to move, waiting on G-d to move us in His time, and fascinated to find He may finally be doing so after planting us these looonnnnnggg 11 years in a very spiritually barren wilderness of a town. What's sad to me, though, is that the path G-d is leading us down will most certainly cause us to be unwelcome by all but the rarest of believers. Many gentiles don't want much to do with other gentiles who feel called to be Torah-observant... and whether anyone agrees that
we are called to be so, we personally are indeed, of this we no longer have any doubts. Then again, most Messianic Jews I know online (I know none IRL) jump very quickly (without knowing who a person even is or where they have been, which is nearly impossible in the first place, online) to the accusation that gentiles wanting to follow Torah (yes, even in our little imperfect, no-community and lacking understanding of this, at this point) are merely trying to be Jews and trying to take something uniquely given to Jews.
Well, I am not trying to be a Jew. I am following the only teaching my G-d has ever handed down to those who wish to belong to Him and worship Him in spirit and in truth, in close fellowship with His chosen people -- and I am (hopefully) following exactly as my G-d has been leading me and drawing me, gradually, for many years now. And frankly, for that matter, I am actually to some small degree Jewish (at most, an eighth, and likely less, though my mom um... wouldn't... recall many specific details as to how close to my Grandpa's generation the Jewish blood was, but it's probably just enough for those who hate Jews to hate me as well but not probably enough Jew for anyone with decent intentions to really consider me a Jew... and she clammed up on the discussion soon after I showed much of an interest and pursued the topic more). No, I don't usually claim any Jewish blood because of the simple fact that I never grew up Jewish and my family left that aside long ago, sliding into roman catholicism sometime before my Grandparents' generation. But as I was excitedly sharing with my mom a couple of years ago about how Messiah is so beautifully prefigured and exposed in each of the Feasts, she pointed out to me that we do have Jewish ancestry on her side of the family.
That discussion led me to delve in and later discover that my family, for much of its pre-"american" existence was largely comprised of "complete believers"... Torah-observant believers in Yeshua, heavily influenced by and occasionally intermarried with Jewish believers, among the "Waldenses" aka Vallenses and Passaginians living in the Bohemian region of Europe.
Though I was surprised to hear I have some degree of Jewish heritage, it didn't make me run off and think I am a Jew or need to be a Jew or whatever. I am a believer... and I want to live as Yeshua lived and gave me example. I know of no other compilation of writings given from my G-d and Father for His children to follow, but the TaNaKh and "NT"... and if He has adopted me through the blood of Yeshua, then I am His child and I will follow what
He says is a pleasing life in His eyes. Yet I am completely NOT "legalistic" in this... I can only do what I can do and follow as I am led at each point, so I am simply embracing what I can of Torah, as I grow and as He leads.
Thankfully my precious G-d-fearing, Torah-loving (even when we were catholics) husband has now -- finally, after years of hesitancy and intense scrutiny and pouring through the Word -- recognized the call of G-d upon us personally to live a life observant of the whole of G-d's Word, and we are now stepping onto that path as a family rather than just following the portions of the Word that others tell us we are "supposed" to live in accordance with. As for me and my own little family, we personally cannot possibly simply take on all of Torah in a heartbeat and perform it all immediately, nor really perform it to other people's "satisfation"... then again it seems to me that even Torah Itself was given by G-d over at least a little time and that none of His little ones have likely ever "gotten it right" or followed it completely immediately upon realizing and accepting that it is for them to follow.
Unluckily perhaps (though, luckily in other ways, I suppose
) we do not have a group of Messianics who can and do personally influence our understanding and implementation of Torah ... which leaves us hanging on every Word G-d has given, and allows us to grasp and grapple and embrace the mitzvot as we see we are able to apply them in our own lives, for our family. But it leaves us so very much "on our own", as usual. We pray over each mitzvah and ask our Father in heaven to show us how to apply it in our lives, if it seems unclear. And while some others surely find my comments ridiculous, we are beginning to step into learning Talmud and to determine how our lifestyle can and will show forth the truth of Torah and whether we can or should choose to fall in line with Talmud in all things or any things, and where we ourselves stand on everything. It's sad to me that some people seem to feel that those new to understanding and applying all of G-d's teachings to our lives have to "get it", and "get it all", and be already "there" rather than giving people room to grow into the teaching (I have run into this other places online).
I find it sad, too, the state of the Body of believers, in all it's branches... I look forward to the day when Yeshua's prayer, that we may all be one as He and the Father are one, is fulfilled. Nowadays... I am sometimes defiantly hesitant to fall under any label whatsoever except... believer in G-d my Father by salvation in Yeshua according to the power of the Spirit of G-d. It leaves me not wanting to be labelled and placed in a box with a pretty blue bow by other believers, as if they "know" that "this" is me, and not "that", whatever "this" and "that" are. In frustration, I even removed my "Messianic" believer icon here, because I sense that, all over these forums, people get a pre-conceived notion of who others are just by what they have chosen to fall under, label-wise. "Oh, (s)he's a (fill in the blank), THAT explains it!"
In truth, if I were to pick a "label", it would probably have to encompass so many differing believing denominational/non-denominational/tradition doctrines and thoughts that it would be ridiculous for me to do so. "Hi, I'm your resident Cathli-Bapti-Pente-Metho-Presby-Luther-Evange-MessyJewntile-currently-worshipping-with-non-denominational-christians." "What was the question, again?"
Yes, I am truly this mixed up, yet I am not confused nor confounded.
Again, these are just my observations. I'm adding them here because I know know know know that there are people who read here who also feel similarly to me and maybe they'll stumble on this thread... others, tired of walking a very lonely road, and just needing that reminder that other people go through it too. Sometimes just knowing
that is enough to pick up my spirits and help me forge ahead. Honestly, otherwise I think I am about to pull my own hair out, sometimes.
I do get so tired of not really connecting anywhere or believing much very closely with anyone I know here IRL... I truly feel like that "stranger" in a strange land. Nothing shakes that feeling for me anymore, and it persists beyond everyday "real" life. I hate television, never have liked it, and now feel even more completely detached and unimpressed when I see any program except for the rarest news report-types that spur me to intercession. Thanks to my mother and her vast knowledge of/hunger for worship music, I am a lifelong singer and musician with a fantastically rich exposure to every possible different style of worship music around; yet, no music stirs my heart now short of Messianic praise and worship (which I discovered a year or so ago, and finally purshased some of, last summer... and was blessed to find my heart for worship renewed! Certain Messianic Jewish praise and worship songs routinely send me to my knees in tears
). Another example: I used to be very active on online forums... yet, everywhere I used to frequent online seems somehow... unconnected to me and has for so long, I quit going to almost any forums before coming here. For the longest time, I would pull up the Aish.com website and view the Western Wall, and just begin weeping and praying and praising G-d... I finally had to stop looking after Sukkot this year and simply resolve to go when our children are even older, as the sense of longing wouldn't settle down in my heart and it saddened me to be unable to get up and go or at least lay plans...
If all of this is just of me, well, fine -- show me that L-rd, and change me. Yet none of it is contrived. I haven't SOUGHT any of this path the L-rd has beckoned us down, but only begged Him to lead.
If no one minds... I want to just add to this thread occasionally. I am not sure I even belong or am welcome truly, here on THIS forum either because... because I am not sure of a whole lot of things right now regarding my interconnectedness/fit/place with other believers, online or even off, lately. Yet, I certainly don't belong anywhere else on CF and I am most certainly Messianic. And I need to feel I have a home among my believing brethen somewhere. (and please understand my lack of connection/uncertainty is just due to me and where I am at, moreso than due to anyone or anything posting here... KWIM?)
editing to make for easier reading, and hopefully add some clarity. Shalom!
, which concerned me. 
You go right ahead and answer, if you'd like to, Yafet. I specified non-Jew because... well again I didn't want to give the impression that I personally am "trying to be a Jew"... 
