Surviving an affair

[HulaMoon]

Discovered 3 months ago my husband was involved in an affair. He broke it off, and we are working very hard on repairing our relationship. He wants to remain married to me; expresses he still loves me very much. However, he states he is no longer sexually attracted to me. I, of course, find this devastating and don't know if there is hope. I don't want to live in a relationship where my husband does not feel attracted to me.

Looking for encouragement, maybe, from others who have been in that situation? Can sexual attraction return after it's been missing for years?

I have put on weight over the years. I'm in counseling myself over this issue, and have started down the road to losing the weight. The weight was mainly because of his inappropriate content addiction earlier in our marriage, and it never was resolved in the correct way. He got counseling, and successfully conquered that, but we never got marriage counseling.

I find myself skeptical, however, that he's magically going to be attracted to me again once I get down to whatever weight he thinks is attractive.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Hi your man is not walking in the Spirit and is walking in the flesh. The bond between a husband and wife is sacred and the intimate part of that relationship has more to do with the commitment rather than how attractive one is. If we look at celebrity couples most of whom are considered very attractive that certainly does not seem to stop infidelity. He is using this idea that you are lacking as part of his justification for having sex with someone else. The man who is really sorry will show the fruit of repentance. You are not less than adequate as a woman or as a spouse just as you are. I know many happy couples who over the years and a few kids are not wearing the same size they used to and the relationship is stronger that when they were in shape. The difference is the foundation of the relationship is the rock of commitment which is selfless agape love. If its going to be better for you in the future this man needs to own up that he caused great harm to you and is sorry. He needs to commit to you again and not leave this issue of you being inadequate out there. This will only happen if he truly repents. I hope you see a Christian Biblical counselor and not a Christian psychological one. The scriptures are clear as to the sacredness of the marriage bed and the duty to fulfill one another physically. The definition of love and especially the husband is to love you like Christ loves the church. If he is just sorry because of teh consequences chances are he will repeat this behavior. You need a full assurance that things are different with him. You are not the one at fault. Stand up for yourself and demand the respect you are due and if he is not willing it is better to get him out now. God bless you.

 

[HulaMoon]

Okay, I understand what you are saying and agree with it all from a Biblical perspective.

However, from a purely physical standpoint, without getting too graphic, if he is not physically attracted to me, how is he going to be able to make love to me? Because that has been a problem over these past several months.

Hi your man is not walking in the Spirit and is walking in the flesh. The bond between a husband and wife is sacred and the intimate part of that relationship has more to do with the commitment rather than how attractive one is. If we look at celebrity couples most of whom are considered very attractive that certainly does not seem to stop infidelity. He is using this idea that you are lacking as part of his justification for having sex with someone else. The man who is really sorry will show the fruit of repentance. You are not less than adequate as a woman or as a spouse just as you are. I know many happy couples who over the years and a few kids are not wearing the same size they used to and the relationship is stronger that when they were in shape. The difference is the foundation of the relationship is the rock of commitment which is selfless agape love. If its going to be better for you in the future this man needs to own up that he caused great harm to you and is sorry. He needs to commit to you again and not leave this issue of you being inadequate out there. This will only happen if he truly repents. I hope you see a Christian Biblical counselor and not a Christian psychological one. The scriptures are clear as to the sacredness of the marriage bed and the duty to fulfill one another physically. The definition of love and especially the husband is to love you like Christ loves the church. If he is just sorry because of teh consequences chances are he will repeat this behavior. You need a full assurance that things are different with him. You are not the one at fault. Stand up for yourself and demand the respect you are due and if he is not willing it is better to get him out now. God bless you.

 

[Endeavourer]

Hi Hula Moon,

I'm very sorry for the reasons you are here.

A reason for the lack of sexual attraction may be because he is still suffering from a contrast effect, and specifically due to possibly still being in touch with his affair partner.

How did he break it off? If the other woman is married, does her husband know about the affair?

Your title is interesting; do you have the book "Surviving an Affair" by a Christian marriage counselor, Dr. Williard Harley?

Dr. Harley also hosts a forum at marriagebuilders.com where a community of lay volunteers help a betrayed spouse with the step by step work needed to survive an affair and recover their marriage. Most of the volunteers have survived affairs with the help of Surviving an Affair and the forum, and many have restored their marriage to better than it was before. He supervises the forum to ensure the advice is solid.

I was immensely helped by the marriagebuilders.com forum with step by step support and can't recommend it highly enough.

 

[Endeavourer]

Regarding your work on your weight:

Do you work in an office? If so, have you ever considered a standing desk? I understand it burns 15 calories an hour more than sitting - 75 calories a day can add up.

I just transitioned to a standing desk recently, but I started out by using a wobble board to stand on. I don't have conclusive results yet, but my leg and torso muscles are flexed and working almost all day long. A slight squat seems to be more comfortable than locking the knees so that's how I've been standing (wobbling) 8 hours a day.

After 2 weeks I've lost 4 pounds without changing my diet or exercise, and my midsection feels tight. You might want to consider transitioning to stand on a wobble board for anything you usually do while sitting, including watching TV or surfing the computer. I can even eat lunch or drink coffee on it now!

Just an hour of day of wobbling instead of sitting could eventually add up.

 

[HulaMoon]

I am the HR representative for a shop, so I am constantly out on the shop floor standing and walking. I have hired a personal trainer that I meet with once a week, and I'm working out additionally three to four times a week. I am also on a keto diet. I've lost about 30 pounds, 10 and 1/2 inches; I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal. I definitely know that this was important to my husband and I was being stubborn and not dealing with it so I have to own that.

With the affair partner, he told her that I had found out and the relationship could not go on any longer, however he wanted to be friends. She told him not to contact her anymore. Unfortunately they work at the same place and he sees her in the hall a couple of times a week. They never say anything more than hello to one another until last week. Apparently her mother is dying of cancer and she came to my husband's office to cry on his shoulder and he let her. To his credit he told me about it and I told him in no uncertain terms he needed to write correspondence to her copying me on it telling her there was to be no more contact ever. We discussed this with our marriage counselor and he thoroughly agreed.

I think you may be right about the contrast effect. In my gut I feel like he has not emotionally separated from her yet.

I am praying she does not return from Russia which is her Homeland, and where she is visiting her dying mother. She is married but my husband tells me she is in an abusive relationship, which means she was looking for my husband to rescue her

Regarding your work on your weight:

Do you work in an office? If so, have you ever considered a standing desk? I understand it burns 15 calories an hour more than sitting - 75 calories a day can add up.

I just transitioned to a standing desk recently, but I started out by using a wobble board to stand on. I don't have conclusive results yet, but my leg and torso muscles are flexed and working almost all day long. A slight squat seems to be more comfortable than locking the knees so that's how I've been standing (wobbling) 8 hours a day.

After 2 weeks I've lost 4 pounds without changing my diet or exercise, and my midsection feels tight. You might want to consider transitioning to stand on a wobble board for anything you usually do while sitting, including watching TV or surfing the computer. I can even eat lunch or drink coffee on it now!

Just an hour of day of wobbling instead of sitting could eventually add up.

 

[Endeavourer]

I am the HR representative for a shop, so I am constantly out on the shop floor standing and walking. I have hired a personal trainer that I meet with once a week, and I'm working out additionally three to four times a week. I am also on a keto diet. I've lost about 30 pounds, 10 and 1/2 inches; I'm about 1/3 of the way to my goal. I definitely know that this was important to my husband and I was being stubborn and not dealing with it so I have to own that.

WAY to go!!!!! I am in awe of people who can lose weight like that. You are a rock star!

I lose and gain the same 5 pounds every month, so anyone who can keep going without seesawing back and forth like I do has my highest respect!!!

 

[Endeavourer]

With the affair partner, he told her that I had found out and the relationship could not go on any longer, however he wanted to be friends. She told him not to contact her anymore. Unfortunately they work at the same place and he sees her in the hall a couple of times a week. They never say anything more than hello to one another until last week. Apparently her mother is dying of cancer and she came to my husband's office to cry on his shoulder and he let her.

Notice the bolded red. NOT acceptable in a no-contact letter. That's a we-got-caught letter creating a pretense that now they will just be friends. They can't just be friends without ruining your marriage.

HulaMoon, the Bible says that there is nothing new under the sun. This is SO true of affairs. They all seem to follow the same textbook.

Him giving you the ILYBINILWY type of speech and then maintaining the contrast effect is so indicative of contact continuing on. Every time he sees her, he will be set back to square zero. This is why they can't remain "friends." That's just code for that they will remain in an affair.

This is because an affair is an addiction to another person. An addiction so strong that people throw away their children's secure home to get their fix with that other person.

No more can a wayward spouse be freed from an addiction while still seeing his affair partner than an alcoholic can be free of alcoholism while still taking taking drinks. The wayward spouse literally needs to quit his job if he works with the affair partner or else the contrast effect - AND the affair - will never end. You may even need to move to another state if you want to save your marriage.

You should count on the affair still being on, not over.

Based on what you wrote, I felt continued contact was likely the case, which is why I asked you about it.

Another thing I noticed is that literally EVERY affair partner claims that their spouse is abusive. Your husband probably told his affair partner you were a terrible wife, too. I would immediately find and tell her husband about the affair so he can help cause conflict to the affair. Right now they are in their little secret fantasy land with no one knowing about it - except you. But your knowledge hasn't created enough problems for them to stop the affair. You need to raise heck until they stop their affair, starting with exposing to her husband.

There are rock star volunteers at marriagebuilders.com who have helped 100's of people go through all the steps necessary to kill and survive affairs who can help you. They can smell a rat from 100 miles away because every affair is literally cut from the same pattern. They are far better than most marriage counselors because they themselves used the techniques to survive affairs.

To his credit he told me about it and I told him in no uncertain terms he needed to write correspondence to her copying me on it telling her there was to be no more contact ever. We discussed this with our marriage counselor and he thoroughly agreed.

I think you may be right about the contrast effect. In my gut I feel like he has not emotionally separated from her yet.

I am praying she does not return from Russia which is her Homeland, and where she is visiting her dying mother. She is married but my husband tells me she is in an abusive relationship, which means she was looking for my husband to rescue her

Trust your gut. It's right.

He needs to write a no contact letter, which you approve and mail, which leaves no door open for future contact. You need to give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't quit his job in 30 days you will expose to the company, without regard to any potential liability he may have. He should have thought of that before the affair and your marriage and family is more important than his little worries about the problems he got himself into.

If he keeps working there while she is working there, the affair will just continue and you might as well just bail out of the marriage now and save yourself the future pain and suffering.

That rescue line is the biggest bunch of bull-ony you could ever hear. She did not need a married man to destroy his family in order to be rescued. Frankly, this is not believable but they were trying to give you a line to fall for. Either that or your husband is a very silly person - which admittedly addicts become in order to drum up excuses to keep hitting their addiction.

 

[HulaMoon]

He did not say he was rescuing her. That was my assessment of the situation. But I realize the abusive husband might all be a story fabricated by her.

Unfortunately, my husband is ann executive. Not that easy to find another position at his level. But he is looking very hard. I'm just praying she decides to remain in Russia with her mother until he does find another job.

Regardless, he will be writing her a no contact letter. My gut tells me he hasn't emotionally separated from her yet. I want him to realize i am filet mignon and she is tofu..a cheap facsimile of me, and I want him to ask himself "what was I thinking?"

Is that realistic?

 

[Endeavourer]

I want him to realize i am filet mignon and she is tofu..a cheap facsimile of me, and I want him to ask himself "what was I thinking?"

Is that realistic?

WAY to go!! Yes, that is very realistic - and true! You are dignifying a woman who wrecks a family to have sex with a married man more than she deserves. I could think of some other, less savory nouns than tofu...lol. Normally affair partners are not the cream of the crop!

Statistically, nearly all wayward spouses affair-down, that it, the affair partner has much less to offer than their spouse. The pool of people willing to wreck a family to get a hit of sex is generally not very distinguished.

Saving a marriage after an affair is a! lot! of work, and doesn't just happen fortuitously. Marriages who recover after an affair almost always follow a particular pattern of action. Dr. Harley has researched 10,000's of marriages, particularly those who have suffered affairs, and has put together a checklist of specific actions the betrayed spouse took, and which the wayward spouse followed along, for those marriages who recovered from the affair and used the opportunity to improve their marriage to even better than it was before the affair.

In his research, the marriages that didn't follow the actions the successful couples did merely suffered along in a worse marriage than before or divorced.

The checklist is hard work, though. I've shared it on this forum with a few betrayed spouses and they adamantly didn't want to follow it. In one case, a betrayed husband didn't want to follow it but I could tell, just like in your case, that there was still contact happening. He wanted to trust his wife, believe her statements that she was no longer in contact, rest in the Lord and pray instead of getting to work on saving his marriage. He was back within a week to report that he had discovered his wayward wife was still in contact with her affair partner. His wife is still in the affair but he won't believe me or do anything about it, so I stopped spending any time on his thread.

However, I've been a lay person volunteer for several years on Dr. Harley's forum, which has an area that specializes in helping marriages recover from affairs. I am so surprised at how much waywards ALL act the same. We (on the forum) can detect if the affair partners have come within 100 miles of each other because they all act the same when they do. We can detect if the wayward spouse is truly repentant or doing a great acting job (sometimes not so great) because spouses who are just acting all use the same textbook. It's really remarkable. When you see 100+ cases, the pattern is very easy to pick out.

However, consistently, the betrayed spouse, who is in the worst experience of their lives and in an emotional state, is easily falsely assured by the wayward spouse that they so desperately want to believe, so our job is very difficult until the forum is proved right so many times the betrayed spouse finally realizes we're here to help and they make a decision to blindly trust us against their own judgement.

When that happens, they generally finally kill the affair and start recovering - if it's not too late. The longer an affair has gone on, the harder it is to kill. When someone runs off, angry at what we are advising them to do and then returns a year or two later to say "you were right - please help me now", it's often too late and the affair is too entrenched to break up.

So, all of that to ask you => are you up to following a plan that has been proven to work? Are you invested enough in your marriage to take some very difficult actions? If not, you would be much better off to just divorce now.

A brief summary of the actions proven to be successful in marriages that fully recover from an affair include: killing the affair by exposing it all over the place, putting covert technological monitoring in place, your husband giving notice to his job within 30 days if he has access to the affair partner on the job (a divorce will be way more expensive than any financial impact from this), spending 15 hours per week together to rebuild your connection -> this list is not for the faint or the weary.

There is an explanation as to why each of these actions works and is necessary, but I didn't want to make this post so long. If you're interested, I'll expand more.

 

[Endeavourer]

I'm just praying she decides to remain in Russia with her mother until he does find another job.

Do you have independent information to verify that she is actually in Russia?

How do you know an addict is lying? When their lips are moving. Your husband has not broken his addiction to this woman yet so you can't trust anything he says.

She may be in Russia - but she may not be.