Support vs Enabling

[Annessa3]

hello forum folks-
I'm new here.. found this forum thru Trish, who commented on my story in a Marriage thread. (can't post link)

Long story short: my husband is an alcoholic, currently in jail for failing a pbt on probation. This alcoholism/legal issues relating to it are all new since Jan '10.

I am struggling to understand the fine line between enabling & support. Do any of you have examples for me?

I have not paid any of his legal costs except once, to bail him out on his first & only driving offense.

I have not nagged or cried or screamed. I have listened, and offered to pray with him, attend meetings with him.

The one time I threatened to leave him, it was because he was lying about drinking. He confessed all and asked forgiveness. I asked if it would be more helpful to him if I left or stayed, and he asked me to stay. I did.

ask away. I am seriously considering divorcing this man over his
wow. moment. I was about to type 'over his powerlessness'
His illness doesn't seem to be a reason for divorce, and yet...

honestly, after the past year, I know I don't want to live with an alcoholic. I don't want the roller coaster of lies.

jump right in here-
faith

 

[goodgirl62]

I used to be married to an alcoholic and I could not deal with it. I raised my 3 kids alone and I am still alone at 48 but, it is better then living with the lies, abuse and embarassment. Keep praying

 

[madison1101]

You should check out AlAnon. They are experienced at dealing with loved ones who are alcoholics. They can help you learn the difference between enabling and supporting.

I have a son who had a drug problem, and I got him into two rehab programs, but ended up kicking him out after he was arrested.

God bless.

 

[Annessa3]

::slightly frustrated::: I keep trying to find a local AlAnon mtg to attend, but my time is quite limited. I work fulltime, and the family needs my time too, especially with the spouse in jail.

So help me out please- what is the fine line between support and enabling? Why is it that none of the many other folks in recovery have spoken up?

faith

 

[madison1101]

::slightly frustrated::: I keep trying to find a local AlAnon mtg to attend, but my time is quite limited. I work fulltime, and the family needs my time too, especially with the spouse in jail.

So help me out please- what is the fine line between support and enabling? Why is it that none of the many other folks in recovery have spoken up?

faith

A good start would be to study personal boundaries. There is a really good book called, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend.

In my experience, enabling behaviors help a person stay in their dysfunctional behaviors, or addictions. Examples would be, calling work to tell the boss husband is sick, when he is drunk or hungover. Not allowing drunk to experience the consequences of his drinking. Bailing him out of jail. Buying alcohol and having it in the house. <Making excuses for the drunk.

Supporting is being there for the person while they experience their consequences, and assuring them of your love.

When my son was arrested, after being in rehab and given the rule of no drug use while living in my apartment, I refused to bail him out of jail. When someone else bailed him out, I gave him 24 hours to move out. He went into detox, and then moved to his father's. I was there when he went to court. I assured my son that I loved him. I just refused to allow him to live with me anymore, because he had broken my trust. I helped him find alternative haousing another time, but did not let him move back with me.

I hope this helps.

Trish

 

[madison1101]

If you cannot attend meetings of Alanon, you can read some of their publications. Check out their website and see if any books or pamphlets might help and order it from them.

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

 

[bliz]

Enabling is the stuff you do that keeps him from consequences of his own actions, or things that make it easier to drink.

For example- if he gets drunk at night and you put him to bed and put his clothes in the laundry, that's enabling. Covering for him is enabling. Making excuses for him, supplying his booze or helping him disguise his drinking, all of the above are enabling.

 

[Annessa3]

Thank you.

OK, I paid to bail him out on his first offense, and told him that would never happen again.
I do not call in sick for him. I do not buy alcohol. I do not wash his clothes or out him to bed. I ask him outright if I think he's been drinking. I ask how his meetings/studies/inventory/etc are going and allow him to share what he wants.

When he was jailed, and I had to host a weekend away with many friends alone and they asked where he was, I told them he was in jail for probation violation. When his HR person called to ask where he was the day he was sent to jail, I told her. I have not paid for any of his pbts/pee tests/court costs in the past 4 mos since he was placed on probation for his first offense. (I separated our finances last Jan)

As for this latest, ie jailtime: when he called to tell me he was going to jail, my response was 'good luck' and I hung up. My first letter to him arrived 6 days after his incarceration and stated that I would provide him food & shelter when he gets out, but nothing else. And those things were dependent on a) anything else legally consequential, you're out b) honesty in all things c) if I find you drinking at home, I will call the police and report the parole violation. I'm about to get his signature on those conditions.

In my mind, I am supportive, but not enabling. He is still my husband. I do have hope of his success in recovery.

I will keep trying to find an AlAnon mtg I can attend. I confess that I really don't want to go because-- if they're like AA or CR, there is no discussion, just one person speaking and no cross-talk. And- because I'm new on this road, and I am aware of reality, but I don't want to be beaten to hopelessness by all the stories of time & again & again & again. I have drawn my line in the sand, and I'm sticking to it.

I'm as close to divorcing him as possible, while holding one slim hope that this is a new beginning. Fool me once, etc.

keep us in your prayers, please, and continue to let me know if you read enablement vs support.

faith

 

[madison1101]

Thank you.

OK, I paid to bail him out on his first offense, and told him that would never happen again.
I do not call in sick for him. I do not buy alcohol. I do not wash his clothes or out him to bed. I ask him outright if I think he's been drinking. I ask how his meetings/studies/inventory/etc are going and allow him to share what he wants.

When he was jailed, and I had to host a weekend away with many friends alone and they asked where he was, I told them he was in jail for probation violation. When his HR person called to ask where he was the day he was sent to jail, I told her. I have not paid for any of his pbts/pee tests/court costs in the past 4 mos since he was placed on probation for his first offense. (I separated our finances last Jan)

As for this latest, ie jailtime: when he called to tell me he was going to jail, my response was 'good luck' and I hung up. My first letter to him arrived 6 days after his incarceration and stated that I would provide him food & shelter when he gets out, but nothing else. And those things were dependent on a) anything else legally consequential, you're out b) honesty in all things c) if I find you drinking at home, I will call the police and report the parole violation. I'm about to get his signature on those conditions.

In my mind, I am supportive, but not enabling. He is still my husband. I do have hope of his success in recovery.

I will keep trying to find an AlAnon mtg I can attend. I confess that I really don't want to go because-- if they're like AA or CR, there is no discussion, just one person speaking and no cross-talk. And- because I'm new on this road, and I am aware of reality, but I don't want to be beaten to hopelessness by all the stories of time & again & again & again. I have drawn my line in the sand, and I'm sticking to it.

I'm as close to divorcing him as possible, while holding one slim hope that this is a new beginning. Fool me once, etc.

keep us in your prayers, please, and continue to let me know if you read enablement vs support.

faith

It sounds like you are doing a good job of not enabling, and being supportive. Good for you. Keep it up.

Trish

 

[BlessedandBroken]

Thank you.


OK, I paid to bail him out on his first offense, and told him that would never happen again.
I do not call in sick for him. I do not buy alcohol. I do not wash his clothes or out him to bed. I ask him outright if I think he's been drinking. I ask how his meetings/studies/inventory/etc are going and allow him to share what he wants.

When he was jailed, and I had to host a weekend away with many friends alone and they asked where he was, I told them he was in jail for probation violation. When his HR person called to ask where he was the day he was sent to jail, I told her. I have not paid for any of his pbts/pee tests/court costs in the past 4 mos since he was placed on probation for his first offense. (I separated our finances last Jan)

As for this latest, ie jailtime: when he called to tell me he was going to jail, my response was 'good luck' and I hung up. My first letter to him arrived 6 days after his incarceration and stated that I would provide him food & shelter when he gets out, but nothing else. And those things were dependent on a) anything else legally consequential, you're out b) honesty in all things c) if I find you drinking at home, I will call the police and report the parole violation. I'm about to get his signature on those conditions.

In my mind, I am supportive, but not enabling. He is still my husband. I do have hope of his success in recovery.

I will keep trying to find an AlAnon mtg I can attend. I confess that I really don't want to go because-- if they're like AA or CR, there is no discussion, just one person speaking and no cross-talk. And- because I'm new on this road, and I am aware of reality, but I don't want to be beaten to hopelessness by all the stories of time & again & again & again. I have drawn my line in the sand, and I'm sticking to it.

I'm as close to divorcing him as possible, while holding one slim hope that this is a new beginning. Fool me once, etc.

keep us in your prayers, please, and continue to let me know if you read enablement vs support.

faith

Yes, it sounds like you are doing everything right. I said a prayer for you, your children, and your husband. I prayed for a new beginning and a renewing of his mind without the alcohol. God is bigger than our addictions!!! Take care. xx