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Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

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Lady Bug

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I'm feeling very weird for a couple of days - I'm feeling "frightened."

I've half-given up looking for employment that can at least give me the prospect of moving out (tired of being rejected after difficult interviews - let alone being tired of not getting hardly any responses to applications), but all I see is the prospect of some temp job in which there would be a huge gap between that job and a permanent one. There's already a year and four month gap between my last temp job and now and frankly I can't take it anymore. (the economy is unspeakably bad in Michigan where I am at)

I feel as if the devil is stronger than God right now. It seems as if the devil is always winning more than God. Why is that?
 
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Soulwings

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I'm back!

And happy to be out. Ten days is a long time in hos.

I was in the ICA, intensive care area, for two days, which is where they keep the "really crazy people." I don't know why I was back there, but I did hurt myself while I was there so I think that's why they kept me back there longer. It's basically isolation, and I think I was on fifteen minute checks.

But I did meet an amazing girl in there and we're going to keep in touch, I hope... I miss her so much. I feel a lot better, though, and I guess I'm glad I went in, although I did miss my friend's wedding I have to let her know that.

Eating has been hard the past few days, especially because I know that I've been losing weight. I don't know if it's fat or lean, but I hope fat because I have been eating healthily, watching my carbs in hos etc., etc.

I'll respond to y'all's posts later... right now I'm going to check my LJ and cuddle with Jarrod, whom I missed immensely!! s
 
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Soulwings

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Thanks guys.

I'm just really scared about the anxiety attacks. It takes all I have to not give in to them.

One of the tough things about hos was that there was a girl there who was pro-ED and talked about it all the time... it was sickening, she was giving tips and things and people were actually taking her tips and using them. She was seeing a nutritionist at the same place I go, not to follow a meal plan (which is what they're there for), but to get rid of the purging, since she had no intention of getting better. How ridiculous is that?! Just thinking about it triggers me.
 
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Soulwings

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Ladybug Don't give up.... I know the feeling, but there is better out there. Things will get better. You've got to just keep believing that. Hang tough and cling to God... yes, it does seem like the devil wins much of the time, but that is just a feeling... God can crush the devil without even noticing, He's that much more powerful.

I wish I could offer more advice, better advice. Just know that we're here to listen and offer support.
 
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Lady Bug

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Thanks Soulwings. Sometimes I ask myself, that if someone came to me and told me all this, what advice would I give? I try to ask myself this so maybe I could eventually come up with some solution, you know?

Arianna said:
April, so glad to see you back!! Glad things are going a bit better

Tn, Ladybug
Click to expand...
What does Tn stand for, lol
 
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Soulwings

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Those kinds of thoughts are bad, if I know the kind you're thinking. Fight fight fight!

I had a bad night last night... downer talk with Jarrod and was already feeling crappy so that made it worse. Plus, I haven't been following my meal plan since I got out of the hospital and that makes it hard.... I know that if I don't eat I'll gain weight, but part of me still believes so fiercely that if I restrict I'll lose weight. And that's what's behind me not following my mp. Or so I think. J thinks that it's the ED making me want subconsciously to gain back the weight I lost in the hospital just so I can beat myself up again. I say that sounds crazy.



Any thoughts?

And how is everyone else doing?
 
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Soulwings

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I'll send you a message, Tn. Keep us updated on how things are going.

The appt went well. My T told me that I looked a lot better than I did before the hospitalization, which is a good thing. We worked a bit on trying to find the root of the panic attacks. She didn't know that they'd gotten to be so bad.

I'm feeling a bit rubbishy myself. Exhausted.
 
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Lady Bug

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thank you guys for thinking of me. if that makes me feel needy for liking that people think of me so be it lol.

just found out that I gained back the few little pounds that I had lost (kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down, huh)
 
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Soulwings

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I think everyone likes other people to think of and be concerned about them, Ladybug. Well, most of the time. So you aren't any more needy than the rest of the population.

On that note, though.... I don't understand why people are concerned about me. Or were concerned about me, before I went into the hospital. I just don't feel worth that much.
 
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beckybooiloveu

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*HUGS* april you are worth the world to so many ppl!!! we and alot others in rl really care about you and when they see that you are struggling it is concerning... but i know what you mean... its easy to say that other ppl are worth worrying about... but not believe that you yourself are... but you are...
 
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Soulwings

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As promised in the other thread ... heh... how am I doing?

Back to my eating disorder. I mean, I'm not allowing myself to relapse, but I am struggling and worrying and stressing. I've been weighing myself multiple times daily and am having a minor freakout over the number that came up this morning. It's not so much a freakout, though, as an abject depression. I hate that one lousy pound can have such an effect on my mood, but I don't know how to fix that.

So I trudge and trudge and try to stick to my meal plan... I see my N tomorrow, and if things went well weightwise (haven't seen him for nearly a month) I'm going to see if I can normalize my diet somewhat - have more variety. The only reason I'm suggesting this is because when I was IP I had a huge variety of vegetarian entrees, and watched carbs some, but still lost weight, without being extremely picky. So... I think that may work. But wait and see... ugh.

And that's what's been going on. If anyone cares.
 
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